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1. Subject: Patty Postgrad has tagged 3 photos of you | From: Facebook
Uh-oh. There’s no way this ends well. It’s Monday morning, you’re still hungover from Saturday night, and the last thing you need is a flashback to a night that’s fuzzy at its best moments. In fact, you don’t even remember anyone taking pictures. You don’t even remember seeing Patty Postgrad. The last thing you recall is taking the shots you bought for a group of girls who couldn’t understand what you were slurring. Of course, this is two days after you finally accepted that weird HR guy, Jerry’s, friend request. Now you’re on a race to re-erase these events from your life before Jerry tries to review the company’s professionalism standards with you…again.
2. Subject: Your AutoPay reminder | From: American Express
It’s that time of month again. If you’re financially responsible, you’ve been checking in all month on your piling credit and know how financially irresponsible you’ve been. For the financially ignorant, this is the worst surprise of the month. You don’t remember going to Chipotle 14 times the last four weeks. Oh yeah, you decided it was a good idea to buy five dollar Fireball shots for every touchdown your alma mater scored rather than take advantage of the dollar well tequila special. You’ll spend about three hours convincing yourself this will be the month you start saving some of that hard-earned paycheck. But let’s be honest, Chipotle is calling your name for lunch.
3. Subject: Order Shipment Notification | From: Amazon.com
You must be more hungover than you thought, because you just looked at your credit card bill and completely missed this. Apparently on Sunday morning at 2:43am you purchased season three of that show you’ve never seen, which also happens to be on Netflix. The only bright side to this is that it’ll be arriving today at your apartment because you paid extra for overnight shipping. At least you know what you’ll be doing after work.
4. Subject: Deal Alert! Pay 50% less for a limited time | From: Match.com
Oh, man. How did they get your email? It’s like you needed just one more reminder that you’re single. If I wanted that I would just call my grandmother. On top of that, at this point in the morning you’ve realized you don’t have the money to take someone out on a date even if you wanted to. Well, maybe if you sacrificed the guacamole in your burrito bowl for a couple of weeks, but they say you’re not supposed to sacrifice happiness for love.
5. Subject: GMAT Question of the Day | From: Kaplan
You thought your head hurt when you woke up earlier this morning, but now you’re looking at this low level, basic geometry question and it feels like Thor is hitting you with his hammer. This is a great reminder you haven’t opened that GMAT Prep book in three weeks and that at this point you would be lucky to pass an IQ test. You used to be good at math, yet today you can’t remember the area formula for a triangle. There’s a classroom of 14 year olds somewhere that would consider this problem a walk in the park.
6. Subject: Let’s Talk | From: Jerry in HR
“I saw some interesting pictures of you on the internet this morning. Let’s set up a time to chat today.”
Well, shit.
Respond
“This is a great reminder you haven’t opened that GMAT Prep book in three weeks and that at this point you would be lucky to pass an IQ test.”
Ugh, this
“You’ll spend about three hours convincing yourself this will be the month you start saving some of that hard-earned paycheck. But let’s be honest, Chipotle is calling your name for lunch.”
Damn, Chipotle. Also, guac is worth the extra $2
I spring for guac everytime.