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During March Madness, I proclaimed in my “How A Disinterested Girl Fills Out A Bracket” column that “Picking teams by player hotness is how I won my office football pool this year.” Confession time: while I absolutely did win my office’s NFL pool last year, I fibbed a little bit on the how-I-won part. I actually only employed the hotness method for some match ups, usually the ones I didn’t give a shit about. For others, I actually used my reasonable amount of football knowledge, garnered from Sundays spent on the couch ignoring my actual studies to study the greatest sport ever invented.
So each Wednesday, I’ll be bringing you my picks for that week’s NFL match-ups, using a mix of football acumen and girl-based logic. Before we get started, I need to disclose that, no matter who they are playing, I will always pick the Patriots to win, and I won’t explain myself to you heathens. I don’t care if Tom Brady breaks both arms and Gronk comes down with such a bad case of gonorrhea that he has to be sidelined, I am a homer through and through, and I firmly believe it’s bad ju-ju to not pick your team to win, whatever the circumstances. You can mock me for this stance however you want in the comments, but until your team wins four Super Bowls in thirteen years, I don’t much care for your opinion, loser.
Okay, now that I got that out of my system, here we go:
Pittsburgh (11-6) at New England (14-4)
Patriots favored by 6.5
Angry Tom Brady + opening night on home field + healthy Gronk = Patriots win
Pick: Patriots
Miami (8-8) at Washington (4-12)
Dolphins favored by 3.5
How is the spread only 3.5? The Redskins have no passing game and no way to stop Miami’s passing game. The only thing they do have is a bat-shit crazy wife of their general manager who likes to accuse reporters of trading oral sex for stories and being her husband’s “side chick.” Well, I guess if things get bad enough, they can put her in – bitch seems crazy enough to run down Ndamukong Suh.
Pick: Dolphins
Cleveland (7-9) at NY Jets (4-12)
Jets favored by 2.5
The Jets need a decent passing game to have a prayer this season, and there’s too much uncertainty at the quarterback position for me to be totally comfortable here. They did add one of my favorite Patriots, running back Stevan Ridley, to their roster in the off-season, but if a torn ACL and MCL is as painful as it sounds, is he back at 100%?
Pick: Browns
Carolina (8-9-1) at Jacksonville (3-13)
Panthers favored by 3.5
I’m sorry, I’m too busy being dazzled by Cam Newton’s smile to even consider not picking Carolina.
Pick: Panthers
Kansas City (9-7) at Houston (9-7)
Texans favored by .5
Given that Andy Reid likes to use cheeseburger references (see hereand here), I give the Chiefs a chance of 7 out of 10 cheeseburgers at beating the Texans. What can I say, the man speaks my language.
Pick: Chiefs
Green Bay (13-5) at Chicago (5-11)
Packers favored by 6.5
The Packers have had a tough offseason in their receiving corps. Jordy Nelson tore his ACL, Randall Cobb’s shoulder looks a little iffy, and Adrian Coxson abruptly retired this week, citing concussion issues. But if Cobb stays healthy, along with Davante Adams and James Jones, Rodgers should have enough targets to beat the Bears. Plus, who are we kidding? IT’S THE BEARS.
Pick: Green Bay
Seattle (14-4) at St. Louis (6-10)
Seahawks favored by 3.5
Much like Brady, Wilson has some pent up anger to get out on the field. Wouldn’t you, if one of the last plays you made last season cost you the Super Bowl and you were dating a smokeshow singer you weren’t banging? Either way, I’m pretty sure you could put Wilson and Marshawn Lynch on the field alone and they could still beat the Rams.
Pick: Seahawks
Indianapolis (13-6) at Buffalo (9-7)
Colts favored by 2.5
I’m not entirely sure the move upstate is going to fare any better for Rex Ryan than it did for the Jets. And does anyone actually believe the Bills can beat the Colts? Like, seriously?
Pick: Colts
Detroit (11-6) at San Diego (9-7)
San Diego favored by 2.5
I have a soft spot in my heart for the Lions for all those years that they just sucked. I mean, I literally cried when they finally broke that losing streak in 2009. Between that and the fact that there is something about Philip Rivers that makes me want to punch him in the face, this one’s an easy, if not logical, call.
Pick: Lions
New Orleans (7-9) at Arizona (11-6)
Cardinals favored by 2.5
It could be that I’m still pissed about Carson FREAKING Palmer being in that NFL Super Bowl 50 tweet instead of my beloved TB12, or it could be that I’m not too sure that coming back from an ACL tear at age 35 is really doable, but I think I have to go with the Saints here.
Pick: Saints
Cincinnati (10-6-1) at Oakland (3-13)
Bengals favored by 3.5
While that handsome ginger Andy Dalton does give me butterflies, I’m going to go rogue here and go with the Raiders. No other reason than a gut feeling…we’ll see how it turns out.
Pick: Raiders
Baltimore (11-7) at Denver (12-5)
Broncos favored by 4.5
There are probably not two quarterbacks I hate more than Peyton Manning and Joe Flacco. Is it possible for me to pick them both to lose? No? Ok, fine.
Pick: Baltimore
Tennessee (2-14) at Tampa Bay (2-14)
Buccaneers favored by 3.5
I didn’t go to a football school, but my boss went to Oregon, so I’ve been forced to worship at the altar of the Ducks for the past few years (I literally have more Oregon stuff then I do of my three alma maters combined), so Marcus Mariota is a favorite of mine. With identical worst in the league records from last season, the only real difference here is the two rookie quarterbacks, and there is just something about Ol’ Crab Legs that really bugs me.
Pick: Titans
NY Giants (6-10) at Dallas (13-5)
Cowboys favored by 5.5
This is actually the exact same game that the teams played as the opener in the 2013 season, and I think we are going to see the same result, although if Victor Cruz is healthy and Odell Beckham Jr. is on his game, I could be wrong.
Pick: Dallas
Philadelphia (10-6) at Atlanta (6-10)
Eagles favored by 2.5
I got stuck with Matt Ryan in my fantasy draft, so my heart tells me to go with the Falcons just so I can score some points. But Sam Bradford’s pre-season was just a little bit too good for me to ignore, particularly that neither team has fantastic defense. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve got also DeMarco Murray on my fantasy team, so either way this is a win-win for me.
Pick: Eagles
Minnesota (7-9) at San Francisco (8-8)
Vikings favored by 2.5
This is a pretty even match, and one that I don’t really care about. So I’m going to give it to the 49ers, just for those hot looking new alternate uniforms they’ll be wearing.
Pick: 49ers
(Spreads as of Tuesday from OfficeFootballPool.com )
Image via Joseph Sohm / Shutterstock.com
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
Andy Dalton handsome? Yeah and Kendra is a good writer.
Well said, can’t trust a soulless ginger qb to win a playoff game
Even though he is souless and he sucks, I still don’t see Oakland having any chance at winning. She must been blacked out when she got that hunch
49ers look like trash.
Bottle of wine says Seahawks don’t cover.
Philip Rivers, currently the most misunderstood NFL player
Literally, his face just makes me want to punch it.
Right in your suck hole
Kirk Cousins: 16-24, 190 yds, 0 tds, 2 ints (both in the second half). Two Alfred Morris touchdown runs fall short as Ryan Tannehill throws over 300 yds and 3 touchdowns, including one to Jarvis Landry with 3 minutes left. Another tough one for us Skins fans.
The Eagles have a solid defense. Their D line is top tier and they’ve made big improvements to their secondary with the addition of Undlin as a coach. I also drafted a lot of Eagles on all my fantasy teams. I’m putting all my chips on green. #InChipWeTrust
The Eagles offense is terrifying but they spread the ball around too much for me to really like anyone outside of Bradford (who has a body held together by scotch tape and hope) and Matthews.
I have Bradford, but also picked up Brady in the 6th (steal). A big sleeper this year is Agholor. He has great hands and speed. Also fantasy players the Eagles D/ST usually put up some TD’s as well. Special teams can win games
I like Agholor, he’s got the speed to make plays especially with Matthews pulling a lot of attention. He was my rookie hail mary pick this year (thank you, Mike Evans)
You did much better on this than expected, kudos on the healthy nfl knowledge.
If the Bengals blow it against Oakland I may not watch another Bengals game this season
Hard time believing Cleveland covers 2.5 against the Jets D.
Hey now. Don’t be hatin’ on da bears. Cutty does it