In the information age, Millenials have created countless social taboos and quandaries that require extensive examination and criticism. Fortunately, I have managed to amass the four most brilliant minds of in human history when it comes to dissecting the efficacy of social norms. Today they address the latest craze of fidget spinners and cubes.
[Interior Jerry’s apartment. Jerry stands at the counter, pouring himself a bowl of cereal. George sits on the couch.]
GEORGE: I don’t understand, what is this thing called again?
JERRY: A “fidget spinner.”
GEORGE: And she never put it down?
JERRY: Not. Once.
[He finishes pouring the cereal and walks over.]
JERRY: I take this woman out for a nice diner at Mendy’s, very expensive. We each get salmon, bottle of wine to share. And here she is, a grown woman, fiddling around with this little toy constantly. I mean we were in public! Where the people are!
GEORGE: So what does this thing do exactly?
JERRY: Do? It doesn’t do anything! It’s a tiny little wheel thing you hold between your fingers, and you spin it.
GEORGE: What do you with it when you have it spinning?
JERRY: Nothing, she just held it there, constantly spinning it. Spinning, spinning, spinning for three hours. I’m still convinced she was trying to hypnotize me.
GEORGE: Okay, yeah that’s strange but this seems like a bit of a shallow reason to stop seeing her. Even for you. I mean so she’s spinning this little thing while you two are eating, what’s the harm?
JERRY: No, George you don’t understand. After dinner, we came back to my place for a while. Opened another bottle of wine and…
[Jerry motions toward his bedroom. George is initially perplexed, but then his eyes widen as he understands Jerry’s issue.]
GEORGE: You can’t possibly mean?
JERRY: Oh I possibly mean.
GEORGE: The entire time!?
JERRY: [his voice cracking] Entire time!
JERRY: She was on top! She’s up there, on top of me, and constantly spinning this little contraption. She was like a teenager who go forced to go horseback riding by her parents.
GEORGE: Well much like the primitive apes learned to use tools once they stood on their hind legs, it appears women have taken the next step in the evolution of sex. Who knows what other wonders they might unlock.
[Kramer bursts into Jerry’s apartment. Immediately, he sees the box of cereal still on the counter and begins making himself a bowl.]
JERRY: I just don’t get it, I mean she’s a grown woman. She has a doctorate! But she will not put down this little top!
KRAMER: You’re talking about a fidget spinner?
KRAMER: And this is a woman you’re seeing?
KRAMER: Dump her.
KRAMER: Oh…yeeeeeeeeeah. You can’t go out with someone like that, Jerry! Someone whose attention is constantly commanded by a flimsy little disc that just spins to no end? I mean, it’s unconscionable!
GEORGE: I’m surprised you feel so strongly about this.
KRAMER: Why wouldn’t I? I don’t want my best friend dating some, some charlatan, some simpleton floozy who uses a fidget spinner. Jerry, you can do better.
[Jerry thinks for a second, then nods in agreement.]
JERRY: You know what yes, that settles it. I can’t believe it took you to knock some sense into me, but I have do it, I have to break up with her. Kramer thanks so much.
KRAMER: Ah no problem buddy, you know I just want the best for you. We’ll get you back out there and find you a nice girl. A better girl. One who uses a fidget cube.
[Kramer plops down on the couch next to George, devouring his cereal. Both Jerry and George look on bemused.]
GEORGE: A fidget cube? You mean one of those dice things that have buttons on the sides?
KRAMER: And a little joystick, a spinny ball, a clicker, some gears.
GEORGE: And you just fiddle around with those things, it doesn’t do anything else?
KRAMER: [Looking somewhat perplexed, his mouth full of cereal.] Ah, no.
GEORGE: How is that any different than a fidget spinner?
KRAMER: Didn’t you hear what I just said, George? A joystick, a ball, a clicker it’s got more going for it on one side than a fidget spinner can possibly offer you. By the simple laws of geometry, the fidget cube surpasses the fidget spinner in terms of entertainment by a factor of three – at least!
GEORGE: But it’s still just like a stupid knick-knack.
KRAMER: [He pitches his head back, looking shocked and hurt at George’s words.] You fool! The American Psychiatric Association has shown that use of a fidget cube can improve your ability to deal with stress, anxiety, ADHD. It improves cognitive function and fine motor skills, unlocking parts of the brain during mundane activities previously dormant. Fidget cubes could be the key to humans breaking the 10% barrier of our brain usage. And yet you insult all those suffering, denigrate all the progress that might be made, by labeling it a “stupid knick-knack?”
[He stands and walks towards the door, cereal still in hand.]
JERRY: Unfortunately, modern mathematics has yet to discover the geometric figure with enough sides to house the number of contraptions it would take to treat whatever parasite is eating away at your brain.
[Kramer gives a thumbs up and clucks his tongue in excitement, clearly not understanding the jab.] .
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