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New year, new you? Perhaps not. If you were really serious about making changes, they probably would’ve already been made, wouldn’t they? If this was going to be the year you read more, got in better shape, drank less, and volunteered more, why wouldn’t you have started it in 2018?
Even if you had a good reason, the inconvenience of the holidays and the ability to make a fresh start when everyone is done socializing and has retreated to their homes for most of January, most resolutions fall by the wayside well before the end of wintertime. We’re creatures of habit, and while thinking about being a fit, sober, successful and hardworking person is nice when we’re hungover in bed regretting every decision leading up to that moment, the day-to-day of that lifestyle isn’t as fun as being a regular person that skips the gym for happy hour now and then.
Don’t set yourself up for failure this year; make realistic, accomplishable goals that will help you feel better about yourself. Here’s what I’m suggesting.
1. Stop going to the gym. Life is a hamster wheel and if you don’t take some time off from self-improvement, you’ll never be satisfied. Take a year to set yourself back, decrease the improvements you’ve made over time and allow 2019 to be the year you move forward. This year, take that membership money, spend it at Arby’s, and avoid full-length mirrors.
2. Save less money. Most people give cliché advice about saving for your future and putting money away for a rainy day, etc, but it’s nonsense. Why is your future self more deserving of your hard-earned money. If that money is worth saving so you can spend it later on, it’s worth spending now. After all, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed so neither should your financial security be. Lastly, there is no greater incentive to work hard than constantly being broke and living paycheck to paycheck, so saving money makes you lazy.
3. Procrastinate more. Accomplishing tasks is on the of most satisfying experiences one can have. How about having some patience this year? Instead of blowing all those satisfaction endorphins at once as you blow through your to-do list, space it out. Take out the trash every other month. Make your bed only when you have houseguests. Do your laundry, but don’t just fold it right away, wait until it all gets wrinkled and you look like you peeled your clothes out of a Pringles can.
4. Avoid self-reflection. Happiness, success, and peace-of-mind only matter if you take the time to realize you’ve attained such things. If you avoid spending time alone, none of that matters. You can live whatever life you want, be whoever you’d like to be and not have to deal with any of the consequences of being a terrible, selfish person. Personally, I recommend using social media and fake friends to stay distracted.
Cheers to the New Year, and best of luck on your resolutions. .
Respond
I know this was supposed to be funny, but I felt that the delivery was weak.
The ‘tent has definitely been lacking lately…Dave and Dorn died for this??
I’ll agree but also I know I’ve personally been calling it in at my job since December 21 and people in glass houses.
I’m glad people try to get fit for the new year but I’m not looking forward to my already crowded gym being over crowded with resolutioners who are only going to atick with it for a week.
Now these are some resolutions I can manage
I’ve already been avoiding mirrors. Just cant cancel the membership so I pay for my sparse attendance. Although that leads right into #2. I certainly am saving less money by paying membership to a gym I sometimes attend that’s down the street from my free gym at work.
Done x4