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For a very long time, I made the mistake of assuming that the hardships of getting a guy to settle down came from him being too young. I thought that the older he got, the more likely he’d be to want a long-term relationship. And for awhile, this was true. But as I dated older and older men in an attempt to get them to ~commit,~ I realized something. Datability and commitment are not graphed on a straight line. It’s a bell curve. With the best stuff right in the middle.
Under 22: “I’M A POON WARRIOR. WOW. COLLEGE. TITS. KEGS. Also my mom does my laundry.”
Guys under 22 are 100% undateable, unless you yourself are under 22, and even then, it’s a risk. They have no sense of responsibility or the real world, and too much of their knowledge about sex still comes from porn. Their environment is way too over-stimulated with girls who are younger than you are, and less into the idea of commitment, to boot. There’s no point in trying to settle down with these guys who neither want to settle nor meet your standards (which aren’t even that high — just have a job, and maybe, like, milk in your fridge). There’s also a 50% chance he has a twin-sized bed, and a 0% chance there is toilet paper in his bathroom.
22-25: “Why would I have one girlfriend when there are so. many. Not-girlfriends to be had?”
Don’t waste your time with guys between the ages of 22 and 25. While there are some who “fall” for girls while they’re out there on the hunt, it’s not what any of them want. Even if you end up trapping one of these guys, it’s highly likely that he will resent you when his friends are out partying and bringing randoms, and if you end up breaking up after three years, you’re just going to feel like that was a bunch of hot years wasted on someone who isn’t going to marry you. And besides — what do you want with a dude whose bedroom decor consists of a flag for his favorite sports team hung up with thumb tacks? That’s right. Nothing.
26-28: “Maybe a girlfriend wouldn’t be so bad.”
It’s at this age, after ten years of not settling down, that guys begin to think that a relationship might be alright. They might not actively seek it, but they’d welcome it if they fell into one. Years of avoiding commitment has made them wonder what else is out there. Having someone to grocery shop with could be kind of nice, and honestly, it’s such a hassle to cook for one. Plus, single dudes can’t do things like go to the zoo. And you know what? He’s starting to miss the zoo. Because everyone loves the fucking zoo. Maybe you could be that zoo.
29-32: “Wait. All of my friends are suddenly married. This isn’t fun any more.”
This window…this is the window you want to be shopping in. It’s a magical time where single men start to feel the desperation we’ve been feeling for ages. All this time, they’ve had the upper hand. They laughed down their noses at their friends who got suckered into going to pumpkin patches and eating tapas, while they were still able to close down the bars with their other single buddies. But without warning, they woke up one day and realized they were the only one left trying to close down said bars. They don’t know when the shift took place, but it is clear that bros no longer come before hoes. Hoes are, indeed, now running the show with their shared Google calendars of all the activities each couple has coming up. Dinners include wives. Nights out end early. And the single dude is left with his dick in his hand. This is the guy you want to go after. He will literally date the first girl who comes along that doesn’t make him want to claw his eyes out, just because he’s tired of having nothing to do.
33-36: “I’ve been single for this long, I don’t want to settle down with just anybody.
You’ve now entered another danger zone. Homeboy is on the down swing. That was quick. Guys at this age are putting an emphasis on the quality of girls they date.. They realize they’re late to the relationship party, and if they made it this far through life on their own, they’re okay holding out just a little longer for perfection. Those suckers who settled down in their mid twenties to early thirties scooped up any basic bitch who slobbed a good knob. Not this guy. The woman he’s after won’t just be smart, successful, and hot. She will be the most smart, the most successful, and the most hot. He’s probably seen the first of his friends get divorced, so he’s going to be really smart and really selective about who he decides to spend forever with. He wants companionship, for sure. But he wants to make sure he gets it just right. He’s waited 34 years. What’s another six months?
37-45: “Wait. All of my friends are married. This is actually THE MOST fun I’ve ever had.”
Dating guys this age is fun, because if you, him, and your parents all walked into a room, it’s not immediately apparent if he should be friends with them or with you. If a guy makes it past 36 without settling down, he enters this new phase of life where he realizes he is king. He no longer feels self-conscious being the only single guy, because he realizes…he’s the ONLY single guy. If he is even marginally attractive and has a good job, every single woman within a 50-mile radius will be using his dick as a life preserver in an attempt to save her dying ovaries, because it is literally the only quality dick they can find. He can close on ANY age bracket — twenties, thirties, forties, fifties — all of them want the guy who’s old enough to both have his shit together and know his way around a vagina, but young enough to have most of his hair. If you thought the college dudes were drowning in a sea of cooter, they have nothing on this guy, and he’s not going to be willing to give that up. He’ll be out there Peter Panning it up until he becomes entirely reliant on Viagra to achieve erection, and even then? He might not settle.
45+: “What is dating?”
A guy this age is either weird AF or single again, and girl, what the fuck are you doing with a guy this age, other than exchanging sex for presents? Please take a moment to locate your chill..