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If you’ve been fired lately, condolences. Grab a handle of cheap liquor, some Totino’s pizzas, and update your resume on CareerBuilder and Monster. Search out some of these jobs and you’ll be back in the game in no time. Your job security should be airtight because let’s be honest, it’s next to impossible to get fired from these jobs.
MTV Programming Executive
MTV used to play music videos and be awesome, or so I’m told by older people. I don’t know what happened to the guy who used to schedule the programming, but I’d like to think he got caught blowing rails off some intern’s tits–the intern whose father owned the company. Since the glory days of “Yo! MTV Raps” and “Singled Out,” the network has inundated us with atrocities such as “Jersey Shore,” “Laguna Beach,” “Punk’d,” “Making the Band,” “Teen Mom,” “16 and Pregnant,” “Yo Momma,” and countless others. Hell, Andy Dick and Andy Milonakis both had their own show at one point. Need I say more?
Customer Service Representative for a Cable Company
I’m a Midwest guy, so fuck you, Mediacom. Time Warner Cable, Charter, Comcast, Century Link: you all can suck it, too. I imagine the people who get these jobs have to take one of those 150 question situation surveys, and if they answer too many questions logically, their application gets automatically rejected. Then, if they show up to the interview on time, they get bounced. I imagine the best way to get the job is by showing up in jeans, chewing gum throughout the interview, and constantly telling the interviewer to “hold up, hold up,” while responding to texts and updating Twitter. That’s just the mental image I have of everyone in those call centers. I could be totally wrong though.
Rental Associate at Enterprise Rent-a-Car
You know those commercials where the employee picks you up in a perfectly clean, brand new car and takes you to the rental office where you sign and drive? Well that’s not really how it works. If you use their pickup service, there are probably three other customers crammed into the car by the time they get to you. When you get to the office, you have to wait in a long line and when they show you to your car, the seats have stains on them. Most of the time, the car isn’t even size you reserved. But don’t worry, the rental associate will be all smiles and ready to “make it right” when you return from your journey. You may as well walk in without a reservation and blurt out, “I need the dirtiest car you have that nobody wanted, preferably one with an almost empty gas tank,” and you’ll probably get the same car you would have gotten if you had called ahead to make a reservation.
TSA Agent
If this one isn’t self-explanatory, you’re probably poor because you’ve never flown anywhere. Since September 11, these people were given carte blanche to have every cavity in your body searched if you raised an eyebrow the wrong way while reading a text in line. And they know it, too. If you’ve ever had something confiscated, the agents probably kept it. If it was liquor, they definitely drank it. Ever been “randomly selected” for further screening? If you have a skin tone darker than butterscotch, or you’re an attractive female, it wasn’t a coincidence. Either they think you’re a terrorist, or they want to see your tatas on the x-ray screen. Don’t believe me? Google “Jason Harrington TSA agent.” Shit’s fucked up, man.
Any Governent Job Ever
Ever been to a post office or the DMV? They are models of inefficiency. Have you ever waited in line to pay court fees? How long does it take to stamp my form, take my check, and print the receipt? Those are child’s play compared to jobs involving public office. I’m from Illinois, Honest Abe’s state – as well as the state that produced a slew of corrupt governors. However, the people working on Capitol Hill or in the West Wing take it to a whole other level. It seems like there’s always someone getting busted for tapping their foot in the stall of the airport bathroom, or a White House aid being found in the Potomac. Okay, the second example may have been from an episode of “Scandal,” but you get my point. Problems just disappear, and pretty much everyone keeps his or her job.
Respond
Mayor of Toronto