42 Signs You’ve Lost Your Last Shreds Of Self-Respect

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1. Shopping in the sale section…of the pharmacy.
2. Finding a plastic fork in your bed.
3. Actually meeting up with someone on Tinder who propositioned you with sex within two messages.
4. Not even making up an excuse for calling out of work.
5. Not answering work emails once you get home.
6. Taking public transportation when it would be faster to walk.
7. Ordering some sort of drop and or ‘pucker’ shot because it’s cheaper than everything else.
8. Hoarding food at your cube stolen from “Bagel Friday.”
9. Having an entire screen on your phone for dating and/or food apps.
10. Actually eating a TV dinner. (Disclaimer: if it’s a lean cuisine, you can maintain your dignity)
11. Calling your mom to ask how to thaw meat. Every time you cook.
12. Sweatpants and flip-flops. In public.
13. Wearing clearly wrinkled/stained clothing to work.
14. Leaving your number on the bar tab for your moderately attractive bartender.
15. Not being able to keep a plant alive.
16. Ordering enough takeout for the week’s lunches, and then eating it all in one night.
17. Stalking every one of your contacts “best friends” on Snapchat to figure out who’s hooking up with whom.
18. Having to google “when to use who vs. whom.”
19. Running out of basic necessities, like toilet paper.
20. Hooking up with your drug dealer/broker/someone who kind of works for you.
21. Looking at pictures of yourself from 2007 on Facebook while crying.
22. Buying a healthy amount of produce and then throwing most of it out because it goes bad.
23. Getting kicked out of a happy hour bar where the average age is 20 years older than your current age.
24. Crying in your cube.
25. Wearing Hawaiian shirts, unironically.
26. Not proof-reading e-mails to superiors.
27. Blacking out before 10pm.
28. Taking office supplies from work even though you have no purpose for them at home, just so you can have possessions.
29. Justifying an online shopping binge as a “gift to yourself.”
30. Cancelling your gym membership because you want to spend more money on food.
31. Waking up on the couch at (what you thought) was a potential hookup’s place.
32. Eating in your bed more than you eat at your table.
33. Having a panic attack when your parents change their HBOGo password.
34. Not even making the effort to use an incognito window for porn.
35. Using the Keurig machine instead of buying real coffee.
36. Only getting your haircut when someone says something.
37. Going on a $200 shopping spree for workout clothes, only to make it to the gym twice in the next three weeks.
38. Hoping your linked Spotify/SoundCloud accounts don’t show HOW MANY times you listen to the same song in a row.
39. Going to shows/concerts that are still 18+.
40. Refusing to go to any friend’s apartment if it’s higher than the third floor and a walk-up.
41. Taking an elevator when the floor is less than three flights up.
42. Avoiding doctors’ appointments because of the co-pay.

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Mary Swanson

Both a bitter and optimistic 24-year-old entry-level underachiever with 2-4 friends and 0 talents. Washed up is an understatement. I prefer almost all my food luke-warm, what does that say about me?

• @maryswansonPGP