A Letter From HR Regarding Our Office Halloween Festivities

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Dear Employees,

As your new “HR Lady” (as I’ve heard you refer to me when I walked by and you told your friend to shut up about getting high at lunch), I’m super excited to announce the events for my first holiday in the office, Halloween. Now, you may think my hosting all of these “fun” social events is an attempt to get you to not hate me, since the primary purpose of my hiring was to bring some law and order to this wild, wild west of an office. And you’d be 100% right, I’m going to bribe you with pumpkins full of Skittles and candy corn, until you’re my friend and I have no shame about it whatsoever.

So onto the festivities for Halloween. To start to the day, we’ll be having a costume contest. Of course, I feel the need to set some ground rules regarding costumes, since I just know that one of you fuckers will come in to the office in blackface or dressed as an Indian, and then I’ll wind up spending the whole day in meetings developing a strategic plan for cultural sensitivity. So here are the rules: please don’t dress up as anything that could be described as “ist” (as in racist, sexist) or “phobic” (homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic). Additionally, your costume should not be sexy, scary, pose a safety hazard, or potentially offend anyone. Basically, the only safe costumes are Disney characters, but only if you are the same gender/ethnicity as the persona. Sorry Michael in Accounting, you don’t get to be Moana.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the prize for the best costume will be a $25.00 Visa gift card. Yes, I know that you will probably wind up spending more than that on your costume, but I’m working on a budget here, okay?

In the afternoon, we will have “Halloween Themed Snacks” in the breakroom. Originally, this was going to be done potluck style, but as that I’m attempting to buy your love, I’m going to bring everything in and let you think I spent my own money on it, instead of confessing that I put it all on my corporate card. That’s between me and Michael, okay? Plus, it’s not like any of you assholes would have remembered to bring in anything anyway. Thanks to me and my American Express, there will be plenty of snacks for everyone. There will be Diet Coke and apple slices for Janice from Sales who’s always on a diet…and then Mummy Cupcakes for Janice when she says “Screw it, it’s a holiday!” as she seems to do every Tuesday afternoon. There will also be gluten-free cookies for Bob from Operations. I know gluten-free cookies are disgusting, but if we don’t have them, he will tell us again what happens when he eats gluten, and then our appetites will be ruined. Last, I’ll get some Halloween Oreos for Heather, which are the only snack she’ll eat since they are dairy free, nut free, and vegan. If you want anything else, bring it your damn self – I don’t see anywhere in your employment contract where it says we’re obligated to provide your preferred Halloween treat.

I look forward to seeing all of your (office appropriate) costumes on Tuesday and sharing in some (safe for all food allergies) goodies! .

Loyally,
The HR Lady

Image via YouTube

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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