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College football is right around the corner. No, really. It’s right around the corner, and it has a knife! Oh, God. It’s going to cut your heart right out of your chest cavity. Look out! Better get your game tight and your mind right. There’s nothing worse than being unprepared for the most hectic 12 Saturdays of the year. Your heart, soul, body, and liver are about to go through the ringer. Get ready.
Prepare For The Absolute Worst
I don’t care if your team is returning nine seniors on each side of the ball. You better prepare for each and every one of them to suffer some sort of season-ending injury in weeks one to four. The problem with high expectations is that they always fall short. Optimism is fools’ medicine. Your alma mater started off 6-0? Great. Prepare for the collapse. The worst is yet to come. Do not let your mind conjure up visions of January glory. Do not book plane tickets to Dallas. ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.
Plan Ahead
Alright, now that we’ve gotten the hellfire and brimstone out of the way, be sure you plan ahead. Wednesday of game week is the best day to start planning your game day activities. Make sure you and your friends engage in a lengthy, three-day, indecisive group text about your plans for the weekend. Make sure you suggest several different bars to watch the game at, then suddenly change your mind and tell everyone you’ll host them at your place on Saturday without telling your roommate. Be sure you don’t get beer or food. Just make sure everyone is in the same place and just go from there. If you’re traveling to campus for the game, just show up unannounced and worry about sleeping accommodations later.
Find A Trustworthy Bookie
There are plenty of sports betting websites that are trustworthy and reliable. Screw that. You want to live life on the edge. Find a guy who’s always wearing a trench coat and who also deals molly on the side. You’ll feel more obligated to pay up when you’re pretty sure your bookie has mafia ties. And mafia ties aren’t always a bad thing. Mafia ties mean flush with cash. Mafia ties mean this guy can actually pay up when you finally hit that big bet on the money line. You’re one big upset away from bankrolling yourself all the way to Bora Bora for the rest of your life. You’re also one big upset away from having your legs broken by a sledgehammer in the back of a 1978 Cadillac.
Always Have A #HotSportsTake Ready For Social Media
Ugh. Your coach with 100 career wins, two conference championships and a 5-2 bowl record blew it in the fourth quarter to a top 10 team AGAIN. He’s the worst: “Don’t know if [insert coach’s last name here] is the answer anymore. Time to blow it up. #done.” That really sends the message to your 72 followers that you are fed up. You demand more. Take to Facebook and watch the likes roll in after lambasting your head ball coach after he drops yet another rivalry game in overtime.
Know Everything There Is To Know About Your Redshirt Freshman Backup Quarterback
Nothing makes you sound more informed than knowing everything there is to know about the heir apparent under center. Make sure you’re ready to drop every single high school stat on that 19-year-old when your senior QB throws the first pick of the season. Who cares that the kid couldn’t throw a slant in spring ball or that his arm strength is comparable to Chris Leak’s? He’s 5 foot 10? You know who else was 5 foot 10? Doug Flutie. Look what happened to that guy.
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
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brianmcgannon
I can’t wait to get my hopes up again this year.
I took Friday off just to prepare. All my coworker’s took week-long vacations throughout the year. I am just taking 5 Friday’s off during the Football Season to make it up to the homeland. It’s tough explaining this to them, but someone’s gotta do it.