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For those of you who are unaware, Pinterest is an accumulation of “boards” otherwise known as categorized pages where you “pin” images you like. Basically you’re living in your own delusions of grandeur while perusing and judging other boards, i.e. other people’s thinly veiled fantasies. That’s exactly why this social sharing site is popular. You can live vicariously through discovered images of products, ideals and situations you desperately want but can’t afford or achieve. The best part? You don’t even have to leave the warm, inviting glow of your computer screen or bed to enjoy it. Hell, you don’t even have to be wearing pants.
Although I like to think of myself as a career-driven woman with a Manhattan attitude towards cooking (read: scared of my oven), even I can’t resist the artfully displayed quinoa recipes and Breakfast at Tiffany’s stills. Holly Golightly will always be my favorite high-end hooker.
However, most of the “fun” DIY articles on there are complete wastes of time. They’re pathetic, shoddy attempts at producing something that can be easily bought and look a hell of a lot better. Time is sacred as it’s the only entity we have a finite amount of, so don’t waste yours creating bastardizations of towel racks.
Instead, put the ‘buy’ back in ‘DIY’ and retake your life from the clutches of disappointed housewives and postgrad sorority girls desperate for another shot to drink cheap chardonnay while using glitter without discretion.
The following are a list of DIY concepts you should avoid on Pinterest, along with a much faster way to amend or alleviate the gourd-less situation at hand.
Pinterest Project One: Create an organic, all-purpose cleaning solutions
The Realistic Solution – Let’s face it, throwing that glass of merlot at your boyfriend and watching it shatter against the wall for emphasis wasn’t your best moment. Just because you had been day drinking to ‘The Notebook’ and he hadn’t texted you back all day while Noah wrote 365 letters to his love is never a good excuse. Simply purchase one of those magic erasers that works on walls and avoid eye contact/completely gloss over your instability for the next two days until it’s neglected in normal conversation yet not forgotten.
Pinterest Project Two: Trying to create a “grow your own spare liver” kit
The Realistic Solution — Have you seen The Island? Pay some organization to clone you and then their harvest its organs when all those years of cheese and gin-laden happy hours have turned you kidneys into something less useful than a paper weight.
Pinterest Project Three: Farm to table gardening projects
The Realistic Solution — Trying to grow your own stilted herb garden or, God forbid, joining a co-op, is like punching your ancestors in the face. They toiled in farms, non-recreational herb gardens, and shops so that future generations could go to Trader Joe’s and indulge in free samples and Instagram their farmer’s market adventure. We live in a country of opportunity and leisure; act like it or consider yourself a communist.
Pinterest Project Four: Do something with all those mason jars you have lying around
The Realistic Solution — Here’s a handy tip: don’t. While it may be quaint and cutesy to have a “down home” vibe by turning them into drinking glasses, vases and storage, we get paychecks for a reason. At the end of a long day, you don’t want to be caught drinking straight gin out of a damn Smuckers jar. Make a proper G&T with your silver-plated bar kit you got on sale from Williams-Sonoma and feel like a real adult. After nine hours of staring at Excel, you certainly deserve it.
Pinterest Project Five: Creating any sort of seasonal wreath
The Realistic Solution — No one wants to bang any one with a seasonal wreath hanging on their door. No one. We’re not living in the suburbs (yet), and if you want to make your walk-up apartment feel more welcoming, then you clearly missed the “stranger danger” part of grade school.
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sarahsolfails
Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."
@urbanJAP
@sarahsolfails
This was solid. I would read the worst pinterest project of the week column if you had one.
“No one wants to bang any one with a seasonal wreath hanging on their door. No one.”
Thank you for reminding me of this. I almost fell in to the rabbit hole with that one.
I hate to be ‘that guy’ (I secretly LOVE it), but the spelling and grammar errors in here made me sad.
Fuck you, the mason jars from the pasta sauce everyone purchases at costco save me at least 20 trips to the fridge on Sunday while I’m curled up in the fetal position and shaking in the cardboard box I call my home.