Columns

A 26-Year-Old’s Thoughts On 2017’s Most Popular Baby Names

lydia-winters-445361

I could not be further from becoming a father. I ate frozen corndogs and ice cream for every meal last Thursday, and the last pet I owned was a Betta Fish which I kept in an old Bacardi bottle. Basically, I’m barely more than a baby myself, and the thought of having a kid of my very own is, frankly, the most terrifying thing I can think of. But don’t worry. My lack of experience won’t stop me from judging the hell out of parents for their choice on baby names. Here are 2017’s Top Names, with my thoughts.

Girls

1. Emma

2. Olivia

Your daughter is going to basic as shit. Emma will probably get married right out of college to an insurance agent and have 2.5 kids and. Olivia will study in abroad, “fall in love with Paris” and talk insufferably about how she’s going to live there eventually, knowing full well she never will. In fact, I’m willing to bet the protagonist from TGDAG is an Olivia.

3. Ava

4. Sophia

5. Isabella

6. Mia

If you don’t have the genes to give your kid olive skin and supermodel cheekbones, don’t get cocky and use these names. Picture a woman with any of these names. She’s either Italian, Portuguese, or French, and she’s a stunner. If you look more like you spend date nights at Red Lobster than dine on a yacht anchored off a Greek island, don’t even think about one of these names. Stay in your lane, and name her something like Amelia or Charlotte.

7. Amelia

8. Charlotte

I think I’ve said everything I need to say about these names. Enjoy your biscuits.

9. Harper

10. Aria

Oh my god, your daughter is going to be so unique and artsy. Except she won’t, because within a few years, she’ll be just one of five Harpers in her kindergarten class, and three of them will be spelled differently. Shell probably grow up with an undeserved sense of entitlement and go on to be a failed photographer/blogger/Instagram model.

Also, congrats on naming your daughter after a Game of Thrones character, you weirdo. No one is fooled by the different spelling. If you’re going to be that guy, you should at least have picked a cooler name, like Melisandre or Missandei.

Boys

1. Liam

2. Noah

Your poor kid is going to get the shit bullied out of him. Why do you think Liam Neeson is such a badass? It’s because he’s been fighting since the first day he stepped foot onto the schoolyard, that’s why. And let’s be honest, your kid is not going to be Liam Neeson. Congrats on guaranteeing your child 12 years of teasing.

3. Logan

4. Lucas

Your son is going to bully the shit out of poor Liam and Noah, and he’ll never feel bad about it. Giving your kid either of these names is all but guaranteeing he’s going to be a psychopath. I hope one of you work from home because you’re going to be spending plenty of time in the principal’s office.

5. Mason

6. Ethan

I hope you live in the sticks, because your kid is a hillbilly through and through. Mason loves his diesel F-350 with smokestacks, and Ethan can skin a buck in under ten minutes (or whatever time is considered good, I had to Google “what do hunters do with deer” just to learn about skinning). If you live in a city, expect your kid to rebel against his name and become a super sensitive “artist.” Enjoy paying out the ass for a liberal arts college so your kid can be the most theatrically trained barista at Starbucks.

 7. Oliver

8. Elijah

Are you British? I can’t help but read these names in a British accent. Also, I’m not sure why but Oliver just sounds like the kind of kid that gets possessed by a demon. Maybe I’ve been watching too many horror movies. Keep your knives locked up.

 9. Aiden

Congrats on becoming a grandparent in 17 years! Your son is 100% going to knock up some girl named Harper and name the child something even more ridiculous. You’re going to be 58 with a granddaughter named Aimyseen (pronounced “amazing”).

 10. James

Solid pick. Your kid will be normal. He’ll make good friends, go to a decent college, get a good job, and marry a beautiful Italian girl named Sophia. Great job on securing your son’s future. You’re a good parent.

Email this to a friend

Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com

19 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More