======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Before I start, let me clarify something. I am by no means a Nebraskan. I didn’t grow up on a farm, I never ate corn three times a day, and I didn’t marry my second cousin on my mom’s side. If you had asked me a few years ago where Omaha was, I probably would’ve said Oklahoma, because that sounds like the kind of state a city named Omaha would be in. However, life and its unpredictable twists and turns took me to Nebraska, the home of Arbor Day, and I honestly can’t say I hate it. Hell, I may even say I enjoy it out here.
Lincoln, The Cornhuskers, And Memorial Stadium
Arguably one of the most hardcore college sports fan bases in the United States, the Huskers’ Sea of Red is the pride and joy of Nebraska. Memorial Stadium not only seats 92,000 fans these days, but it has sold out every damn game since November 1962. That’s an NCAA record, my friends. The tailgates are elaborate, the fans are the good kind of rowdy, and the foam corn hats are the absolute best headwear paraphernalia I have ever had the pleasure of wearing.
Booze
Lincoln and Omaha took no. 18 and no. 23 respectively on Business Insider’s “Most Hungover Cities in America of 2014.” If there’s anything Nebraska does not lack, it’s alcohol. Huskers won? Have a celebratory drink or four in the Haymarket. Huskers lost? Get back to the Old Market to drink away your sorrows. Not football season? Just pick up some vodka by the case at Costco and call it a day. Underage? The gas stations won’t card you for the airplane bottles on the counter next to the gum and Chapstick.
We Had Taco Bell Breakfast First
That’s right, chumps. Taco Bell chose Omaha to debut its breakfast menu back in August. Maybe it’s the perfect blend of working class citizens and a clear drinking problem, as I noted above. Maybe it’s the booming restaurant economy. Whatever the reason (and who even cares, really) Taco Bell entrusted a huge business decision to the humble hands of Nebraskans. What a freaking honor.
Council Bluffs Casinos Are Right Next Door
Because who doesn’t want to play slots with a few grandmothers tethered to oxygen tanks?
Fish Fries
During the Lenten weeks, Catholic churches across Nebraska draw in thousands of fish fryers whose sole goals are to go get hammered and eat mediocre food. The lines to enter these churches average two and a half hours or so, but that doesn’t matter because the parking lot is one giant tailgate. Every Friday, the parking lot of a church–which probably has an elementary school in it–turns into a rowdy, alcohol-infused tailgate. Pregames before a night at the bars turn into $5 pitchers of piss beer sold in the basement of churches. It is God’s way of giving us a glimpse of what heaven looks like, I assume.
Nebraska Is The Home Of The Hottest ’90s Babe
As a product of the ’90s, you either wanted to marry this woman or be her best friend. That’s right, Rebecca Donaldson from “Full House” hails from Valentine, Neb. Case closed.
Respond
Topanga
Topanga is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. Lover of red wine, mediocre gossip, and Corey's whipped ass.
@TopangaPGP
God bless you.
The things I’d do to Lori Loughlin back in the 90s.
The things I’d STILL do to Lori Loughlin today.
Not all Nebraskans are alcoholics and we don’t eat corn 3 times a day and we don’t marry our 2nd cousin our moms side your not from here so don’t talk about our community like that Nebraskan’s grow up to respect others and that includes their elders so as for the grandmothers in the casino is usually some one took there grandmother or mother out for a good time. We help others who need it and if it wasn’t for the farmers in Nebraska you wouldn’t have food seeing is how Nebraska is the number one state for agriculture thank you very much and we don’t go talking about your state like that so don’t do it about ours!!
DC isn’t a state though!
I played lacrosse for UNL. Nebraska- The good life.
I’m pretty sure that having Taco Bell breakfast first is actually a negative.
You forgot to mention that PepperJax in the Old Market is open until 3am.
I’m from Nebraska and four of the six things you have here were the first things that popped into my head when I read the title of your column. This is perfect. If you haven’t been, definitely get to the College World Series this year.
Your lead is disrespectful, misleading and uneducated, especially for a place you say you actually like. Most Nebraskans didn’t grow up on farms.
You don’t eat corn everyday? Most of the corn grown in Nebraska goes to cattle feed and making things like corn syrup, corn starch, etc. — things found in many of the foods and drinks consumed in this country. So while you don’t eat an ear of corn everyday — which Nebraska’s corn isn’t grown for — you most certainly do eat it everyday. As does the rest of the country, which farms support. The midwest literally supports the entire food infrastructure of the country. And most of it starts with corn.
And your comment about second cousins? Really? I mean really.
If you want to write an article about how a place really is great, don’t start off by marginalizing and insulting it.
Additionally, if you think Nebraska is great because of Taco Bell breakfast, alcohol and chicks from the ’90s, you are missing some really great experiences.
I like satire, too!
I swear some people lack any kind of sense of humor.
I mean, she could have talked about the excellent hunting and fishing but this is Post Grad Problems. Not Field and Stream.
You mentioned Counciltucky as a reason why Nebraska is great. Only in Nebraska would that happen.
Cheeseheads are better!