What You Tell Your Boss vs. What You Really Mean

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The relationship you have with your boss can be an interesting one. Depending on how close you two are, and the level of professionalism that’s required at your workplace, you may always have to be in “game face” mode around him or her. This can, and will, cause you to say all kinds of things you don’t mean. Here are some examples:

“I’ll get right on that.”
Let me finish looking at this tit gallery first.

“I see you gave the assignment to Eric. Good call. He’ll knock it out of the park.”
That overachieving brown-noser makes us all look bad.

“Yep, I emailed him this morning and then followed up with a phone call. Haven’t heard back yet.”
Shit, I totally forgot to email that guy.

“Love that tie, sir.”
Fuck that tie.

“Jamaica, huh? Beautiful. I hope you and the Mrs. have a wonderful vacation.”
I hope you and the Mrs. drown in Jamaica.

“I’ve got a lot on my plate today, sir.”
I look forward to doing nothing this afternoon except surfing the web for the raunchiest NSFW pics I can find.

“Sir, I see you asked Garrett in IT to block TheChive.com on all office computers. Good call, I’ve heard that website can be very distracting.”
You’re a goddamn communist.

“Consider it done.”
I have no idea what I’m doing.

“That’s a fancy new Porsche out there in the parking lot. I presume that’s yours, sir?”
This asshole won’t even buy American.

“That’s a beautiful fish, sir. Where’d you catch it?”
I’ve taken shits bigger than that fish.

“Of course I don’t mind staying late today. Whatever I can do to get ahead.”
I’ll stay late since you asked me to, but all I’m gonna do is look at tits on the internet for a couple hours.

“Was that your daughter I saw in here earlier? She’s stunning.”
Your daughter is ugly as hell.

“I can handle it, sir.”
I wonder if I can pass this on to Eric.

“I’m gonna play catch-up this weekend.”
I’m gonna drink until I can’t feel my face this weekend.

“Would you like to come to lunch with us today?”
Please don’t come to lunch with us today, because we plan on talking a lot of shit about you while we’re there.

“Did you see that Eric brought a sack lunch again today? Ha, gotta love that guy. He can be so frugal.”
Come on, Eric. What are you, fuckin’ 8 years old?

“Great call on hiring Amanda. I think she has a bright future here.”
Amanda has amazing tits.

“Just brewed a fresh pot of coffee. It’s French roast, just like you like it.”
If it wasn’t scalding hot, I’d dip my sack in your coffee every morning.

“New shirt? Lookin’ sharp.”
Fuck that shirt.

“Have you been working out?”
You have man tits.

“I’m grabbin’ a couple beers with Eric after work today.”
I wonder if I can get away with murdering Eric after work today.

“I’m on it.”
I’m not on it.

“I’ll have it on your desk my tomorrow morning.”
I’ll have my balls on your desk by tomorrow morning.

“Have a great 4th of July. It feels great to celebrate America, doesn’t it?”
I wonder if you’re going to be drinking alcohol by or on a body of water for the 4th. There’s at least a small chance you drown in there.

“I’ll see you Friday on July 5th. No rest for the weary!”
You un-American, communist prick. I’m not doing shit on Friday.

“Eric’s a valuable asset to the company.”
Fuck Eric.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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