The Worst People In Your Fantasy Football League

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Finally, the NFL season is upon us. With it comes fantasy football, and with fantasy football comes every annoying bastard in your fantasy football league. My God, how you loathe that generic bunch of losers. Without further ado, here they are…

The Guy That Never Pays On Time

This jackass wouldn’t pay his league fee on time if his life depended on it. You only let him draft on the condition that he’d get his dues in by the end of the week, and he failed. Next thing you know, it’s week six and you’re still begging him to write a check or send money via PayPal. What a fucking cheapskate. Whoever wins your league will end up having to drive to his house and beat the money out of him.

Things he says:

“Dude, you know I’m good for it. Chill out!”
“I’ll get it to you on Monday! Don’t get your panties in a bunch!”

The Moron That Always Forgets To Set His Lineup

It’s Sunday morning, and this guy still has three players in his starting lineup that are on their bye week, as well as a tight end that broke his leg two weeks ago, a quarterback that’s a game time decision, and an empty slot at kicker. Your league’s entire message board is filled with people telling him to get his shit together and go fuck himself, but it’s no good. This happens again and again throughout the season, and eventually you have to consider not inviting him back next year.

Things he says:

“I overslept. My bad, guys.”
“I forgot Gronkowski was hurt.”

The Jackass That Is Always Proposing Absurd Trades

You want to trade me Larry Fitzgerald for Aaron Rodgers and Jamaal Charles? That seems totally reasonable. This guy is either a dumbass and honestly doesn’t understand, or he’s just a jackass who thinks fucking around with totally illogical trade offers is hilarious. Either way, it gets annoying after the third time he offers you his kicker for one of your starting running backs.

Things he says:

“I just sent you another trade offer. This one is legit though.”
“It makes us both better, bro. What’s not to like? At least consider it!”

The Pathetic Tool That Sets His Lineup Based Solely On ESPN’s Projections

In life, there are leaders and there are followers. The same applies in fantasy football. This guy is a follower, through and through. If whatever website your league has chosen to operate on didn’t put up point projections each week, he would be totally lost. This is the kind of moron that starts Lance Moore over Victor Cruz simply because he doesn’t know any better. He is a mindless sheep.

Things he says:

“Well, Cutler was projected to have more points.”

The Sicko That Has A Totally Inappropriate Team Name

Everyone likes a good, inappropriate fantasy football team name, but this guy takes it way too far. Year after year, he names his team something wildly offensive, probably related to abortion, drug use, or extreme racism. He thinks it’s hilarious, but nobody else is laughing. More likely than not, he has set a pornographic photo as his team logo. This is the kind of guy that hits on his waiter at Hooters and calls her “sugar tits.” It’s a given that he is totally inappropriate on the smack board as well.

Things he says:

“I’m gonna fuck you in the ass this week.”
“Check out this photo of two chicks getting nailed by a donkey and a chimpanzee.”

The Clown That Drafts The Best Players From Years Ago

This guy is a few years behind everyone else. For one reason or another, he can’t adapt to the ever-changing landscape of talent in the NFL. If it was the year 2010, he’d easily make the playoffs in your league, and might even compete for the trophy, but it’s not the year 2010. It’s 2013, and this guy’s team is old garbage.

Things he says:

“How the hell did I manage to grab Steven Jackson in the third round? What a steal!”
“Has Donovan McNabb been drafted yet?”

The Whiner Who Claims He’d Be Dominating If Your League Used Yahoo! Instead Of ESPN

The grass is always greener on the other side. This guy lives by that motto. Your league uses ESPN, and he uses that as an excuse for every single one of his problems. No matter what website we use, your team would still be awful, you whiny dipshit.

Things he says:

“ESPN sucks dicks. We should be on Yahoo!”
“Maybe I would have a chance if the interface wasn’t so complicated.”

The Loser That Won’t Stop Talking About How He Won The Championship In 1998

This guy won your league once, over a decade ago, and won’t shut the fuck up about it. It’s his only real source of shit-talking power, and he uses it whenever he gets the chance. He refers to himself as “the champ,” and treats every other member of your league like a lower class of human being. It doesn’t matter if he never wins again. That one trophy was enough to convince him that he is a fantasy football god.

Things he says:

“I hope you’re ready to face the champ this week.”
“Remember when I won in 1998? Holy shit, I’m so good at this.”

The Dickhead That Posts Self-Made “Power Rankings” On The League Board

Who the hell does this guy think he is? Week after week, he publishes his own “power rankings” of every team in your league, and he is always near the top of the list, regardless of how poorly his team is performing. For some reason he considers himself qualified to pass judgment on you, and that makes you want to murder his family.

Things he says:

“Oh yeah? Well wait till you see how low you are on the power rankings this week!”
“New power rankings are up. I’m number one. Again.”

The Doofus That Gets His Totally Unoriginal Team Name From Google

Over Dwayne Bowe? You’re trying to pass that off as original? My Vick In A Box? We all know you’re getting these off the internet. They’ve been used for years. Not Too Schauby? Are you kidding me? No self respecting man should be using a name he pulled from a website after Googling “fantasy football team names.” Get creative, doofus.

Things he says:

“Did you see my team name this year? Tell me how funny I am.”

The Idiot Savant That Somehow Dominates

This guy has an IQ lower than Vince Young, but somehow manages to win. He’s the moron who unknowingly picked up Doug Martin last year, and rode him all the way to the championship. You’re legitimately concerned that he might have some kind of mental disability, and then he scores twice as many points as your team when you face-off against him.

Things he says:

“How do I move people from my bench to the starting lineup?”
“How does the waiver wire work?

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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