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Not to brag, but I’m kind of an expert on red wine. A Master Sommelier of sorts in that, yeah, I’ve seen Somm on Netflix like three different times and take an occasional breeze through the wine section at Whole Foods just in case there’s a bottle of Decoy on sale. Again, I don’t want to be braggadocious about my expertise – but yes, I am an expert.
Can I open a bottle of wine with a normal corkscrew while standing table side without spilling? Uh, yeah. Have I been wine tasting everywhere from Michigan’s Leelanau Peninsula down to estates in Central Texas? Duh. Have I left many a party with wine mouth that leads to a splitting headache the next day? Of course, because I’m an expert. Which is why I’m going to impart my knowledge upon you because everyone knows that the best single season for drinking red wine is, of course, fall.
5. Merlot
Flavors: Watermelon, strawberry, cherry, plum.
Food Pairings: Literally anything if you’re a scumbag who drinks merlot.
Pronounced: Mare-lo
Hungover from a weekend of skiing and drinking draft beer straight from the pitcher, I thought it would be a good idea to watch Sideways – a film that (on the surface) is about wine. Turns out that it’s not about wine and it’s about two guys who pretty much hate their lives. Quite possibly one of the worst Sunday Scaries movies ever created; a film not to be included into the rotation.
That being said, Miles Raymond (the film’s main character) states, “No, if anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!” And that, my friends, is why I completely stopped drinking merlot. I simply can’t bounce back if I’m sipping a glass and someone comes at me with that line. What am I supposed to say? “No, man, I love wines that have watermelon and strawberry notes!” That’s a terrible look.
4. Malbec
Flavors: Sour cherry, spice.
Food Pairings: Foie gras if you’re bougie enough, and Mexican/Cajun/Indian dishes if you’re psycho enough to drink wine with those.
Pronounced: Mal-bek
Hailing from Argentina, Malbecs are a lower-priced alternative to Cabernet Sauvignons and Syrahs, but more on that in a second. The only reason you should know this is so you can ask your friends, “Why wouldn’t you just buy a Cabernet?” when they show up to your dinner party with a bottle of Malbec. Drinking wine isn’t about actually loving wine. It’s about making everyone around you feel inferior, and nothing makes people feel more inferior than when you poo-poo their selection.
But with that being said, it’s a drink-at-home-in-bed selection for when you’re not trying to impress the masses. From your filtered Instagram stories, no one is going to be able to tell the difference in coloration from the Malbec you’re drinking. Everyone’s going to think it’s definitely a Cab.
3. Pinot Noir
Flavors: Tomato leaf, beet root, pale cherry, blackberry, cola, plum.
Food Pairings: Salmon, chicken, lamb and sushi. Wait, what? Red wine with sushi?
Pronounced: Pee-know na-wahr
Don’t. mind. if. I. do.
On the light side of reds, Pinot is – to put it lightly – very poundable. You can pretty much drink it with anything so when you’re drinking to catch a wine buzz on a crisp autumn night, versatility is key. Simply put, you just can’t go wrong. Risotto? Trout? Maybe a white pizza or a lobster rav? Uh, yeah, no we drinkin’ Pinot Noir.
Much like you once the temperature hits 59 degrees, Pinots love cool climates. Order a bottle confidently when you’re at a group dinner just knowing that it will likely pair well with whatever Sarah and Brett order as their entrees. A simple “I got this” when the waiter stops by to ask if anyone has any questions will do.
2. Syrah (or Shiraz)
Flavors: Blackberry, boysenberry, plum, pepper, clove.
Food Pairings: meat (steak, beef, wild game, stews, etc.)
Pronounced: Sah-ra or Shi-raz
Full-bodied. High tannin. Long legs. Syrahs are that girl you dated in your early 20s that was probably living life a little too on the wild side but you did it anyway. Can you handle taking down a glass of Syrah along with your duck? Is that too rich for you in your old, tender age? Or are you willing to order a glass of some the darkest red wine that France, Australia, Spain, and Argentina have to offer?
Justify it by boasting to your friends about the disgusting amount of antioxidants in each glass. Sure, you have no idea how antioxidants affect you much like you have no idea why you’re drinking kombucha, but it’s all about the vibes at this point. Be bold.
1. Cabernet Sauvignon
Flavors: Bell pepper, green olive, herb, cassis, black cherry.
Food Pairings: Red. Meat.
Pronounced: Ca-burr-nay so-veen-yaw
“Imagine you’ve filled a new leather bag with a pound of black cherries and held it to your chest while rolling down a hill. Yum.”
I have absolutely no fucking idea what that means, but I’ll say this – I want in. Nothing screams “luxury” like filling an Italian leather bag with black cherries and treating it like absolute garbage. That’s something Thomas Crown would do after crashing a catamaran just because he liked the splash.
But in all seriousness, Cab Sauvs are the ultimate fall red. Expensive. Dark, but not too dark. Full-bodied, yet subtle. And to boot, pairs well with red meat and gruyere cheeseburgers? Every day of the week and four glasses on Sunday while you watch the Francis Mallmann episode of Chef’s Table.
Unfortunately, no, none of these wines smell like a freshly opened can of tennis balls. Dammit, Ian.* .
*Only real “Somm” fans will understand this reference.
[Information via Wine Mag / French Scout]
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Trader Joe’s boxed Cabernet Sauvignon, because I’m broke.
Pairs well with Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons, where I go through wine extra quickly.
I just reverse this list and it works fine.
Also, I went to Bordeaux as part of my MBA, and there is nothing more pretentious as dropping the “well, when I was in Bordeaux…” line at a wine tasting in, say, Northern Wisconsin.
I drank wine every day for like 2 months after watching Somm.
Witnessed a couple order red wine at El Tiempo last week. Really have to question someone’s sanity at that point
I don’t know why you’re downvoted here because ordering anything but margs and fajitas at El T is a travesty.
1/2 lb of mixed chicken and beef fajitas for the wife, I get a combo plate. Outstanding variety and leftovers for dayzzz.
Call up the white coats
My favorite is a Temperanillo from the Rioja region of Spain, so this list is incomplete.
Texas has bomb Tempernillo’s. One of the many reasons Texas is the greatest state in the world.
I believe these are typically from more arid regions, which would make sense Texas has a good crop of them.
Syrah, Sangiovese, (Cab) Sauvignon. Keep it in the S’s and you’ll remove all your stresses.
Favorite varietal: Cabbie Sauv
Most consistent and best value: Malbec all day.
Also, consider adding Tempranillo/Rioja to your rotation. Somewhere between a Cab and a Pinot and your money will go a LOT farther with Spanish wines.
He should also throw in Dolcetto after Pinot, it’s like Pinot but better and you sound bougier ordering it
Not familiar with that one! I’ll add it to the list. Not to talk shit about Chianti, but all of the northern Italian stuff I’ve had blows it out of the water.
Spot on Chianti take, I always order it thinking it will be good and it always disappoints
I usually go for the ones that have notes of new garden hose.
Was really thinking you’d be bougie enough to throw Beaujolais in the mix, but I like the list. Tempernillo and Sangiovese need some love. Bigger fan of the original Somm or the follow up, Into the Bottle, Will?
Oz and James May Wine Adventure is a better show