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In case you’ve been living under a rock – or are just a horrible American – the World Cup kicks (Tips? First pitch? Face off?) off today at 4pm Eastern, 1pm Pacific. So for those of you in need of some help actually identifying our players, scroll down for the projected starting lineup for the US Men’s national team…oh, and their respective doppelgangers. Easier to remember who’s who this way:
Clint Dempsey/David Blaine
Regarded by many to be the key to US soccer hopes, starting forward Clint “Captain America” Dempsey will be leading our squad in our opener versus Ghana on Monday at 3pm Pacific time. Let’s hope he can work some magic like his celebrity lookalike David Blaine.
Tim Howard/Walter White
Starting goalie Tim “Heisenberg” Howard will be defending the US goal. Yeah Mr. White! Yeah, science!
Matt Besler/Ryan from “The O.C.”
Also on defense we have Matt Belser, also known as Ryan from “The O.C.” Damn, I miss that show.
Geoff Cameron/Ryan Lewis
Alongside Belser, be on the lookout for Geoff Cameron. He’ll be the one that resembles Macklemore’s sidekick Ryan Lewis.
Omar Gonzalez/Andy Samberg
Omar Gonzalez will be on defense as well. Andy Samberg might be a stretch if it weren’t for the similar nose sizes.
DaMarcus Beasley/Chris Tucker
DaMarcus Beasley will be playing left back, channeling his inner Chris Tucker from “Friday.”
Michael Bradley/Natalie Portman in “V for Vendetta”
Next up we got Michael Bradley at mid. He’s bald, and so is Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta.
Jermaine Jones/Chief Keef
Though a little more ‘tatted’ than 18 year-old rapper Chief Keef, Jermaine Jones will also be joining Michael Bradley at midfield. That’s that shit I do like.
Graham Zusi/Season Three Daario Naharis
I’ll be damned if you don’t see the resemblance between Graham Zusi (RM) and Daario Naharis from Game of Thrones. Hopefully Zusi is as dedicated to beating Ghana as Daario is to pleasing Daenerys Targaryen.
Kyle Beckerman/Evil DJ from “Zoolander”
Kyle Beckerman, a.k.a. the evil DJ from “Zoolander.” There’s no two ways about it: that hair is absolutely heinous.
Jozy Altidore/Kanye West
Last, but certainly not least, is Kanye West lookalike Jozy Altidore up front with Dempsey. Unlike Kanye, Altidore will only have tight spaces to score on, so let’s hope he can pull it off.
Respond
David Hoover
David Hoover (DHoov206) is a Seattle native who frequently pretends he is Macklemore's younger brother. He talks in the 3rd person because he's arrogant, and was once voluntarily questioned by the FBI in regards to something he tweeted. Gonzaga University alumnus of '13. (Well, he might be short a class but he's convinced no one actually checks for diplomas.)
@DHoov206
@DHoov206
Hahahaha this is great.
Side note: Clint Dempsey came to a July 3rd/4th party at my house two years ago back in college. Dude is as real as it gets and was just shooting the shit with all of us and talking soccer. Such an awesome guy. Stayed there raging until 4 AM. Got pics to prove.
prove it
Haha I don’t know how to post pics in the comments but I could email it. Or if someone wants to provide an explanation on how to do that.
I believe it. After all, he is the dude behind this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6Di8QT98Zk
We actually got him to freestyle, too. No shit.
Tim Howard = Common
Aron Johannsson = Kevin Bacon
^^YES!! Thank you!!
Tim Howard and Key from Key and Peele. Exact same person
We need more Black people on the team. I’d like to see us win like we do in everything else.
WTF is Soccer?