Well, it’s here. Fall has arrived in Chicago. The temperature is in the 60s, the leaves are changing, and I heard someone say, “sweater weather” for the first time. Fall is here, and I hate it. Everyone who claims this is their favorite season is either a liar or in denial due to where they live.
I’ve heard multiple Midwesterners talk about how they wouldn’t want to live in California because they’d “miss the seasons too much,” and I get it. Stockholm Syndrome is a real thing, and in this instance, the shitty weather of the Midwest is your captor who you’ve fallen in love with. I lived the first 23 years of my life in a climate that stayed above 70 degrees for most of the year, and at no point did I wish for more seasons. No Californian is wearing a t-shirt in January, bummed that it’s not three degrees and snowing outside. Everyone that claims to love winter, or even fall, is just lying to themselves to preserve their own sanity. Summer is the only season to enjoy, and if I had my way, it would be summer all year long.
Luckily, it seems as though my dreams may come true, courtesy of global warming. I don’t know if you guys have heard about this, but basically, we’re polluting this planet into a warmer temperature, and I am all for it. I’ve heard a lot of scientists and analysts (read: nerds) talk about how we’re destroying our planet and how global warming is a horrible thing we need to stop, and I couldn’t disagree more. We basically found a cheat code for the earth to increase our climate and make it summer all year long. How dope is that?
Think about it. Summer all year long. No more bulky winter coats you’re forced to drag with us to the bar, only to take it off as soon as you get indoors. No more scraping ice off your car when you’re running late for work; your fingers going numb on the scraper while icy snowflakes find their way down the back of your neck. No more pulling a muscle in your back desperately trying to flail your way out of slipping on ice. No more red faces. No more “winter weight.” No more winter. Just warm weather, tank tops, and day drinking the way the lord intended; in the sun.
Global warming is getting a bad rep nowadays, and I, for one, am sick of it. I’m tired of all these scientists working on a solution and trying to plunge us back into the cold weather we’ve been trapped in for so long. Every time I see a headline about this month being the “warmest recorded month in human history,” I laugh with joy. Every time I see a somber news anchor talk about how pollution is ruining this planet, I fist pump. I know there are negative side effects, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, they don’t outweigh the positive.
Yes, the ice caps are melting and polar bears are dying. That’s a bummer, but we have, like, ten other kinds of bears. When was the last time any of you saw a polar bear in the wild anyway? Exactly. Sure, parts of Florida will likely end up underwater, but I think I speak for the rest of America when I say: good. Florida is a disgusting state populated by fat tourists, meth heads, and Adonis-like Miamians that make me feel bad about my body. I think one state’s loss is worth it if the rest of us get to enjoy beach days in February. Will this earth become uninhabitable for future generations? Perhaps, but let’s be honest, this planet kind of blows. We’ve been on it for like 200,000 years, and I’m over it. If my grandkids have to live on Mars because of me, well, they’re welcome. Mars sounds extremely chill. Big fan of the red aesthetic.
I’m doing my part to further global warming, and I urge you all to do the same. I’ve been littering my face off. Sometimes I’ll buy something just because I know it’s packaged in Styrofoam and I can crumble it into chunks and let it float away into the breeze. I’ve spent more than my rent in gas this year just leaving my car running day in and day out, pumping the exhaust into the atmosphere. Rally with me, brothers and sisters, in the fight against cold weather. Up your carbon footprint. Drive instead of walking a block. Light some crude oil on fire if you can find any. Find a natural gas deposit and just crack that puppy open and walk away.
Anything to not have to deal with another fucking winter. .