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After years on your own during the school year and even during the summer, no one involved is particularly happy about you moving home as a postgrad. You do it because you can’t afford not to. Your parents allow it because part of them still loves you.
Still, a lot has changed in the 4-5 years since the last time you lived at home full-time. Even though they are letting you live there to help, you are NOT happy about it and there are plenty of ways to make your dissatisfaction known.
1. Ask to be woken up.
Being drug out of bed every morning by your mother was a regular occurrence in high school. In college, you quickly learn that waking up is your responsibility, and that unless you have a roommate that really hates your alarm, you’re on your own. However, now that you’re back at home, why worry about sleeping in? If you have to be up earlier than normal for work, just ask your parents. They’ll be happy to help.
2. Wake up in the shower.
Also, when you do get out of bed, you should definitely put off waking up until you’re in the shower. Your parents have been used to paying the water bill for years, and between the laundry, dishes, grass watering, and other showers, your half-hour morning sessions are really only a marginal increase. If your mom or dad showers after you, there is even a greater incentive here. Make sure your shower is sufficiently hot.
3. Order tons of movies on-demand.
The cable bill is something your parents have on direct deposit, right? When you’re not watching entire seasons of shows via your parents’ Netflix account every weekend, feel free to catch up on the movies you’ve been missing via the cable box. A couple of $3.99 charges for HD movies you would never watch if you had to pay for them yourself isn’t going to hurt anybody, or even be noticed when the bill is already that expensive, right?
4. Gorge on the leftovers.
No matter if you’re fishing out all of the meatballs from the sauce, eating only the icing off the leftover birthday cake, or drinking all the milk the night before your mom sits down to cereal for breakfast, college taught you that if it is in the fridge and unmarked, it is fair game. Sorry, Mom, I didn’t see your name written on that carton! Sorry, Dad, there was no tape with “NOT FOR ROGER!” on the Tupperware!
5. Let them handle the dishes.
Whether you buy and make your own food or sit down to family dinners, there is usually an expectation at home that dishes get cleaned immediately if not soon after the meal is over. In college, they usually sat in the dishwasher or the sink until you needed something, but parents typically have a different philosophy on dish washing. Let them know that your philosophy is “If you want it done now, you can do it yourself,” because you’re an adult. Your after-dinner food coma nap time is sacred and your professor taught you that two people can have conflicting opinions without one of them having to be wrong.
6. Do laundry nonchalantly.
You can definitely help out with laundry, however. Living at home can be sweet because you no longer have to wait until a hungover Sunday morning once a month to camp out at a boiling hot laundromat with a backpack full of quarters and wash your clothes all at once. Leave your clothes in the washer until you’re ready. Take your parents’ load out of the dryer and leave it in a pile on top when you’re ready to use it. If you’re really feeling ambitious, throw your colors in with their whites and do it all at once. It saves water and shows how helpful you are.
7. Bring various people over to hook up.
“We’re going out of town for the weekend, honey. Please don’t have anyone over,” is pretty much permission to turn your parents’ house into a veritable love shack and you have a lot of rooms to desecrate. Come on, everyone knows what’s up. Don’t let your parents’ lack of a travel schedule ruin your sex life though – invite randoms over to hook up in your room or your basement even if your parents are in the living room watching television. More often than not, these are going to have to be dramatically younger girls who won’t judge you for living at home. Don’t hate the player, Mom and Dad, hate the game.
8. Drink all of their booze.
In college, your liquor cabinet was typically called “the refrigerator” and was usually full of Natty Light and Crown Russe vodka. At home, it’s not only an actual cabinet, but also a wine refrigerator, a freezer, and a garage beer fridge as well. Does your dad buy a 30 rack of craft beer bottles for the month? Crush it in an evening and show your pops how to drink. Does your mom buy expensive wine to “enjoy” and reseal it after a glass or two? Don’t you dare leave a wounded soldier behind. Liquor that costs more for one bottle than your car payment? Chug it or rip shots. Your parents are boring. Teach them how to live a little.
9. Spend tons of money.
Just because you can’t afford that $1,000 rent plus utilities every month doesn’t mean you’re broke. After all, you have a full time job. Don’t be afraid to treat yourself from time to time, taking trips to visit people and getting everything you buy delivered home via Amazon Prime. You’re suffering and depressed at home – you deserve designer clothes and a 50-inch TV.
10. Ignore adult living conventions.
Don’t feel like making your bed? Putting your clothes in a hamper? Showering daily? You are your own person and no longer have to obey their archaic rules. Part of being an adult is standing up for yourself and not blindly following suggestions. Just because something is placed in the stairs doesn’t mean I’m supposed to know to take it up, Mom. Just because you pile things on my bed doesn’t mean I’m supposed to know to put them away, Dad. Use your words, guys. Grow up a little.
Your parents aren’t going to like you at home regardless. Trying for their sake is simply going to stress you out more. They’re going to “joke” about kicking you out, ask you continuously how work is going and if you’ve gotten a raise yet, and question most decisions you make, large and small, but really they know that it’s their fault to begin with.
Want me to live on my own, Mom and Dad? Let me be an adult and pay for my rent until I find a job.
Respond
@RogerSterlingUS
I don’t live at home, but when I go visit I manage to do every single one of those things, right down to the movies in demand and hooking up in all 3 vacant bedrooms.
#8 works the best, in my experience.
You forgot the most important one:
Never express any intention of moving out.
You hit the spot with #7. No shame whatsoever.
Oh hello there
My parent’s place or your parent’s place? Ha.
It depends…what day of the week do your parents go grocery shopping?
The folks shop on Mondays but work on weekends. Let’s get you to Baltimore 😉
I like your style
So, your folks are letting to stay at home while you get on your feet and you’re going to screw with them? Yeah, that’s real smart. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean you have to be a dick. If my kids acted like that when I offered some kindness, their ass would hit the bricks.
I’m going to be nice because I’m assuming you’re in the army and I respect that more than I can possibly describe, but this is a humor site. While I suppose that I write some serious things from time to time, this is not anywhere near one of them.
My bad. I may have taken it a little too serious. It’s monday and I’m still struggling to get past what happened to my Horns in saturday night. I’ll re-read it when I’m in a better frame of mind.
Hah, no worries. Rumor is you might get Saban, if that makes you feel any better
If Mack goes at the end of the year, I could see Saban looking west. If he gets #3 in a row this year, I’ll think he’ll be ready to move on. He likes challenges. Texas is a good team with plenty of potential. They are a head coach and a solid defensive coordinator away from being deadly.