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What’s your favorite snack? JUST KIDDING – I DON’T CARE! I already discovered the finest snack this world has to offer and I’m not open to suggestions or alternative opinions.
Chex Mix is the undisputed, reigning king of all snacks. It is a party in your mouth so titillating, you may just throw some down your trousers to see if it has the same effect on your nether regions as it does bumping and grinding against your taste buds. (It doesn’t, but I won’t stop you from trying).
The crunchiness, variety (pretzel, cheese rod, cereal thing), entirely reasonable price point, and crack-like combination of salt and oil make Chex Mix the ideal snack for a drive in the car, a walk on the beach, a trip to the doctor, or literally any other thing you could ever wish to do in this world. There is nothing, as a human on planet earth, that I could do that wouldn’t be enhanced by Chex Mix.
I would take Chex Mix in the shower with me if I could. In fact, I can and I will. Why not? Starting right now I’m a Chex shower girl. Excuse me while I go dirty myself up so I can hop into a steamy standing bath (shower) with a bowl of The Original Party Mix to keep me company as I get all sudsy.
I’m serious. Just wait right here, it’ll only take a second.
*Sound of running water and audible moans*
Hey! I’m back! Sorry that took longer than I anticipated, I had to lick the bag clean. I’m just going to make myself some breakfast, then we’ll get back to the article.
*Sound of Chex Mix being poured into a bowl, covered in milk, and consumed gleefully as a well-rounded breakfast cereal*
While traditional Chex Mix was my gateway drug, I’m partial to a good time so yes – some would say I’ve dabbled in the less traditional flavors. I cannot say with 100% certainty that I have tried every flavor of Chex Mix on the market, but I also cannot say with 100% certainty that I haven’t. I take Chex Mix to work, to parties, to the park, on dates (in case of emergency), and sometimes to bed with me. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t woken up with some Chex Mix crumbs wedged in highly personal crevices on more than one occasion. But what can I say, I’m addicted to the crunch.
Depending on what flavor I’m eating, Chex Mix is my security blanket or my hype man and I recommend you fully indoctrinate yourself ASAP. Please see the below beginners guide to navigating the emotional support system that is Chex Mix flavors for your reference.
Hot & Spicy
Oh, your night is just getting started. You showered, slipped into the pair of jeans that feign the existence of a “booty” and are looking to party. Hot & Spicy is going to take you to that next level. You won’t eat too much because frankly, your taste buds can only take so much. That’s good news, however, because you won’t bloat before the club. Ultimately, Hot & Spicy will satisfy your craving for adventure better than any shot of Tequila ever could.
Cheddar
You’ve had a long week. It’s raining, your colleague Sara wouldn’t stop talking about her receding gums, and to wrap it all up in a fucking bow, you have to get on a flight tonight to make it to a Friday conference. What kind of sadist has a conference on a Friday? Regardless, you’re at the airport and there’s seemingly no solace from the hell that is an airport waiting area. That is, until you stop by the convenience store and buy yourself a fat water and an extra-large bag of Cheddar Chex Mix. Your night just flipped upside down – you can thank me later.
Honey Nut
You planned a picnic this weekend and you’re stoked. Spring is here and you’re going to lay in the sun all day, drinking Prosecco, not giving a damn who sees your pasty legs. The sun is out and life is sweet. Speaking of sweet, the Honey Nut Chex Mix is the perfect complement to a light breeze and the soft tickle of freshly mowed grass. Trust.
Honey BBQ
Do you watch sports? I don’t, but if I did I would NEVER attend any sports viewing party without some Honey BBQ Chex by my side. It’s sweet, it’s bold, it’s savory, and it tastes like freedom and good eating. It’s rustic with a hint of slow, crackling fire. Honey BBQ is the flavor memories are made of – be an adult and bring it as a hostess gift forever more.
Sour Cream and Onion
Have you ever wondered what youth and bliss tastes like? Look no further, friend, because I’ve found it in the Sour Cream and Onion Chex Mix. Whether you’re sitting in the break room eating a ham sandwich or at your kids soccer game screaming at little Geoffrey because he keeps picking grass and saying things like “sharing is caring” when he passes the ball to the opposite team, nothing will enhance the situation more than some Sour Cream and Onion glee.
I can’t compare Chex Mix to any other snack, aside from the runner up for best snack in the world — the Wheat Thin — because I don’t really care to dabble in lesser brands. I have no intention of ever buying off brand Chex Mix or, god forbid, making it at home and quite frankly I don’t want to hear about your preference in chips or crackers. This is simply not up for debate.
Tonight I’m having a small party at my apartment and make no mistake, there will be upwards of three different flavors of Chex Mix perched next to the bar. I’m thinking Jalapeno Cheddar, Traditional, and Turtle – but we’ll see what speaks to me at the store.
I’m committed to living life to the fullest and surrounding myself with things that I love and Chex Mix has made the short list.
If you’re in the area, stop by my house party and elevate your snack game. I’ll give you a taste of the good life. Chex is for everyone. .
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CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
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You’re a certified psychopath if you pour milk over Chex Mix.
The thought of this makes me sick to my stomach
Seriously, is that a real thing?
How do you leave the best varietal, BOLD, off this guide?
Great, now I want Bold Chex mix.
Signed,
Eating for Two
Hands down the best variety, without it I’d have never known what Worcestershire sauce was
Had to make an account just to note the travesty that Bold wasn’t included. Glad I’m not alone here
You…you are wise.
Don’t sleep on the spicy one either
Dating Playbook: Homemade Chex Mix ??
Gardetto’s are easily better. All the goodness of Chex Mix but without the shitty Chex
It’s all about that Traditional flavor because it represents wholesome family values while secretly worshipping The All Seeing Eye Serpent Overlord lol
Chex Mix became obsolete as soon as they started selling rye chips on their own.
Turtle Chex Mix is a total dark horse here. 10/10 would recommend.
Have you tried puppy chow? It’s a dessert version and a Christmastime staple
I think Chex Mix makes a version called mud buddies that is not far off from homemade!
Puppy chow/muddy buddies are the only way Chex should be consumed.
Buy the original bag, open, sprinkle in some old bay seasoning, gently toss, enjoy. You’re welcome.
My great-aunt makes the best Chex Mix. I think it’s pretty much the box recipe but she knows to leave out the wheat chex, up the nuts quotient, up the Worstershire, season it perfectly, and cook it to the perfect crunch. She sends it to me by the gallon bag and it’s so hard to make that last a couple days.