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1:35 am: Jesus, it’s 1:35? I should probably go to bed.
1:36 am: Hey, can I get my check? And yeah, one more vodka-soda. Actually, make that a double.
1:48 am: *Ubers home*
1:55 am: Alright, where’s that Alka Seltzer? If it worked for Don Draper, it’ll work for me.
6:30 am: *Presses Snooze*
6:39 am: *Presses Snooze*
6:48 am: *Presses Snooze*
6:57 am: *Presses Snooze*
7:06 am: That Alka Seltzer did not work. Whatever, it’s Friday.
7:28 am: No way I’m shaving today. The girls at happy hour are going to eat this five o’clock shadow up.
7:35 am: Can you tell I spilled that vodka-soda on these pants last night? It doesn’t look like I did, right? If my coworkers can’t handle a little voddy spill on a casual Friday, then this isn’t a company I want to be a part of.
7:50 am: Daddy needs a banana and a coffee. STAT.
8:31 am: *Arrives a minute late at work* Shit, a little late. Nothing a few smiles and points can’t fix.
8:50 am: Alright, I gotta knock out as much work as possible before lunch so I can mail it in all afternoon.
8:51 am: *Cues up ESPN to watch The British Open*
9:25 am: I’m going to reply to all these emails with some really inquisitory questions that they’ll want to put off until Monday. Never fails.
10:15 am: Boom, the ball is officially in everyone else’s court. I swear to God, if Caroline hits me with a five paragraph email at 4:50, I will absolutely lose it.
11:20 am: It’s too early to toss out texts about tonight, right? Yeah, too early. Hold off.
12:29 pm: *Walks over to co-worker’s desk*
12:30 pm: “Sup, bro? What are you up to tomorrow? Here’s what I’m thinking: you, me, bar, beers, buzzed, wings, shots, drunk, waitresses: hot, British Open, Spieth slaughter, then quick nap at my place and before we hit the tizzown.”
12:32 pm: God, that Andy Bernard line never gets old.
12:45 pm: “Yeah, I’ll have a chicken fajita burrito bowl.”
12:55 pm: Alright, how long can I ride this lunch out for, and more importantly, will anyone be able to smell this beer from Chipotle on my breath?
1:30 pm: Oh, God. Chipotle was a bad idea. A really, really bad idea.
1:31 pm: *Power walks to bathroom, never releasing clenched cheeks*
1:32 pm: *Scrolls Instagram looking for a post from Paige Renee*
1:41 pm: Really hope no one goes in there after the damage I just did.
1:42 pm: *Power walks with head down back to desk hoping no one notices I’ve been gone for 10 minutes*
2:25 pm: I think I can justifiably text everyone about tonight now.
2:35 pm: Why hasn’t anyone responded yet? Don’t they know it’s Friday?
3:00 pm: Alright, Todd responded and he wants to get after it. I think his fiancee is out of town so happy hour is about to get loose.
3:12 pm: Still no word from Caroline and it looks like she ducked out early. Probably going to run a marathon or something this weekend. Ha, fuckin’ dork.
3:40 pm: Do I need to change before happy hour? Nah, let’s let it ride this weekend.
3:41 pm: Where are my headphones? This Kid Rock isn’t going to listen to itself and I need to bring the heat if Todd’s looking to max out on margaritas tonight.
3:58 pm: Why am I still here?
4:30 pm: *Incessantly taps pencil on desk looking at the clock* Is this what the bulls in Pamplona feel like before they get released?
4:50 pm: *Reads: “Inbox (1)”* Are you KIDDING me, Caroline? You’re not even here!
4:51 pm: *Clicks out of email, pretends to clean desk*
4:59 pm: Happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour.
5:00 pm: HAPPY HOUR.
5:01 pm: Walks out of work like this:
5:02 pm: *Calls Todd* “Sup, buddy?” .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Will, you’re an angel.
So many Todd spoilers.
TODD PROPOSED?! Shit, Sperry’s about to get a new dad
Plot twist: Todd’s fiance has been out of town for a month on a mission trip in Honduras missing Valentine’s day. Todd had blue balls and figured matching with some lonely chick on Hinge days before valentines day would make for an easy smash. Todd used his Michigan degree to land him a great job in finance, but he had to move across the country for it. His fiance came with him because she couldn’t miss out on his bright future and earning potential. She’s on a mission trip because she’s heavily involved with the church because Todd’s income allows her to not work and her church involvement is her way of feeling like a valuable member of society. Hinge was a safe place because no one Hinge would have a clue who he or his fiance is considering they are both transplants. Now he feels slightly guilty about cheating and he really needs to “get after it” at happy hour. Todd has been fooling around. I knew it.
It sounds like Mr. Hangover here not only hangs out with Todd but works with her biffle Caroline. Caroline’s gonna have so much to spill at their next brunch. I hope they can plan it in time.
Will, you are like the Stan Lee of PGP with these easter eggs.
My Fridays are similar to this if you throw out the kid rock and replace it with good music
Scaries, my man, you gotta accept the snap request, I feel like we both have great things to share “hntrhldt”
I bet the whole “desperate” thing is a huge turn off
I was born a ramblin’ man