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I have a question, and I need an answer. A lot of my friends have recently gotten married, and aside from realizing my calling in life is to be a professional groomsman a la Kevin Hart in The Wedding Ringer or whatever the movie is called, it’s made me think about the logistics of a honeymoon. These things are typically one to two weeks long. Just the two of them. That’s insane. At what point do you just run out of things to say?
Let’s say it’s day one. You got married last night, spent most of the day sleeping intermittently on a flight and stumbling around an airport with an emotional hangover from the supposed best day of your life and whatnot the day prior. You get to the location — some resort, probably — and settle into a nice dinner. Fifteen minutes of talking about how nice the place is and how good your food is before it feels like you can relax. You’re obviously comfortable with your life partner by now, seeing as you just committed to them, but maybe there are some nerves regarding the recent shift in relationship status, so things feel a tiny bit off. Not a bad off, just off. Whatever. You focus on the food. When you get back to your place and are done talking about how nice the view is, you’re both tired and want to toss on a movie and fall asleep halfway through, but you feel pressure to not be lame and boring so you force conversation and go to bed early, albeit a little stressed.
Breakfast in bed is nice, and of course, it prompts the standard conversation about how nice everything is, but you’re so sick of that trite conversation that it feels almost surreal, like you’re not even saying the words, they’re just involuntarily coming out of your mouth. It really is nice, though, you can’t lie. By the time you’re at the beach with your newly bloated body, the sugar rush from your French toast is settling in and you really just want to lay on a lawn chair and grab a Pina Colada. You do that, and bring a book. Realistically, you can’t make it through a chapter because of the way technology has ruined your attention span, so you turn to the so-called love of your life and ask them about their book. They make up something to sound intelligent because they’ve hardly cracked it open and don’t remember anything, but they’re still in the habit of pretending to be better than they are to you, and of course these habits are difficult to unlearn.
You survive the first full day of the honeymoon and go through your routine, perfunctory intimacy and all. The silence is your favorite part; the anxiety at the thought of what is supposed to be the best time of your life feeling like a chore and the implications of that is the worst. A blessing comes through; you received the first portion of wedding photos from your overpriced photographer. After dismissing the nagging voice inside your head screaming that the money you spent on that one day will never be justified and reminisce on your beautiful day. The photos not only provide conversation to get you through breakfast, but also segue your focus into all the friends and family you’d just been entertaining for the previous week, and your stupid little stories about them serve as conversational fodder for the rest of the afternoon.
But it’s only day three. And I don’t know how you spend a week with someone you love. If you hated them, fine. You can fight, you can ignore, you can do your own thing. But if you love them and want to be your best self around them, how do you make it through a week without separating to go hang out with your own friends or even just be by yourself?
I mean I could just ask the aforementioned friends who have gotten married recently, but if they don’t read my articles, then they’re not really my friends anyway. .
Respond
Even for humor or satire, this was beyond dumb. I had hope for PGP but now that Will is (obviously) gone without a word, this is the end.
PGP’s articles have become like small talk: they’ll keep your attention occupied for five minutes, but you’ll leave thinking that you just wasted your time.
Agree about the article….but wait, what? About will? I think he’s just on Christmas vacation. He tweeted something about no Sunday scaries podcast this week and they tweeted to catch up on TGDAG. Did I miss something else? I mostly only come back for Will’s stuff now…
As far as the article goes, OP is overthinking it.
As far as your sentiment OP, PGP is really phoning it in lately.
I kinda like Nick. He still contributes huh?
I had a ball gag on most of my honeymoon. Took a lot of pressure off conversation
Honeymoon doesn’t automatically mean tropical resort, the wife and I went to Ireland, rented a car and traveled the whole country for two weeks for our honeymoon. Absolutely unforgettable experience, although driving for 2-4 hours every other day in the classic tiny European car on the other side of the road was a royal pain in the ass.
This article needs more sexy time.
Also, leaving the day after the wedding is a rookie move; get married Saturday, go on Honeymoon Monday.
100%. The level of exhaustion after our wedding was shocking. No one needs to get on a plane that way. Also for the love of god don’t come home the day before you go back to work. Give yourself a day or two at home to come back down to earth.
Where are you going on vacation that provides no fodder for conversation? use your honeymoon to go see the world! It doesn’t have to be spent poolside. Our honeymoon and subsequent solo couple vacations are a great chance to reconnect when the demands of everyday life don’t leave us enough down time together. If you’re not anxiously awaiting the chance to spend some 1:1 time with your better half, you’re not with the right person.
I know this is a joke but it also gives me a little anxiety. Can any married folks comment on this?
It’s ridiculous and a honeymoon (should) be the best week+ of your life. If not you married the wrong person
Yup. This article is what would happen if you went on a honeymoon with a drunken hookup.
Completely agree with 19th Hole. We could (and have) spent every minute all day together for a week+ and never get sick of each other. That doesn’t mean we talk every minute, but we’re comfortable with silence or just doing our own thing and don’t feel the need to “be our best self” or impress each other. If you’re getting sick of each other or you’re not comfortable enough to be your true self, you married the wrong person. It’s cliche as fuck, but you gotta marry your best friend and life will be grand.
Not a honeymoon, but went to aruba for 7 days with the long term girlfriend this past summer. Had surprise minor surgery days before so couldn’t do anything extreme or go in the ocean. 7 days poolside, in bed by 11 was the best week of my life. We both read books, streamed sports, had intercourse, did almost nothing really. Awesome time.
Agreed. Our honeymoon kicked ass and we enjoyed every minute of it. Whether it was relaxing by the pool/ocean or doing some activity, it was amazing. We didn’t do anything grande or extravagant, just a nice resort on the beach in the Caribbean.
also agree with 19th.
This is not a joke. You need to marry your best friend but with a prenup because human greed intrinsically seeps in later in life especially when boredom and the idea of greener pastures becomes abundant through the veneer of ego. Protect yourself now and thank yourself later because you can only trust people to a certain point and then they will ultimately prove your suppressed paranoid feelings right when the situation is convenient for them to do so. The idea is to be a meta married person and realize the fallibility of humanity upfront and capitalize on the weakness in the form of monetary value because that’s literally the only thing that makes this retarded engine continue to oscillate. Guys, everything is a lie so just love your truth or whatever American Eagle uses as their next marketing slogan lol