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At some point in your life, you’re going to have to ask for help. Whether it be asking your parents to pay one last cell phone bill, asking your best friend to help you move that 150-pound couch out of your college apartment, or asking your coworker to recommend a good dentist, it happens to all of us. We’re only human.
Sometimes, you’ll be in need of a roof over your head. Maybe you’re visiting for a weekend or perhaps you’ve completely changed cities and you need some help while you set up shop in your new town. This isn’t college, where you can just buy them a fifth of Congress Vodka and call it even. No. You’re going to be in their personal space, their home, which they pay for. It’s up to you to be a respectful little mooch and make your stay as pleasant as possible, because we’re all adults here.
Sleep
Make sure you ask your host(s) what time they usually wake up, and make sure that you’re up before then. It won’t be that hard, because it will be impossible to get more than six hours of sleep on their lumpy couch, anyway. If they offer their bed, decline it. They’re just doing it to be nice. If you’re sleeping in a guest bedroom, keep it clean and organized. You don’t want it to look like a clothes monster exploded everywhere.
Bathroom
Again, ask what time your host(s) usually like to shower in the morning so you can get in there and do your business before they need it. Don’t even think about cranking one out into one of their hand towels, either. You’re a guest in their home. This isn’t a Motel 6. Have some class and light a match after going number two.
Food
They will likely offer you everything that they have in their fridge and pantry. Any good host would. That doesn’t mean you get to eat all of their food like some gluttonous heathen. Stay away from the individually packaged stuff, leftovers, and anything that looks expensive. You will look like a gigantic idiot if they come home from a long day at work and you’ve eaten the chicken pot pie they bought for themselves to enjoy for dinner.
Sex
Tread lightly.
Length Of Stay
If you’re on vacation, no more than a week. After a few days you just become a nuisance. If you’ve moved into town and are crashing, no more than two or three weeks. There’s just no reason for you to be staying somewhere that you’re not paying rent for that long. Find an apartment or start staying in hotels if you can’t find a place. That’s like a full-blown mooch move. You’re an adult, support yourself like one.
Show Of Appreciation
Money or alcohol. Gratuitous amounts of alcohol. I’d recommend dropping at least a few sheckles on some high-end hooch or massive quantities of domesto beer. Alcohol is the currency of friendship. That’s why your friend hosted you in their home in the first place, because they knew the payoff was going to be an alcoholic Christmas when you finally left.
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TheChampionsTour
TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .
@TheChampsTour
Had one friend who came and visited after I bought a house. He upper decked the upstairs toilet on the first night, and currently still banned
“Alcohol is the currency of friendship.” I like it, and I’m stealing it.
Good to hear from you, Champ. I thought you were dead.