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In an ideal world, we would all have a strict routine that goes the same way each day of the work week. It’d be uniform, timely, and precise. We don’t live in an ideal world, though.
It’s chaotic, messy, and cruel. Each day of the work week brings with it a separate morning routine that I’m fairly confident is universal for each and every one of us. Waking up and going to work on a Tuesday is far different from waking up and going to work on Thursday, and I felt it was only right to document each day.
Monday
You went to bed on Sunday night at 10:30 p.m. with the feeling that life could not possibly get any worse. You woke up somehow still hungover from Saturday on Monday morning and determined that this was a lie. Life is most definitely worse this morning.
Normally you’d get up at 6:15 a.m., leaving you enough time to eat a bowl of yogurt (possibly with granola if you went to the grocery store this weekend), take a shit, shower, and shave. Instead you hit snooze four times, and now it’s ten after seven. Showering is no longer on the table, so you throw on a dress shirt that hasn’t been ironed and that you wore last Thursday. The suit which will accompany this sorry excuse for a dress shirt hasn’t been dry cleaned in three weeks.
The morning dump will have to take place at the office, and while you do prefer to conduct that type of meeting from home, you revel in the fact that you’ll be using company time to do the deed. Your commute to work takes about an hour, and you’ll be lucky if you’re at your desk by the desired 8:30 timeslot.
Tuesday
The Monday mulligan. They say that Tuesday is the most productive work day of the week, but for me personally it feels more like a day which only reminds me that there is no hope in sight.
No light at the end of the tunnel. Waking up on a Tuesday is a swift kick in the dick, but you didn’t drink alcohol on Monday when you got home from work.
You slept surprisingly well and only hit the snooze button twice this morning. You shower, scrubbing the final remnants of last weekend off of your person with a loofah that desperately needs to be replaced. You shave (because you were too lazy to do it when you got home last night). You even eat a Chewy bar on your way in. Congratulations, son. You’re legitimately to work by 8:30 a.m. this time.
Wednesday
You’re finally feeling like a complete human being again. You rise at 6:15 a.m. with ease, and the morning routine which seemed so daunting the day before is a breeze now. Granola splashes into your strawberry yogurt as you sip some orange juice at the dining room table.
You’re showered and in a freshly laundered suit by 7:00 a.m., and you even beat the boss man into work today. Incredible stuff. A coworker messages you on Lync at 9:30 a.m. about a happy hour happening at the Hooters down the street because he’s a goddamn lunatic, but you decline the offer. You’re a reformed man, now.
Thursday
Hope springs eternal on Thursday morning. There’s a pep in your step as you hop out of bed at 5:00 a.m. It’s time to get a pump in before work starts, and you fucking crush it. Bi’s and tri’s. Arms. A nice 20 minute ab routine. Hell you probably could have just done a full body workout today, but you tell yourself as you walk out of the gym that you’re absolutely, 100% going to be doing this same thing tomorrow morning.
The full body workout can wait until Friday. Once again, you shower and shave and you’re back at your desk cashing checks and slapping ass (metaphorically of course). It’s going to be a great day.
Friday
You wake up at 8:00 a.m. The suit you had on yesterday is laying on the floor in a crumpled heap, and there’s a half empty Miller Lite on your nightstand. Your phone sits at a cool 15% charge because your drunk ass forgot to plug it in last night. Happy hour devolved into a no holds barred drinking marathon, and you’re now putting on khakis and a
No yogurt. No granola. No shower, shit, or shave. You’ll be lucky to be into the office by 9:30 a.m. today, and there is guaranteed to be a few snide remarks from your fellow cube jockeys. Not to worry, though. Friday night will be here before you know it, and the Saturday morning routine is always the same: just drink through it. Monday morning will be here before you know it..
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
I’ve developed this new problem where I (having no friends) don’t go out on the weekends so I’m very well rested which is awesome UNTIL, Sunday night when I can’t fall asleep until 1-2 in the morning and then I wake up exhausted for the week
Melatonin or benadryl to keep your sleep schedule somewhat predictable. I’m 4 months pregnant with twins and I miss melatonin more than sushi or bourbon.
Congrats on the sex
I went out last Thursday and – I shit you not – I woke up at noon on Friday. I was four hours late for work.
Thankfully, my co-workers covered for me and I was supposed to be working from home anyway. Nonetheless, I think I had and survived my first heart attack when I saw what time it was.
Maybe I’m crazy, but I just don’t get people who hit the snooze button like 5 times for 30 extra minutes of sleep. Why not just set your alarm for 30 minutes later get an extra 30 minutes of good sleep rather than 30 minutes of shitty sleep with constant alarm interruptions?
Because maybe we still have hope that we will get up on the first alarm.
How many times does this have to not work before you lose hope?
See I’m in between here. I’ve never understood people that set 8 alarms in 5 minute intervals. That being said I set my alarm for earlier than I actually have to be awake. I need some time to lay there and veg before I get going.
My husband sets multiple alarms and it drives me INSANE. They’re all like 12 minutes apart so it’s long enough to *almost* get back to sleep, but not really.
I do this. One alarm at 6:20, one at 6:50. I’m all in for the long snooze.
Because there’s always that off-chance that you WILL wake up at your pre-set time feeling great; in which case, you’d sure hate to have wasted that extra 30 minutes.
Yeah, It’s not good. I’m already annoyed my alarm is going off in the first place. If I snooze it, I’ll just get annoyed multiple times. Then I’ll get up, still tired, and even more annoyed that before. I’m getting annoyed just thinking about having to wake up again tomorrow.
I’m 99% positive if I showed up on Friday hungover and un-showered at 9:30, there’d be a new employee sitting in my office chair.
With you on this one. Showing up after 7:45 would cause a stir for my line of work unfortunately.
Monday: 5:40 wake up, Gym, Healthy Breakfast
Tuesday: 5:40 wake up, Gym, Healthy Breakfast
Wednesday: 5:40 wake up, Gym, Healthy Breakfast
Thursday: 5:40 wake up, Gym, Healthy Breakfast
Friday: 7:20 wake up, hungover, Dip for breakfast
Nothing like a gagger for breakfast
I gotta on this million dollar rich grind
Chug a full glass of water as soon as you wake up, it will change your life. It’s like in a video game when ou get a health pack at go from 50% to 85% health instantly
100% true. Also really helps get you to lunch without starving to death
Today my routine was wake up groggy and hungover.
I need to know more about that photo. Is will using a flip phone, is it a Hotel phone with the attachment embedded in the upholstery, is he calling a number he found in the paper?
The thought of coming into work at 8:30 is frightening. Lucky y’all.
As in you can’t believe people start that late? I will never trade in my 7:00 am start time since I get to leave around 3:30.
Correct, and completely agree with your comment. I come in at 6:30 am because it lets me leave by 4 (9/80 schedule). A later start time would always be nice, but beating traffic on the way home is probably nicer.
Had a job that only let me work 9:30-6:00. Every goddamn thing in that town also closed at 6:00, so I had to take time off for anything that wasn’t a Wal-Mart grocery store trip, unpaid. Wouldn’t even allow me to work earlier or later to flex/cover time. Total scumfuck family business. New job and current 7:00-3:30 schedule is heaven on Earth.
Exactly. Mornings are going to be terrible no matter what time you start, but getting home with enough time left in the day to actually do things? 100% worth it.
In the morning if my face is a little puffy I’ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.