Relationship Advice From People On The Internet Is The Worst Advice

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Today is Valentine’s Day–Hallmark’s equivalent to pissing into the overflowing porcelain chasm of the human spirit. As a resident of Earth, today, at some point, you’ll feel some type of longing or sadness–even if you have a companion. That’s just how it goes. There’s booze for this feeling, though, people! Some of you may lurk in the shadows of the Interwebs and seek the advice of some columnist/love evangelist/fortune teller/bitter ex who now claims to know the answers to your fractured love life in some article. These people are the problem. Their merit is on par with politicians quoting a sermon on the Mount–although, I would get a chuckle from hearing Senator John Edwards’ thoughts on relationships and love.

First of all, I want you to go back to your Google search history and look at what you’ve looked up. You can sort through the embarrassing maelstrom of trying to identify song lyrics or the names of particular porn stars with the unique melting popsicle tattoo over her anus–but that’s not what we’re looking for. What we’re looking for is a time when you may have Google searched for advice on a rough patch in your relationship.

If you’ve found it, keep reading this article. If you haven’t, and you’re still sorting through a myriad of searches like, “why is there so much blood on my toilet paper,” or “why isn’t my period here yet?” you may need to talk to someone with the proper credentials appropriate to handling your problems besides Google and the NSA.

Now, back to the matter at hand. First we must ask, “why?” Why did you feel the need to seek the advice of a total stranger on the Internet in order to decipher the madness of your relationship or your attempts of having one? And secondly, why do you care?

Let’s face the music. If you’re entering a relationship and expecting it to be all blowjobs and backrubs, you need to wake the hell up. If you don’t expect her to lose her mind every once in a while, then maybe you should reconsider your need for coitus to begin with and go rescue a dog instead.

And if you’re that desperate to find a companion, there are larger questions at hand. Instead of rescuing a poor, innocent dog, maybe you should start smaller and get a goldfish. They’re great listeners, and if you accidentally smother it to death, no one will notice if you replace it.

Obviously, the opposite gender will always be inconceivable to the other. Trying to parallax a way toward understanding morning wood or period cramps is just a waste of time. To seek the advice of some bitter and angst-riddled columnist seems like the opposite of productive.

Why are you trusting these people with molding your tactics to solving your romance woes? They know nothing about you or your relationship or your attempts to find one, and it’s safe to bet they’re writing about the opposite sex because they are trying to figure everything out, too. Also, let’s not forget the often sexist trend in these articles. Lines like, “men only think with their boners,” or “you shouldn’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die,” should give you a hint of who you’re dealing with. If you need me to spell it out for you, it’s underdeveloped plebeians who watched too much “Friends” as teenagers–they actually think that there is a soulmate waiting for them in the vast and empty universe.

If there is a soulmate for these people–their soulmate is most likely a life-sized, vibrating sex doll at their local adult boutique. She doesn’t speak, but her mouth is always open.

Anyway, you know the ins and outs of your life and the people you choose to bring in it. So instead of turning to these people of the Internet with your love qualms, go to the bar and get a beer or several. This, I’ve discovered, may be the meaning of life, sadly. There’s something to be said about the stoicism of a bartender who will tell you to suck it up over some love prophet of the Internet who is going to maybe tell you that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, or that the opposite sex is some type of allegorical animal.

Half of the time, the things that people write on the Internet is just self-inflated bullshit–a lot like this very advice article here. So if you care about someone, and there’s an issue at hand, trust yourself to figure it out. Or, find a love guru’s relationship advice article and start personally insulting this person in the comment section. In the end, life and relationships move in waves, everyone’s an asshole, and never, ever, trust any advice on the Internet. Happy Valentine’s Day nerds. We all die alone.

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MorganBalrog

Morgan Balog. 24. Starving writer. Half human. Half black hole.

• @MorganBALROG