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Alright, folks – the end is in sight. After this episode only two more hours of this shit stand between us and what is certain to be an anticlimactic ending to Becca’s journey to
one million Instagram followers find love. (For the record, I don’t count Men Tell All in that tally because it’s garbage.) I normally pride myself on being a relatively emotionless person, but for some reason this episode kicked me in the feels. After jetting all over the US for Hometown Dates, Becca and her three remaining boy toys head off to Thailand for this week’s conjugal visits Fantasy Suite Dates. Let’s break it down.
Fantasy Suite Date with Blake
As the dudes landed in Thailand, the producers surprised them each with their own suites. Imagine their elation at no longer having to bunk six deep in a single room, constantly surrounded by their friends who are all trying to bang the same girl. Before they went their own separate direction, one producer pulled the three dudes off to the side.
“One last thing,” he says, motioning for them to come in closer. “I need you to draw straws.”
The dudes look at him with a puzzled glance until he pulls his hand from behind his back, revealing three seemingly identical straws; you know, the nice disposable ones that we’re not allowed to love anymore.
“Just pick a straw,” he insists. “It’ll make sense in a minute.”
The dudes comply, each pulling the straw nearest to them.
“Hold up,” Garrett says, looking at the rather diminutive straw in his hand. “Why is my straw so tiny”
The producer smirks. “Well, it’s so tiny because you’ve drawn the short straw.”
“What’s that mean?” Garrett inquires.
“It means that you’re getting the last date this week.”
Garrett groans, and Blake and Jason compare the size of their straw, much like Becca will be doing this week as well. Jason had drawn the medium, Mama Bear sized straw, landing him the second date while Blake had the longest, meaning that if he played his cards right, he would be the next initiate into Arie’s Eskimo brother fraternity.
As their date commences, Becca greets Blake with her standard four-limbed hug. They nuzzle their faces together, whispering to each other about how much they missed one another. Meanwhile, I do the same thing, except with my wine glass instead of a human companion.
Becca and Blake journey to some random ass part of the rain forest in Thailand where Becca informs him that their destination will be a very sacred Buddhist temple.
“Cool!“ Blake exclaims. “I’ve never smashed in a temple before. I did get a tug job at a bat mitzvah once though.“
“About that,“ Becca answers, “This temple is so sacred that we’re actually not even allowed to touch each other or be physically affectionate in any way while we’re there, so you’re going to have to keep your hands to yourself.“
“I mean I could, but why would I want to? That seems like the opposite of what I signed up for,“ Blake whispers. Becca doesn’t seem to notice his displeasure, as she charges headlong into the Thai jungle.
Blake trots after her and the two of them hike along a trail, pretending to be outdoorsy and shit. It’s like a normal hike, except they treat it like two siblings in the backseat of the family minivan on the way to Myrtle Beach playing an elaborate and overtly sexual game of “I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU.” It’s weird. I’m over it.
Once they arrive at the temple, they spent some time walking around and enjoying the various Buddha statues. It looks like a temple. I don’t have much more to say about it than that. One of the squares on this week’s version of Bachelorette Bingo was “monkey sighting” and I am disappointed to inform everyone that there were in fact no monkeys sighted during this segment. Can’t win ‘em all.
Eventually a young Buddhist monk approaches the couple and brings them into the temple to spend some time meditating. More accurately, he attempts to impart wisdom on Becca and Blake but his words go in one ear and out the other as the two of them spend the entirety of their meditation session fantasizing about the things they’re going to do to each other later. Very enlightening.
With their vow of purity intact, Becca and Blake eventually leave the temple and head to dinner. It seems like they are at a nice resort; however, not one that’s nice enough to spring for air conditioning, and we check “awkward sweating” off on our bingo boards as perspiration pours from all of Blakes pores.
As the evening progresses, Becca asks Blake how he’s feeling about their relationship this week and he replies honestly that he has been struggling more than usual with his feelings. This confession only intensifies the sweating situation, which in turn makes Becca (and me) more uncomfortable.
“I guess this week more than any other,” Blake starts, “it’s just hitting me how real all of this is. I know I’m in love with you but I can’t stop wondering about your relationship with the other two guys.”
“Blake,” Becca responds. “I totally understand where you’re coming from. This is about the time on Arie’s season that I really started to get in my head as well. I just want you to know that I care about you a lot and you don’t need to worry. At least that’s what Arie told me, and it really helped put a lot of my fears to rest.”
“But then he left you for someone else,” Blake responds, stunned.
“Sure,” she says. “But that wasn’t until way after I’d already won the game.”
“But, like,” Blake stammers, “How can you say you won the game when he dumped you on national television and now you’re on the same show shopping for your next fiancé?”
“The contracts are pretty clear. I got the last rose and the first Neil Lane ring, so technically I still won,” she answers.
“Becca,” Blake says, “I’m not interested in winning this game. This isn’t even a game to me. I’m in love with you and I want to spend the rest my life with you. I don’t care about the show, I care about us.”
“Congratulations!” Becca says, pulling an envelope out from under the plate holding her uneaten dinner. “Your answer is correct! You have just unlocked the next stage.”
She hands him the envelope, continuing, “Inside you will find one ticket to Pound Town. If you choose to redeem this ticket, I will join you in the Fantasy Suite.”
“Obviously, I want to go to the Fantasy Suite with you, Becca,” Blake tells her. “But I think that we have a lot of things that we still need to talk about…”
“Blake,” Becca sighed, exasperated. “It’s been like six months since I’ve gotten laid. I know you have a lot of feelings and shit, but right now there’s a hotel suite waiting for us. There’s champagne, rose petals, a ball gag… It’s going to be really romantic. I just need you to shut the fuck up and do the sex to me. Can you do that? Or should I get Jason or Garrett to sub in?”
“Put me in coach!” Blake answers.
The camera follows them to the door of the fantasy suite, which is promptly slammed shut. After a commercial break we’re teleported to the next morning, where Blake and Becca are cuddling in bed.
“Hi there, sleepyhead” Becca rasps, putting out her third post-coital cigarette on the bedside table. “What are you thinking about?”
Blake ponders for a moment, deciding whether to be honest or cute. “I’m just thinking about how badly it would suck if this is the last time I get to wake up next to you. And about how I’m going to spend the next two nights unable to sleep because I know you’ll be getting dicked down by two of my buddies.” Whoever said honesty is the best policy really did Blake a disservice here.
“Oh Blake,” Becca replies. “You’re cute. But the reason I signed up for this show in the first place was to have some dick delivered directly to me, and your feelings aren’t going to stop me from getting mine. On the bright side, you hit it first. You’ll always have that. Now get out; I have to get ready for my next victim.”
With that, Blake departs. I really like Blake, but I’m almost certain that Becca is going to destroy his life.
Fantasy Suite Date with Jason
Not only did drawing the medium sized straw win Jason the second date, it ensured his date was neither totally garbage, like visiting a Buddhist temple, nor the most exciting. The day starts with Becca and Jason exploring a Thai city, drinking fruity drinks, shopping for local wares, eating insects (because overcoming fears of eating disgusting animals translates into falling in love), and visiting more temples.
Everything seems to be going smoothly until Jason makes a reference to the future, causing Becca to freak the fuck out. She excuses herself for a moment, pretending to have to give an on-camera interview for the producers, but instead having a panic attack over the thought of Jason being in her life post-Bachelorette.
“We were just talking about, like, how cool temples are, and he brought up, like, something about living together when we were engaged. Like, why would he even say that? We were having a nice time, and now he’s trying to put all this pressure on me! It doesn’t make sense. Thinking about Jason beyond just today put this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach,” Becca word vomits to a nearby producer.
“Are you sure that feeling isn’t all those bugs you ate earlier?” the producer asks.
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore! Why is this happening to me?” Becca laments.
“It happens to you because this is the price you pay to get a million Instagram followers, you dumb bitch,” the producer mutters under his breath.
On that note, the episode cuts to a commercial break. What the actual fuck, Becca? Given that Jason is neither a potential racist homophobe nor someone who recently, as his own mother would describe it, endured a significant mental breakdown, he is logically the most rational choice for a husband, but this show isn’t about making those kind of choices. It’s about listening to your
After the commercial break, we’ve already fast-forwarded to the dinner portion of the date, so who knows what happened during the rest of their stroll about the streets of Thailand? Approximately thirty seconds into dinner Becca loses her mind again.
“Everything okay, Beccster?” Jason asks, clearly uncomfortable.
Again, Becca excuses herself unceremoniously and goes to have another moment off camera.
Jason sits silently, seemingly confused. Come on man – she didn’t run off in tears to go find a special rose for you. Read the writing on the wall.
When Becca returns, she cuts to the chase. “I can’t be with you,” she tells him bluntly.
“What?” he asks, clearly not understanding her statement.
“Today on our date, you brought up our plans for the future, and I realized when I think about my future, I don’t see you in it.” Becca is cooler than cool right now – she’s ice cold.
“You don’t see a future with me?” Jason asks.
“It’s not that I don’t see one, it’s just that I see a future with the other two guys more than I see one with you,” she tells him bluntly. This is brutal. Is Becca breaking up with me? It feels like I’m getting dumped just watching this.
“So you’re saying there’s a chance?” Jason asks. “You haven’t completely shut the door on our relationship?”
“I mean, to be honest, I’m not 100% sure I’m doing the right thing. I’m so confused right now. But you’re definitely in last place, and I don’t feel right offering you an overnight date if I know you’re going to go home at the end of the week!” Becca tells him.
“But if you aren’t totally sure, don’t you think we owe it to ourselves to take the time we have left and keep exploring our relationship?” Jason begs. “What if we get to the Fantasy Suite and this dick is too good to send home?”
“Believe it or not, I thought about that,” Becca admits. “But I think tonight I’m still going to be taking a break and icing my downstairs to get ready for my date with Garrett, so you can go shave your back now, Jason. Not that it needs to be shaved – I had just gone all season without making that joke, and since this is my last shot, I had to do it to you.”
“You’re a monster,” Jason tells her before getting in the limo. “Just kidding,” he recants, remember the importance of being positive and open to love during these exit interviews. “Thank you for this experience! I hope you find love, although not as much as I have the opportunity to find love in the future, possibly starting in January with twenty-five to thirty gorgeous young women! Bye Becca!”
With that, Jason departs, almost certainly to bigger and better things.
Fantasy Suite Date with Garrett
There are only two significant events on this date. The first is that Becca and Garrett paddled a raft down a muddy river where they saw wild elephants just hanging around, doing elephant things, being all cute and shit. It was amazing. The second is that the morning after their Fantasy Suite date, it was very apparent that they had broken the headboard of the bed they used for their fornication. Honestly, that’s all you need to know.
— Allison Cowden (@allisoncowden) July 24, 2018
Return of the Jason
Despite having taken his break up like a champ, and in doing so catapulting himself to early favorite for taking up the mantle to be the next Bachelor, Jason decides to make a grab for more screen time. He tells Becca he couldn’t leave Thailand without closure, which is both understandable and annoying. While she couldn’t give him a great reason why she ended things, I think he could probably read between the lines and pick up on the fact that she just liked her two other boyfriends more than him.
They have a fairly rational conversation, and the more they speak, the more it becomes obvious that Becca is super over both Jason and talking about their breakup. He throws a Hail Mary and gives her a scrapbook of memories of their relationship, which is the lamest shit I’ve seen this season and makes me like him a lot less. Becca thanks him and suggests that he may want to get to the airport so he should go ahead and skedaddle up on out of her room. He begrudgingly complies, telling her “I’ll talk to you soon,” at the door, which is weird, because they definitely won’t be talking soon.
Becca reads the scrapbook after he’s gone. She laughs. She cries. She says a bunch of lines about how great Jason is, which we were certainly hear again during the opening montage of the first episode of his Bachelor season in January.
Despite having two remaining dudes and two remaining roses, Becca holds a Rose Ceremony, because this is a reciprocal process and she wants to give her men the chance to either accept or not accept the rose she offers to them. Are you rolling your eyes? You should be rolling your eyes.
Unsurprisingly, both Garrett and Blake accept their roses. Joy abounds.
With the two dudes Becca has left, she is totally fucked, and here’s why – Blake isn’t confident about where their relationship is in the context of being on The Bachelorette, but he’s totally confident about wanting to be with Becca outside of the show. Garrett is the complete opposite; he has no qualms about the strength of his current relationship with Becca but does question whether or not he’s ready to be engaged again. I’m sure this will culminate in *the most dramatic Bachelorette finale yet* – I don’t read spoilers but my prediction is she chooses Garrett, sends Blake off the deep end, and then makes some lame ass excuses about how Garrett’s internet commentary isn’t reflective of who he is as a person. It’ll be great. We’ll all love it.
I’ll be live tweeting Men Tell All and will be back in action for the recap of the finale next week! See you then..
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