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Dear Dog,
For the purposes of this letter, I’m just going to assume that you can read. At this point nothing would surprise me about your species. Metaphorically speaking, humans have been sucking dogs dicks in 2018 more so than they have in the past. It’s worship on a level we’ve only seen with Jesus of Nazareth. At this point well over a billion memes have been made referring to you as “puppers” and “doggos.” The articles regarding a dogs inherent greatness are at an all time high. I get it. Dogs are fucking great. With all of this going on is it really so crazy to think that you can read? The answer is no.
If I learned anything from the Internet, it’s that you’re supposed to believe everything that gets posted, and since the Internet tells me that dogs are the greatest thing ever created and that we don’t deserve you on this planet I’m going to believe it (at least for the purposes of this letter). I’ve come around on dogs in the past year or so. I used to really dislike them. Now it’s more indifference than anything. Hell, I’ve been known to sit on the same couch as a dog in my day. Maybe even give one a pet or two.
I don’t have a problem with your species. You and I can coexist on this planet as long you stay a few feet away from me at all times as I am extremely allergic.
I don’t have the time or the need for a dog myself (even if it is hypoallergenic), but I get the attraction between human and canine. I understand that some people need an animal like you to fill a void in their life and that’s all well and good.
I’m not here this morning to shit on your entire species. I’m really not. But you- you sniffling, beady eyed, giant ear having, long haired Cavalier King Charles Spaniel who lives a few feet below me can fuck right off. I see you perched in your street-facing window every morning as I leave for work and my heart fills with hate. You look unkempt, bored, and believe or not I can actually smell you from the hallway.
Some of this isn’t your fault, okay? I know your parents. I mean I don’t know them, know them, but we’ve met. They’re cold, rude, and don’t seem to be very personable.
I’ve talked with them only a handful of times – hell, when I first moved in I brought a six pack of beer to their door and introduced myself, extending those beers as a sign of goodwill and what did I get in return? Other than a slammed door in my face, a quick, curt “Thanks for the beer” and a limp wristed handshake.
I know you can’t bathe yourself – you’re a fucking dog after all. You shed hair (or at least I think you do) and if your owners refuse to bathe you or clean up the hair that you leave all over their apartment there’s nothing you can do about that. Your apartment smells like a dirty sock and if that’s how your owners want to live their life then fine.
Again, you’re a dog. Not all of this is your fault. But I am begging you. I am literally typing this letter on my hands and knees asking you politely to please, for the love of everything that is holy – PLEASE STOP BARKING.
That’s all you fucking do. You start promptly at 6:00 a.m. every morning. I lay in my bed, listening to that bullshit for an hour while I try to get one last remaining hour of sleep before I’m forced to go into work. I thought I lived a meaningless existence but you might have me there. I almost feel bad for you. Keyword is almost. I don’t think your owners are the best caretakers. But you don’t pay rent in this building. I do. Could you hold off on the barking until 7:15 a.m. or so when I’m already up and in the shower? Is that really so much to ask?
Truth be told I wouldn’t be writing you this long winded letter if it was just the barking in the morning. I understand that as a simple minded creature beneath the standing of mortals like myself, you can’t help yourself when you see another canine roaming the street outside with their owner.
The real kicker – the reason I’ve decided to write this letter this morning is because about a week ago the barking began during the evening hours as well. From about 7 to 10 pm every night for the last week, you’ve been barking your mangy little head off with no regard for me or the Ken Burns documentary I’ve been trying to re-watch about Baseball.
Every time I think your barking has ceased, it starts right up again a few seconds later which is really the worst thing about it. It’d be one thing if it was non-stop incessant barking, but what you do is stop for about ten second increments, which gives me a glimmering hope that you’ve keeled over and died perched atop your fluffy iron throne that sits in the window sill. That is never the case, as the barking just starts back up again after you’ve mustered enough strength in that tiny little body to get a few more screams out.
I’m at my wits end here. Most moments I spend in my apartment are spent listening to your barking and I can’t take it anymore. I haven’t contacted the landlord yet because I’m not a fucking narc but if this barking continues during the hours that I’m home you’ll leave me no choice. Just stop barking at night. You can keep doing it in the morning as long as it’s after 7:00 a.m. Those are my demands. And fuck you.
Sincerely,
John.
Image via Youtube
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
You know who wanted a dog? Dillon’s son, The Homie. But Madison had to go full Grandex Grinch on his precious little Christmas by putting a pink slip in his stocking.
T’s & P’s to Dave & Randy as well.
We are sad!
Thanks for asking Dave. Tonight we’re having some friends over and recreating one of the dishes from Salt Fat Acid Heat. Really excited because we made it one time before and it was delicious.
Will be doing a little French Bistro in Los Feliz for din din, and then up to the Griffith Observatory for wine and the S.O. getting an IG off. Then it’s down to Anaheim, land of angels, for my buddy’s bands show at the House of Blues at 9. Highly encourage anyone in the area to attend.
Miss you David.
Best,
JG
🙁
Hi. I’m Sarah McLachlan. Will you be an angel for a helpless animal? Every day innocent animals owners are laid off from Grandex. And they are crying out for help. Help Randy today by calling 1-800-HELP-RANDY
Looks like Madison is going for a quantity over quality approach to end the week #lowbudgetPGP #neverforget
I don’t give a sweet and sour fuck about your neighbors stupid dog.
I care about the fact that one of my favorite sites just laid off one of my favorite people on said site.
You should talk to your neighbors about this if possible, and suggest coming together to stop the madness (strength in numbers). Citronella collars work wonders – the device is attached to the dog and when the dog barks, it shoots a little spritz of citronella into the air. A majority of dogs for some reason hate citronella and they eventually learn that when they bark, they get a big whiff of the stuff, correlate the two, and stop barking. You and your neighbors could all pitch in to buy one together ($40-$70) or leave a note on your neighbors door signed from everyone.
I understand your sentiments. I love a well trained dog. Our generation somehow convinced themselves they can train a dog by themselves while working 40 hours a week, and subsequently end up with an obnoxious, poorly trained dog; I do not like these dogs. To any readers, do not be one of these people – get an old dog from the pound that’s already trained who just wants to sleep in your apartment.
fully agree about poorly trained dogs sucking but it has nothing to do with working 40 hours per week, it has to do with being too lazy and uncommitted to train the dog before/after work and on weekends.
I don’t doubt there’s committed owners out there who successfully made it happen but its hard to make good habits stick when the dog can do whatever it wants for 8+ hours a day while the owner is at work. And leaving a dog in a kennel for 8+ hours a day is fucked.
Im not sure exactly what kind of alternative you’d suggest, not all dogs are old pound dogs that just want to sleep. Should you only get a dog if you don’t have a job? Downvote me for how insensitive this sounds, but puppies sleep a fuck ton and if you tire them out I don’t see the problem with them being crated for a day. All they do is nap haha. It’s obviously ideal to have time to go home during lunch and again, I agree with your original point, just not sure the alternative you’d suggest? I’d just say if you’re getting a dog you’re basically getting a second job and if you don’t want that, don’t get a dog.
When I said neighbors in the first sentence, I meant all the other neighbors who most likely share your feelings. Not the ungrateful, spaniel-owning neighbors.
Moved from the burbs to the NYC area 2 months ago. The pup wasn’t a fan to start. She would bark all day (allegedly). So we got a camera for the appt and adjusted our approach. Ended up closing the blinds so she couldn’t see all the people walking by. Also put on some white noise for her to drown out whatever sounds she wasnt fond of. We give her a frozen kong with peanut butter when we leave. She now is occupied by the kong for about an hour, then sleeps for 8 hours when me and or the SO return. No more complaints.
I agree with being a responsible dog owner. I travel a lot for work and can’t properly car for and train a dog. And I can’t manage to find a nice young lady that has a dog so I can pretend I have one. So I’m forced to be the favorite of all the dogs in my building because I give them more than a head pat in passing. Full on body rubs and belly pats (for the dogs) from the guy in #2.
Agreed with taking action instead of taking to the internet, but based on the six pack anecdote the owners clearly have no consideration for the people around them.
“Cause I lost my job two weeks before Christmas…” – Rodriguez
Great fucking song.
if the dog keeps barking like that at all hours you might wanna call someone cause your neighbors are probably dead.
I share your sentiments duda. I used to have neighbors in my building who owned a massive dog and he would shed all over the hallway and even once tore up my welcome mat. They would never clean up his mess. Finally they moved out two weeks ago. I’ve never been happier.
Oh so you live above Madison