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I don’t care what it is. Your business idea sucks. I’m telling you as neither a mentor or a friend, but as someone who got to witness an exclusive, truly once in a lifetime pitch to venture capitalists. Here’s what you can learn from the two masterminds behind Prestige Worldwide–wide–wide.
1. “When two partners always agree, one of them isn’t necessary.” – Dale Carnegie
Sure, every partnership is going to have some level of agreement, whether it’s a favorite dinosaur, a favorite non-pornographic magazine to jerk off to, or even the guy you’d date if you were a girl. These things are the glue that holds a strong partnership together. You don’t have time to bicker over the little things. Make more room for activities? Obviously. However, you always need to discuss the pros and cons of what road to take or you could end up licking white dog poop.
2. Pitch Perfect
If the guy who first pitched the idea of toilet paper stuttered and had pit stains, we’d probably shake each others’ poop hands like Neanderthals. Reel ‘em in with some showroom jazz. In fact, it’s best to interrupt your potential investors’ meals on their birthdays to present to them what they don’t even want. Dale and Brennan could’ve been thrown right off stage, but they lured in Derrick with a strong opener and a quality pitch.
3. Be Committed
Concept designs don’t do bad ideas justice. Since I’m assuming you don’t have a good one, having a product sample is essential. Give the people a taste of what they don’t want. Let investors know that if you could create this with no capital, to just imagine how you could waste their money. But always remember to explain why you need their money. For some reason, T&A isn’t a great answer–I mean T&E. How did Prestige Worldwide display their need for capital? They crashed a yacht and accumulated $80,000 in damages. That’s commitment.
4. Focus Areas
What separates you from the competition? When you start an international record label, your biggest rival is Jay-Z. I’ve heard he’s pretty okay at what he does. I wouldn’t call him the Walmart of music, because that’s a terrible way to describe him. How do you take down a monopoly? Start with research and development, of course. There’s no way Jigga Man’s experimenting with liquid paper and bees. Step two? Security. Boxers don’t go into the ring without their gloves, and neither does an entrepreneur. Black leather gloves are cool, safe, and secure. When you don’t have 99 problems, you can pay attention to detail.
5. Never Stop Asking For Money And Never Give Up
The Prestige Worldwide team put themselves in a position for success. However, for unknown and totally uncontrollable circumstances, no one invested. I mean, they crashed Dr. Doback’s yacht. His only hope at fixing it is investing the $10K and turning Prestige Worldwide into a successful record label. Don’t be afraid to push him down a staircase and insult his life’s accomplishments. Whatever it takes–never give up.
6. Give Up
You finally come to the expensive realization that your idea just isn’t good. Actually, let’s not sugarcoat it, princess. Your idea sucks. Don’t get down in the dumps–jump back on that corporate ladder. Pretty soon, you’ll be supervising the sweaty empanadas at the Catalina Wine Mixer. The fucking Catalina Wine Mixer. Wait for the right idea. Who knows, maybe it will be as simple as telling people who can’t sing they’re not allowed to partake in karaoke. If all else fails, get a job at Enterprise. I hear they have a great corporate structure.
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