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Once again, the worst run tech company ever is in the news, this time for a hacking incident where 4.6 million usernames and phone numbers were leaked to a website called SnapchatDB.info, which offered a downloadable version of the data with a little help section for douchebag hackers on how they can use this data, which said, “You are downloading 4.6 million users’ phone number information, along with their usernames. People tend to use the same username around the web so you can use this information to find phone number information associated with Facebook and Twitter accounts, or simply to figure out the phone numbers of people you wish to get in touch with.” Of course, had Snapchat sold itself to Facebook or Google, they’d be laughing all the way to the bank with billions of dollars while someone else had to deal with this problem. Now, we head back to the Snapchat office to see Snapchat’s CEO deal with this issue as gracefully as he can.
Front Desk
CEO: *Tries to duck Tammy by walking by her quickly with his head turned away*
Tammy: Sir, the phones are ringing off the hook. I have several messages for you. You also have several letters from venture capital firm attorneys threatening to sue you for mismanagement of the company.
CEO: Tammy, what did I tell you about letters from attorneys?
Tammy: Put them in my special inbox.
CEO: And what is your special inbox?
Tammy: The paper shredder, sir.
CEO: Then put those letters in your special inbox like I told you. Do I have to fucking hold your hand for everything? *Starts walking away*
Tammy: S…sir, don’t you want your messages?
CEO: DAMMIT TAMMY! I have a million dollar original bottle of Shackelton’s whiskey waiting for me in my office and I’m about to down it like a college freshman with a $10 bottle of bottom shelf crap. Mark Zuckerberg got my hacked Snapchat info and sent me a picture of his bare ass. I am in no fucking mood for messages.
Tammy: I understand, sir, but shouldn’t you address all these messages about the status of the hacking incident? It doesn’t make us look good.
CEO: Tammy, just don’t answer the phone anymore and bring me a cup of coffee.
Tammy: Black or with cream and sugar?
CEO: TAMMY! How long have you worked here? I like my coffee like Courtney Love—full of cream, drugs, and liquor.
Accounting
CEO: *Walks in holding a glass of Shackelton’s whiskey* Hey Ralph, you’re my money guy. Give me some good news.
Ralph: Well sir, about a million dollars disappeared from the bank account this past weekend and I’m trying to find out where it went. Do you know anything about that, sir? The investors are going to want to know where that money went.
CEO: *Takes a big gulp of Shackelton’s whiskey and pauses* …I have no idea. Keep looking into that.
Ralph: Are you drinking?
CEO: Who brought the fucking smart guy? Of course I am. It’s really good shit, too. I need you to help me deal with this hacking shit. What’s our PR budget?
Ralph: Shouldn’t we also be putting money into tightening up security for user data?
CEO: Fuck the users. A good PR campaign is just what we need to reassure people that everything is under control and, more importantly, get big money buyers back in the mix.
Ralph: I’m not sure technical problems are going to drive the price up, sir.
CEO: Ralph, did you seriously fucking talk back to me? Get to work on that PR budget or I’ll get office security to hold you down, shave your head, and fucking water board you.
Sales
CEO: Jim, have you made any progress on quoting ad space for our potential revenue model?
Jim: Well sir, after the 4.6 million usernames and numbers were leaked, everyone wants a re-quote for a lower ad rate. They said if those people stop using the app the ad space is less valuable.
CEO: *Throws back his 5th double whiskey of the day like a shot and breaks the glass on the ground* DAMMIT JIM, YOU’VE GOT TO PLAY HARDBALL WITH THESE ASSHOLES. GROW A PAIR.
Jim: Are you okay, sir? You’re slurring your words.
CEO: JIM, DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB, AND I WON’T TELL YOU HOW TO PAINT YOUR FUCKING NAILS AND WATCH CAT VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE ALL DAY. QUOTE THESE FUCKERS HIGH OR I’LL DO TO YOU WHAT I’M GOING TO DO TO RALPH.
Tech Department
CEO: BOB, I’M GOING TO TEAR YOUR NUTS OFF AND FEED THEM TO FRAN. HOW THE SHIT DID THIS HACK HAPPEN.
Bob: I…I’m sorry sir. You asked me to devote my time to tracking snap counts, fixing bugs, and working on the “gift” purchasing model.
CEO: Well getting hacked is a pretty fucking big bug, dickhead, don’t you think?
Bob: You told me “fuck the users” when I asked if I could work on a security update for user data.
CEO: You must love the taste of pencils, Bob.
Bob: P-please don’t, sir. I promise I’ll fix this so our used data is never compromised again.
CEO: Fuck the users. I’m just going to tell the users we are working with law enforcement on it. Have you started putting in my gift ideas?
Bob: Yes sir. I’ve already added the image of the Dos Equis guy with your face instead of his and the picture of you on a million dollar bill. $0.99 each.
CEO: Well at least there’s some good news. That pencil better be gone by the time I get back.
Marketing
CEO: Fran, I need you to put together a PR campaign that doesn’t suck as much as you do.
Fran: I’ve been working on it, sir. I’m going to get TechCrunch and major news outlets to report we are tracking down the hackers and improving security.
CEO: Fran, I don’t tell you this enough, but you are a damn good liar. Well fucking done. Lying is the backbone of any good business.
Fran: Thank you, sir.
CEO: Don’t ask for a fucking raise, though.
Fran: Sir?
CEO: I’m serious. That free compliment was worth its weight in gold. Now get to work on some more creative PR ideas before I lose my temper.
R&D
CEO: *Stumbles into R&D holding the bottle of Shackelton’s whiskey* Steve, fucking fuck.
Steve: I’m sorry, sir?
CEO: I just sent Zuckerberg a snap of my ballsack.
Steve: Are you okay, sir?
CEO: Do you wanna…wanna try this shit?
Steve: Are you sure, sir? I’m trying to work on better security for user data.
CEO: Fuck the users. Try this shit, it’s awesome.
Steve: If you say so, sir. *Takes a sip from the bottle*
CEO: STEVE! DON’T FUCKING DRINK ON THE JOB.
Steve: But sir, you…
CEO: It’s unprofessional. You’re not an airline pilot.
Steve: Sir…
CEO: Just do…some… *Passes out on the floor*
Respond
@5OClockShadow_
Regardless of the fact that I’m an Archer fan-boy, the CEO does remind me a lot of him.
Did you make up that Courtney Love joke all by yourself? Definitely made me chuckle.
All me.
I don’t get it.
LinkedIn had 6.46 million passwords leaked in June 2012 – They’re doing alright.
Snapchat leaked phone numbers that can potentially be traced to a username, that’s it. I think you guys might be a little bit confused.
You must be a big hit at parties.
Probably more a faction of having friends who are able to read and comprehend a simple press release.
Sorry dude, I guess I’m not as sweet as you are. Apparently, I didn’t find this column to be as hilarious or relevant as you did. Being a moron isn’t a big hit amongst my friends.
>Insert previous comment here< Maybe next time try focusing your unmatched intellectual acumen on something other than stating the obvious in the driest way imaginable. Off you go grasshopper.
Get ’em.
I think you need to get a sense of humor before reading a column on a humor/entertainment website.
Haha, I have a sense of humor buddy, I’m just telling you that it wasn’t funny regardless of being factually inaccurate.
I’m pretty sure your name isn’t real.
Looks like David’s the big winner – Tad Allagash is a fictional character from Bright Lights Big City.
^ Bro do you even lift ??
Eh.