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When I walked through the doors to my office this morning, hair wet from the snow, red-faced from the howling winds, I thought one thing and one thing only: “God I can’t wait to eat my salad for lunch.” I knew exactly what I needed to get my freezing body through the day, and it was cold lettuce and low-cal dressing. Something that would both warm me up and make me happy.
Obviously, I’m being sarcastic. My salad fucking sucked. Despite my attempts to stay healthy over the winter, salad SZN has passed. It’s officially big boy weather, and we’re done eating anything that doesn’t fill our bellies with warm goodness and makes these horrible next six months tolerable. Here’s what’s on the menu:
9. Porridge
Porridge. Oatmeal. Cream of wheat. Whatever you want to call it, it sucks. It’s either bland, or has so much sugar in it you’ll get a cavity on your first spoonful. It’s way too dense to be a good breakfast, and it looks the same coming out as it does going in. No thanks. I like to know when I’ve digested my food. The one thing it does have going for it, however, is that it’s warm. A thick bowl of porridge may not be exciting, or even enjoyable, but shit, at least it’ll warm you up. It’s the token “cold weather meal” of breakfast foods.
8. Clam Chowder
I know this is where I’m going to lose a lot of you, but clam chowder just isn’t that good. I don’t know if it’s because I was raised keeping Kosher and didn’t try it until I was already an adult with fully-formed food opinions, but I just can’t get into it. Clams, like most seafood, are gross. Creamy soups are gross. Therefore, via the transitive property (the only one I remember), clam chowder is gross. Fight me, New Englanders.
7. European Soups
Now we’re getting to the good stuff. Chicken noodle. Minestrone. Some hearty butternut squash. Hell yeah. There’s a variety for every palette, and not only will these soups warm you up, they’ll delight your taste buds. Also, they can range in lightness from “this is a nice appetizer to my actual meal” to “this bowl holds three days’ worth of calories,” so there are options for every eating situation.
6. Asian Soups
Sorry, Europe. Your soups are good, but goddamn does Asia take it to another level. Thai coconut milk soup. Pho. Ramen. And of course, the GOAT. Hot and sour soup. Not only are these broths hot, temperature-wise, they can also be hot, spice-wise. Extremely hot, spice-wise, in fact. One time I drunkenly asked for my coconut milk soup “as spicy as you guys would eat it” to my Thai waitress, and I don’t think my mouth has been the same since. This may not be the most filling option, but nothing will get you warmer when it’s sub-zero outside.
5. Lasagna
Oh, you wanted something more filling? Lasagna will fill you up, physically, emotionally, and dare I say, even sexually? No, I dare not. I take it back. I went too far. Anyway, Lasagna is basically hot pasta cake, and as much as I regret saying those three words in that order, it is delicious. Italian food is good for the soul.
4. Stew
Now we’re getting somewhere. While I’ve talked my shit about Northern European food in the past, what it lacks in flavor and spice it makes up for in heartiness and warmth. A good stew should both leave you in a food coma and give you second-degree burns in your mouth when you gamble on a red potato and lose. When you need to walk six goddamn blocks to the bars because Ubers prices are surging, only stew will give you the energy to do so.
3. Hot Apple Pie
I don’t even know what to say here. If you’re not already sold on the idea of warm apple pie on a snowy night, I’m not even mad, I’m genuinely worried about you. It’s toasty, tasty, and sweet, and the perfect thing to end your night with as you watch snowflakes delicately flutter past your windowsill. Maybe winter isn’t so bad after all.
2. Chili
I was wrong. Fuck winter. Apple pie is nice and all around the holidays, but now we’re into the true heart of the season. I’m talking negative temperatures in January. I’m talking trudging through brown snow all of February. There are no more pretty lights and presents to distract you from the harsh reality of winter. You need something filling, hot, and maybe even a bit spicy. Something that will stop you from getting frostbite and give you something to look forward to so you don’t end it all in mid-March when there’s still snow on the ground. That’s right – chili. The greatest cold-weather food that’s ever been invented. Make it sweet, make it smoky, I don’t care. As long as you’re not a psycho that puts it on top of spaghetti, you can make it any damn way you please. There’s no topping this meal.
1. Chili in a bread bowl
The meal may be un-toppable, but there are certainly improvements to be made with the dish it’s served in. Namely, you could make it out of the more food. Chili in a bread bowl is how the lord apologizes for making winter exist. Every time I go snowboarding, we stop at the lodge for lunch and I pound one of these, bowl and all. Have I ever shat my pants whilst on a ski lift? What a strange question, and one I will not be answering.
Good luck to you all this winter. I will be getting as fat as possible, and I urge you all to do the same. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Seafood is all gross? Wrong.
But the best winter food is tomato bisque and a gooey grilled cheese to dip it into.
Whomever downvoted this has no soul.
Gotta have that GC with texas toast or otherwise thicc bread.
I get some thick cut brioche from the bakery in the grocery, and melt some good cheese like Alton Brown’s recipe, it’s fantastic.
That was an arousing statement.
This has nothing to do with this article but I HOUSED 5 hotdogs at the Rams game last night. Not proud of it but also not NOT proud.
This is the content I need from someone with a username as strong as new boot goofin
If oatmeal gives you diarrhea, you might want to see your GI doc. Something aint right in your insides.
Hot and sour over both ramen and pho is a bold, bold take, sir.
Any Chicago readers should make the trip up to Little Saigon for some authentic pho this winter. There are about a dozen different vietnamese restaurants right off the Argyle red line, most of which are fantastic. A big bowl of Pho is around $9 and they’re all BYOB, and you should definitely order some vietnamese coffee to go with it.
My favorites:
Nha Hang Viet Nam- small family vibe with amazing broth. The 8-year-old son is always either doing homework, playing on his Switch, or bringing out your water depending on the day of the week.
Pho 777- Every table has a printed out picture of Obama and Anthony Bourdain eating Banh Mi in Saigon. The picture is actually an ipad screenshot of a google search for “obama banh mi saigon” which for some reason makes it that much more charming. Great food too.
Tank Noodle- The biggest and most approachable vietnamese restaurant, while still being fairly authentic. You can make reservations, even for Friday nights with big groups. I’ve brought Mojito ingredients minus mint and lime which come as pho fixings and turned this into a pretty lit pregame.
This was a beautiful review and though I want to visit Chicago one day but probably will forget your recommendations if I ever do visit, I appreciate the hell out of this. Thank you.
If you live anywhere with access to good Mexican food, pozole and menudo are excellent in the winter.
Menudo aka cow gut soup? Absolutely not.
alright we going to have one of those beans vs no beans arguments here or what
Team Beans- I need all the protein available when the winter winds whip across the Northeast.
#teamnobeans
#TeamBeans, even though I’m from Texas so I catch heat for it all the time, but its just more filling and the added texture differential is a nice addition to the meal.
I am also a #TeamBeans Texan. We have to stay strong amidst all the naysayers, amigo.
chili should most heavily feature two ingredients: chili peppers and beef. Beans are for weirdos.
“Have I ever shat my pants whilst on a ski lift? What a strange question, and one I will not be answering.”
This is art.
If you’re from Texas or any other state where you can get your hands on authentic Mexican food, pozole with shots of mezcal before, tamales, menudo for that hangover, barbacoa, buñelos, churros, bolillos with sugar and butter.
I was told it was Oatmeal SZN though…
Jambalaya underrated cold weather comfort food.