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Fortnite is a video game craze that is taking over the world. My roommates play Fortnite everyday, not unlike the majority of our nation’s best and brightest young men. If you somehow don’t know what Fortnite is, it’s basically this massive multiplayer online game where you can make a squad with your friends and work together to kill other squads until you’re the last squad standing. Guys love it so much because we get to catch up with our boys in between shouting out the locations of resources and enemies. Plus it lets us scratch that competitive itch we all have while letting us get out all that pent up caveman anger we’ve accumulated over the day.
I’ve played a few times but by no means do I play religiously. I only realized how much other people were playing when I started seeing all of the memes of people playing it in the middle of a party, friendships being strained over poor play, and hordes and hordes of girlfriends absolutely livid from the neglect. That last one is what I wanted to focus on today because I witnessed one firsthand, and a guy in the party came through with a truly heads-up play and was able to record the whole thing.
My friend Doug was in a squad with his cousin and his cousin’s best friend when I decided to join them. We shoot the shit for a little and actually talk about how mad Doug’s girlfriend gets when he plays Fortnite. We all have a hearty chuckle about it when not 30 seconds later, the cousin’s friend’s wife busts in and starts scolding him for playing and we can all hear it over his microphone. The cousin is only set up to record him and his best friend so you can’t hear Doug or I out-of-breath laughing at the fight. I’m going to breakdown the exchange in the following paragraphs, so get ready for some analysis.
The video starts out with the Husband and Wife arguing. The other guy you hear is the cousin, but we’ll call him Guy. I replaced any names said with a little ducky noise to protect the victims’ identities.
You can watch the video here:
Husband: What’s your problem?
Wife: (audibly upset) I want you to go to bed!
Husband: I’m not going to bed so go away..
Guy: (to Doug and I) WAIT Listen listen listen listen! That’s *Husband’s* wife
Husband: No *Wife* get away
Husband: Get away!
Husband: (laughing) You’re not gonna turn off the fucking playstation!
At this point it doesn’t seem like anything too out of the ordinary – just a couple of 25 year olds who already sound like an old married couple. It was like 1 a.m. on a Thursday so it’s not unreasonable that someone’s wife was upset that her hubby hadn’t gone nye nye yet. He seems rather adamant that he’s going to keep playing though, so I assumed that the argument wouldn’t go on much longer. But this was my first time talking to them so I had no idea what the norm was in their household, and I’m not one to pry so I just kept gathering brick from the quarry.
Guy: HEY! Tell her No! Just tell her I said no.
Because if there’s anything a pissed off female wants to hear, it’s her husband’s best friend telling her what to do…
Husband: What is your FUCKING problem?? (items are knocked over) What is your problem? Why the Fuck are you hitting me??
Guy: Uh oh.
Wife: *labored groan*
Husband: Stop! Why the fuck are you hitting me.
Looks like she’s not going to go down without a literal fight. Fuck the patriarchy! At this time, I started to get the notion that this wasn’t their first fight over Fortnite.
Wife: Get OFF!!!
Husband: You’re mad because I don’t wanna go to bed?
Wife: No! Because you never —
And then the microphone cuts out because she managed to unplug it. We were all dying laughing when that happened. In the video you only hear the cousin but we were all going on about how we were JUST talking about S.O.’s getting angry at guys for playing Fortnite. Then, miraculously, the husband manages to plug the microphone back in.
Husband: Yeah, I’m a horrible husband. Go away!
Wife: (still upset) No!!
Husband: Go away.
Wife: (crying) No…
Guy: Can this be one of your bits, Lawrence?
He got my name wrong on that one. Doug told them that I was a comedian named Everett, and I’ll admit that my name is a bit uncommon. But come on man, “Lawrence”? And no, this can’t be one of my bits because it plays much better as a PGP article.
Husband: Why are you acting like this?
Wife: I’m asking you to meet simple needs-
Husband: Of going to bed?!
Wife: You’re gone all day, I’m gone all day, I never spend time with you (inaudible)
Now we get to the root of the problem. They both need to relieve stress after they each have a long day, but that’s where the disconnect lies. She wants to spend time with him possibly to talk about her day and vent, but he just wants to zone out and play video games. Both are completely normal ways of coping with stress, but it’s obvious that they don’t agree with me there and it’s causing some trouble in paradise. Let’s continue.
Husband: *Wife* you’re not going to be spending time with me when you’re asleep. You’re asleep…?
Wife: (inaudible) all the time! That’s all you do. That’s all you care about.
Husband: It’s not all I care about but why would- why-
Wife: You literally come into the room, after I tell you to get off, and you half-assed try to have sex with me and then you come back in here and play video games! That’s all you do!!
Damnnnnnn she just dropped the hammer. If Fortnite is better than sex, I definitely need to start playing more often. I’ve heard of whiskey dick, but never this. I think we should refer to Fortnite induced erectile dysfunction as a “Fully Tilted Tower” if you know what I mean. She put her husband in a bodybag, and now the internet knows about it.
Husband: Go to bed
Husband: Go to bed! Why are you doing this!
Big fan of his play here. There are two classic guy moves he utilized on his return volley. He first expertly laid down a very smooth diversion away from the argument being about his dick game, which is a battle guys will lose every time. Secondly, he did the go-to third-and-long play where you keep asking questions even though your girl told you exactly what was wrong. It’s a last ditch effort, but even the best defenses in the league give up those yards every now and then. Ladies, just remember to not take the bait and you will win every argument forever.
Wife: Get away from me!
Husband: You’re not gonna fucking break my Playstation AGAIN
I love the fact that he’s replaced his Playstation because it got destroyed in a huge fight about the SAME thing they’re fighting about right now. It’s like that episode of Black Mirror where the guy trapped in the house for 1,000 years keeps breaking the radio for playing this annoying song but every time it gets broken, a brand new one pops up playing the same song except it gets louder every time it’s replaced. Same exact scenario.
Wife: Get away from me!
Husband: (laughing) I’m not- I’m-
Guy: OH SHIT! She turned it off! She turned it off!
She finally got past his defensive pushing and to the machine and turned that thing off like Kacy Catanzaro maneuvering through the Ninja Warrior obstacle course and smashing that big button. After it was turned off, they probably had a nice, calm, and productive conversation about Fortnite and their relationship. The way he said that last line kind of sounded like he conceded defeat though. Stuttering like an engine cutting out from running on vapors. I don’t blame him though because we all know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That saying really can’t be more beautifully demonstrated than in this video.
I wanted to write about this because it really has become a palpable issue across the country. Relationships are tough enough as it is without all of this Fortnite kerfuffle. Fellas, if your girl is upset, it’s probably because she feels like she has to compete for your attention with a dumb video game. Ladies, we just like having guy time where we can all zone out and forget for a second about our jobs that we hate or how broke we are. In fact, guy time has been scientifically proven to improve our health. A study by Robin Dunbar at Oxford University confirmed that men with strong male friendships has stronger immune systems, more release of endorphins, an overall decrease in anxiety levels, and higher levels of generosity (though perhaps not when it comes to not playing Fortnite).
I want to help out. I mean, imagine if Elon Musk’s parents broke up over Fortnite. I know every case is different, but there must be a solution here. Does anyone have a success story where they reached a compromise? Or any horror stories about fighting with your SO about video games? Let me know what worked (or didn’t work) for you in the comments so I can help my new buddy out..