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If you clicked on this article hoping to find cutesy things like “The Best Beach Bag For Your Buck” or “Towels To Get Wet Over,” you’re in the wrong place. Sure, that stuff is important when dealing with the adorable side of summer, but when you’re dealing with the reality of summer, none of that crap will come in handy.
Here’s what will.
Baby Wipes
Yeah, I said it. Baby wipes. These glorious sheets of wet cleanliness are true lifesavers in the hottest of heat. Let’s face it–deodorant and eau de parfum can only go so far when it’s 95 degrees or hotter outside and you dared to bear the sun with your friends on an outdoor patio. I don’t care if you’re in the shade, you’re still sweating, and your deodorant is all like, “I’m melting! I’m melting! Oh, what a world!” This is where baby wipes come in. Use them on your pits, your back, hell, even your crotch. Summer is a no judgment zone when it comes to odors and sweat as far as I’m concerned.
A Handkerchief Or A Small Towel
For years, you assumed handkerchiefs were for old women or grandpas with gnarly coughs. But, this summer, watch as your world changes with something as small as a piece of fabric in your purse. Having something like this on hand for when your sweat is so bad that it’s literally dripping down your lady sideburns or gathering at the back of your neck to talk shit about you is imperative. With a handkerchief or a small towel, you can save your image by quickly blotting away at the sweat. Personally, I think blotting with cloth is a lot more attractive than taking out those anti-shine sheets like a teenager with cystic acne.
All White Everything
When it comes to heat, you can never have enough white. Not cute white stuff, either. No. I’m talking about buying multiples of the same white tank top to don all summer long. Find a cheap, white tank top you like, buy three of them, and watch in amazement as you continuously reach for them all summer, no matter the occasion. There is nothing simpler and more heat-repellent than a lightweight, pure, white top. It says “get away” but “come here” all at once. It’s like the indecisive flirt of summer clothing.
A Tumbler
No, not a Tumblr. I mean, if making a Tumblr site somehow helps you get through summer, then by all means, do it. But I’m talking about an actual tumbler cup you drink water out of. You may already have one of these, but if you do, I’d be willing to bet my firstborn that it’s not the massive size. Summer equals sun, which equals thirst, which equals loads of lazy people reaching for the closest refreshment, which typically isn’t water. However, if you invest in a large tumbler cup and make sure it’s constantly full of ice and water, you’ll be steps ahead of everyone else. It may not be the coolest looking drink vehicle out there, but it keeps your shit cold and is easily portable. Take it in the car, take it on a walk, take it in the backyard–wherever you take that sucker know that you’re preemptively putting an end to your otherwise imperative heatstroke.
Cocoa Butter Chapstick
Go to your local health foods store, grab a tube of cocoa butter Chapstick, apply it religiously for a week, and dare someone to not want to make out with you. Traditional Chapstick is for the winter, because it’s somehow heavier and not the right fit for hot summer days. Cocoa butter-based lip treatment is where it’s at. Lather that shit on and pucker the fuck up.
A Good Hat Or Hair Band
Make it a point to invest in some sort of headwear that’s going to hide the catastrophe that is your sweaty hairline. What? You don’t get a sweaty hairline? Then I hate you. For those of us who suffer from head sweat after being in the sun for more than five minutes, finding a great hat or an adorably distracting hair turban is essential to maintaining confidence and charm during the summer. Just, like, take it off before you get down with someone, because that’s just weird. No one wants to be known as the weird girl who keeps her hat on during sex. Unless he’s into that.
An “IDGAF” Attitude
Look, as long as you do what you can to not feel incredibly uncomfortable and self-conscious in the summer heat, you got this. Do what you need to do to not feel like a hairy, sweaty beast, and you’re already miles ahead of everyone else. Everyone sweats. Everyone smells (at some point). Everyone probably needs to shower three times a day during the summer, but we don’t. If someone is going to nix you because you’re not perfectly dry and put together when it’s 105 degrees outside, can you imagine that person ever holding your hair back when you vomit or changing your diaper when you’re old and decrepit? Yeah, I just went there.
Make summer your bitch.
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Emma G
Emma is a female with a vagina and, subsequently, often writes things other vaginas (and sometimes weiners) find super relatable. She is a 20something who loves eating, buying clothes she doesn't need, and wearing lipstick. You can find 4+ years of her rantings on her blog: www.emmasthing.com
@emmasthing
@emmasthing