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Everyone poops. Because of this, many public restrooms that I’ve used have been an absolute war zone. There have been groans, occasional shouts, and messes on the floor; it’s disgusting. While I’m aware that my Sperry’s (flex) are boat shoes, they’re not meant for to be stepping in pee water because 37-year-old Richard from accounting still can’t hit the urinal.
It’s all well and good to do what you need to do in whatever manner you please while in the comfort of your own home, but these animals, nay, these savages, are taking it to a whole new level here. It’s like the wild west out here and there needs to be some regulation put in place. So, before Uncle Sam steps in and lays down the law out here to tame these beasts, I’ve written some general guidelines to follow just as a decent human being.
I can’t believe I had to write this, but here we go.
“How ‘bout a courtesy flush over there?”
Nobody wants to come into a stall ready to do their #business when there’re still chocolate streaks on that white porcelain. It’s common courtesy, hence the name, to clean up any leftovers after the initial flush. And as they say, when in doubt, flush it out.
I’ve only managed to do this once and I’ve never felt more ashamed. If you do somehow manage to clog a public restroom toilet because you apparently ate two Chipotle burritos for breakfast, then maybe drop a line to the custodial engineer outside to let him know someone, you don’t know who, clogged the toilet. Everyone will appreciate it.
One of my coworkers had HR called him in because he was playing his butt trumpet around the office and, shocker, people didn’t like that. Look, I’m not naive; everybody makes air biscuits. Well, apparently not my girlfriend, but everyone else (I assume) does. That’s okay, but don’t be booty belching as we’re having a conversation at the sink. Have some decency and clench those cheeks… unless you think it’ll be silent.
The whole ‘have an empty urinal between you and the other guy’ is so middle school. We’re grown ass men and if you still have a concern about peeing next to someone then you should hold all bathroom trips until you’re in the comfort of your own home. I just looked at my calendar and it reminded me that it’s 2018 so I could care less if you pee next to me. Heck, share my urinal if you’re in a pinch, but just make sure to relay to my boss of what a team player I am so I receive a glowing result on my annual review.
I may be somewhat of a social butterfly, but sometimes at work, I like to avoid all social interaction. Small talk is for the birds, but it especially has no place in a public restroom. If we’re having a conversation as we’re walking into the bathroom then that ends IMMEDIATELY when either (or both) of us walk into our respective stalls. I don’t care if it’s discussing a project that won’t meet its deadline or about some health issue that your cousin Jeffery — don’t you dare try and carry on that conversation as you’re trying to make the Cleveland Browns make The Super Bowl. .