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We’ve all attended a wedding or two (or ten) since graduating. And even though they are a night of absolute debauchery, there’s a reason you should postpone taking the leap until at least 35 because you’re just not ready. Actually there are 35 reasons. You know the age old saying, “You could either marry a 23-year-old now, or you could marry a 23-year-old in ten years…and if you’re lucky you can marry another in 20 years.” At least that’s what my friend Dale says. He’s a sick puppy, but damn it if it isn’t the truth.
- You haven’t started balding.
- You still blackout occasionally.
- You like your roommates.
- You like living alone.
- You still drink cheap beer out of plastic cups.
- You’re not ready to sacrifice MNF for the Kardashians.
- You’re not ready to sacrifice anything for the Kardashians.
- DFMOs are awesome.
- You are in an entry-level job.
- With promising growth potential.
- Spending three months’ salary on a ring would literally cause you to starve.
- You don’t mind eating strictly out of a microwave.
- You can’t afford to buy an extra Christmas gift.
- Or birthday.
- Or Valentine’s Day.
- Or anniversary.
- This list is starting to sound expensive to you.
- It’s one step closer to having kids.
- Remember that screaming baby on the airplane when you were hungover?
- The last book you read was a Harry Potter book.
- You get nervous when someone watches you play Madden.
- Your Madden-playing days are far from over.
- Brunch regularly turns into Sunday Funday.
- You’re not ready to say goodbye to Thursday happy hour.
- You haven’t given up on your hot neighbor.
- It’s better to strike out than retire from the game.
- You still haven’t figured out how your 401k works.
- You bought your last suit at Joseph A. Bank.
- Girls who are half-your-age plus seven are still too young to drink.
- The only retirement savings you have is a $25 US Treasury bond from your grandma that you can’t cash in until you turn 30.
- You still find college freshmen attractive.
- Your best days aren’t behind you.
- You still think farts are funny.
- You’re not ready to sacrifice the bathroom sink.
- You still sleep in a twin bed.
Click to read “10 Reasons Why Marrying Young Will Benefit You”
Respond
freshman will always be attractive
this is what i’m afraid of.
I get older and they stay the same age….
who says sunday funday or Thirsty Thursday or anything fun stops after marriage?
DFMOs are definitely awesome.
marry me.
Depends on your NFL team
Does that necessarily end after marriage, though?
It doesn’t have to be. You have to keep it lighthearted and fun at times. There’s always role play…
Well then grab yourself some damn costumes.
#6 Would be brutal!
Dale gets it.
Dale is a legend.
Who the fuck DOESN’T find farts funny?
Lyke my status if you had to Google DFMO
I didn’t know there was an acronym for vodka fueled make out sessions. Now I do.
Is there an acronym for when a girl pop drops and locks it a little too hard right into your crotch causing you to heave your gum into her hair, thereby forcing you to casually walk away? If there is, I would like to know what to title my book.
#29 hits hard.
#35 is killing me. Especially since it technically belongs to my ex’s parents.
And you frequented it? What does that say about your standards? If someone doesn’t have at least a queen or has a roommate (and they’re not in college) they need to grow the fuck up.
Frequented what? I borrowed from his parents basement when I moved out of our apartment. YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Except that you have a twin bed… $750, sack up. http://www.costco.com/Pacifica-Queen-Bed.product.100004268.html
roast.