A Dude’s Breakdown Of Week 5 Of “The Bachelorette”

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I’m going to go ahead and say this: Kaitlyn is the new Juan Pablo. I’m so annoyed with her that I almost wish we had Britt back. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice at this point.

This episode starts with Pubehead McGee (or Nick, if we’re getting technical about it) moving into the suite with the rest of the dudes. The next half hour is devoted to watching them decide whether or not Pubes can sit with them. They grill him about his feelings regarding wearing pink on Wednesdays, his history with Andi, and his intentions with Kaitlyn. Newsflash – this is a reality television show; no one’s motives are above reproach. Ultimately, while none of the dudes are thrilled with his presence, they decide it’s not something they’re willing to mutiny over. Only Josh is left in the corner shouting, “He doesn’t even go here!” to anyone who will listen.

Rose Ceremony

Kaitlyn takes the 14 remaining dudes plus Nick to Citi Field for the rose ceremony we’ve waited to see for the last 2 weeks. She’s nervous because this is the first time all of them will be together at same time, but says at this point it’s important for her to “trust her heart.” I’m not a doctor (yet), but based on her choices so far this season, I’m fairly certain that Kaitlyn’s heart is located just past her clitoris, so it may not be her best guide. Time will tell.

From last week, the following dudes already have roses:

Justin – He fixed his hair this week, but his son is still unfortunately named Aurelius.
Justin – Dirt ‘stache has returned.
Cupcake – Still fabulous.

The remaining 9 roses go to:

Ben H: Different person than Nick.
Ben Z: Good at punching people in the face and escaping from locked rooms.
Ryan Gosling
Tanner: The Last of the Unremarkables.
Kentucky Joe: Bears an uncanny resemblance to Syndrome from The Incredibles.
Ian: Continues to rely heavily on his Ivy League education in a competition where none of his fellow competitors could even name all 8 Ivies. He’s the Andy Bernard of this show.
JJ: #TeamClint. Until this moment I had completely forgotten about his existence – ignorance is bliss.
Joshua the Welder
Pubehead McGee

This means we say goodbye to:

Cocaine Corey
Jonathan: Guess switching to #TeamKaitlyn didn’t work out either.
Ryan: The one that’s not Tanner.

Although the season is halfway over, there are still 12 dudes left, which means 8 of them have to go home over the next 2 episodes. Not everyone can make varsity, so either heads are going to start rolling or the dudes are going to start leaving on their own. Considering the next stop is San Antonio, I’m betting they’ll battle it out to at least have the opportunity to use their passports on ABC’s dime.

One-on-One with Ben H

I’m thankful Ben H finally got some airtime, mostly because I had nothing else to say about him other than the “Fat Nick V” joke I’ve used the last 3 weeks. Kaitlyn picks him up in a classic Ford truck and takes him to the oldest dance hall in Texas, where he learns they will be competing in a two-step dance tournament that evening.

They talk about how dancing is a metaphor for love and I roll my eyes. If ABC wants these dates to actually be metaphors for true love, give Kaitlyn and her date food poisoning and see if they’re still attracted to each other after they’ve spent the day simultaneously having diarrhea and vomiting in their shared bathroom. That’s love. Or a disgusting fetish.

Once the competition starts, the two of them aren’t terrible. ABC did a good job of paying off the judges to keep them in the competition for more than the first round, so we get to see them show off the two moves they’ve learned about five times. Once they get cut, they leave to go make out in the bed of the truck for a while.

During the remainder of the date, Kaitlyn tells the camera that it’s important for Ben H to open up to her tonight. He tells her his last relationship was long distance; it ended two years ago when his girlfriend broke up with him because “he lost the chase.” Apparently this is the huge breakthrough Kaitlyn was hoping to have. She rewards him with a rose and more making out, even though I’m pretty sure he just told her he was a shitty boyfriend.

Mariachi Group Date

A date card reading “I love a man in uniform” arrives for Justin, Jared, Ian, Cupcake, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z, Joshua, and Pubes. The dudes meet Kaitlyn at a Mexican restaurant where they are serenaded by a kid who will either grow up to be the next Pitbull or end up running a drug cartel.

This group date is not straying from the “embarrassing public performance” motif that has been ever present this season. This week’s variation on the theme was writing and performing a mariachi song while dressed in a sombrero and traditional Mexican garb. I’m not going to say that it was racist, but if a fraternity did the same thing, it would make national news.

Consistent with previous weeks, the dudes are predictably terrible at mariachi. Pubes was possibly the worst singer of the bunch, and even though he tried to one-up the other guys by serenading Kaitlyn on a balcony, he won their respect since he was willing to make a total fool out of himself. Although the rest of the dudes claim they don’t see him as a threat, he’s already been balls deep in one Bachelorette – there’s a decent chance he could do it again this season. Everyone except for Joshua cheers for him.

They change out of their culturally insensitive outfits and head off to some barn for a cocktail party. Joshua wants to show Kaitlyn he trusts her, and decides the best way to do that is by letting her cut his hair. She’s about as good at being a hairstylist as she is at being The Bachelorette and accidentally cuts a chunk out of the side of his hair. To even things out, she buzzes that entire side, sending him back to the rest of the dudes looking like a 4-year-old that just found the dog shears.

Pubes is the next guy to spend time with Kaitlyn. The two of them just sit around and suck face; let’s be honest, if she’s willing to bring him on halfway through the season, she wants to do more than just talk to him. Once he’s back with the rest of the dudes, Joshua tells Pubes that he doesn’t trust him. I guess Frozen hasn’t made its way to Idaho yet, because Joshua really cannot let this go. He leaves to go tell Kaitlyn how he feels about the situation and tells her everyone in the house feels the same way.

When Joshua’s conversation with Kaitlyn is over, he returns to the rest of the dudes and tells them he was doing an interview with the producers. His cover is blown when Kaitlyn returns and recounts their entire conversation, asking if what he said was true. Her question is met with about two minutes of awkward silence broken only by Joshua begging for someone, anyone, to back him up. In one of the best examples of mob mentality on this season so far, the dudes make a collective unspoken agreement to throw Joshua under the bus. JJ puts the last nail in Joshua’s coffin by nonchalantly mentioning that “I just think it’s odd that the one person who is calling all of us liars is the same person that just lied to all of us.” He may be a twat rocket, but he can play the game. Joshua really shit the bed on this one.

Pubes gets the group date rose, presumably for existing.

One-on-One Date with Shawn

Kaitlyn decides to take the personal trainer who looks like Ryan Gosling kayaking on the Riverwalk in San Antonio. We really don’t see much of what happens, possibly because it was a normal fucking date instead of some asinine charade put together by the producers. Over dinner, Shawn tells her that he was in a bad car accident several years ago and spent a few months in the hospital. They make out and he says, “I’m falling in love with you.” Normally, if you said this on a first date, you’d get rewarded with a restraining order, but in Bachelorette world, it’s incredibly romantic. He gets the rose, and Kaitlyn says she’s feeling the same way. They end the date canoeing in a lake and watching fireworks. Kaitlyn says Shawn could be the guy who gets her final rose, and I’m not sure if she means winning The Bachelorette or doing anal.

Cocktail Party

Jared is the next passenger aboard the “I’m falling in love with you” train and gets to go to second base on Kaitlyn’s rose petal covered bed. But enough about that – Let’s talk about Ian.

Ian started as a strong contender and seemed like a guy who could fly under the radar and advance pretty far; honestly, I could not figure out what he was doing on this show. However, he made his true intentions perfectly clear tonight – he was gunning to be next Bachelor.

Here’s the highlight reel of the shit this pompous jackhole was spewing:

“I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a guy who’s a Princeton graduate, a former model, and has been around the world a few times.”
“I don’t think she understands who I am, and who I am is a catch.”
“Kaitlyn is not half as hot as my last girlfriend.”
“I bring so much more to the table than these other guys – looks, charisma, brains” (He forget to add crippling narcissism and male pattern baldness)

Bottom line on this situation was that Ian was getting overlooked, which isn’t something he’s accustomed to, so obviously he thinks there must be something wrong with Kaitlyn. The episode ends with Ian attempting to repair his bruised ego by telling Kaitlyn he sees her as “a surface level person” and that he came on the show to “meet the girl who had her heart broken by Chris Soules, not the girl who was looking to get her field plowed.” Probably not the best way to become the next Bachelor, Ian.

The last shot of the night was Kaitlyn’s perfected resting bitch face with the fire of a thousand suns burning behind her eyes, ready to be unleashed upon Ian. It also looks like next week is Sexmageddon, so we’ll finally get to see who slips her the business. See you then..

Image via Shutterstock

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Crick Watson MD

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

• @CrickWatsonMD