Tom Selleck is 68 years old and is still as sexy as ever. Seriously, just look at him. Beautiful. Amazing. Flawless. Like, when the Creator made him, He should’ve just been like, “Nope, I’m out. This is as good as it will ever get.” That’s how awesome Tom Selleck is. The human race could’ve literally ceased to exist because he is such a perfect specimen. I honestly feel bad about myself just typing this. On a scale on one to Tom Selleck, I’m like a .00067. Not even a whole percent. Man, I’m so ashamed.
To me, Tom Selleck is the ultimate man. He’s rugged, he’s fit, he’s attractive, he’s got a killer mustache, and he makes my ovaries ache. Seriously, looking at him makes my womb feel like it needs to hold a baby. His baby. Only his baby.
My love affair with Tommy began about 20 years ago. You know, when I was still wearing Barney underwear and believed that fairy tales really did come true. They don’t, by the way, because my last name is not Selleck and my first name is not Mrs. You get the point. I used to just sit there in my fort made of princess sheets watching Three Men and a Baby over and over and over again. Sometimes I’d allow my mom to put on Three Men and a Little Lady for her own mental reprieve, but I’d always end up crying because Tom Selleck gets married in the second one and I just really wasn’t on board with such public act of betrayal. What can I say? I was a jealous 3-year-old.
As I got older, my appreciation went beyond liking him for being a kind father figure to sweet little Mary, and developed into a school girl crush of sorts. I’d beg my mom to let me stay up late on the weekends to catch an episode of Magnum P.I. so that I could appreciate his mustache and learn a few legal tips, all while taking in some beautiful Hawaiian scenery. She’d typically oblige, and I’d spend the evening watching Nick at Nite in my twin size bed, wearing my Rugrats slippers, and lusting after man who could quite literally be my grandfather. You know, just being a normal kid.
While other girls my age were dreaming about Nick Carter and Justin Timberlake, I was cutting out pictures of Tom Selleck from AARP: The Magazine and gluing them inside my Lisa Frank binders. One time my teacher asked me if I thought it was appropriate to be lusting after an older man and I told her that it was no more inappropriate than the fact that my cubby buddy was pregnant (#publicschool). By the time high school rolled around, I had dutifully collected the entire Friends box set and made a point to circle the episodes including Richard, Monica’s on-again-off-again boyfriend, played by, you got it, Tom Selleck.
As I’ve gotten older, my love of Tom Selleck has not ceased and I honestly don’t think it ever will. It’s not a creepy, obsessive love that should encourage him get a restraining order should he read this (and I really hope he does, in fact, read this), but rather a school girl crush that’s been going steadily for about 20 years. Honestly, though, I know I’m not alone in this. All of my friends think Tom Selleck is hot. All of my mom’s friends think Tom Selleck is hot. Hell, I’m pretty sure that my old Nanny even thinks Tom Selleck is hot, though she definitely wouldn’t admit it, because her main squeeze for the past 60-plus years has been Jim Beam, and girlfriend ain’t straying. But, I digress. You get the point. And the point of the matter is Tom Selleck is a babe.
Seriously, I could spend hours just looking at him. And you know what? Sometimes I do. Thank you, Google Image. He’s burly and fit and just oozing testosterone. My God, he’s like a sexy lumberjack with an immaculately groomed upper lip. How can you resist that? You can’t. You just can’t resist that. He is perfection and I love him. Tom Selleck, you just keep doing you. It’s working. Trust me.