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Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: A Coach, A Captain And A Princess

by Oct 29, 2018
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Before we get to the sarcasm, let me be serious for a minute. It was a really fucked up week, with mailbombs being sent to past Presidents and government officials and a mass shooting of people in the one place in the world we should all feel safe – a place of worship. Sure, we can make jokes (I mean, did you see that guy’s van? The jokes write themselves) but what’s more important in this particular moment is that we remember, no matter what our political party or religious affiliation, we’re all just people trying to get through the day. Sure, we’re people with different beliefs and values and ideals, but at the end of the day, if we want to live in a world that we aren’t afraid to open our mailboxes or go to church, we all have a responsibility to check ourselves when dealing with those that may think differently than we do. It’s as simple as taking a moment before we write that tweet or post that comment to think about whether it’s actually adding value to the conversation or just being shitty to another human being. Just because we disagree with or even dislike someone doesn’t make them any less of the person than we are, and it’s when we forget that that we get in trouble.

With that being said, it’s time to get back to my regular weekly mocking of people that had a pretty bad weekend, which may sound counter-intuitive to what I just said, but what can I say? Comedy is complex, my friends.

Tyronn Lue

The problem of building your whole team around one superstar? When that superstar departs for greener (or in this case, sunnier) pastures, you are shit out of luck. And if you’re Cleveland Cavaliers coach Tyronn Lue, it also means you’re out of a job.

Lue was fired Sunday after a 0-6 start to the season and issued a statement to ESPN’s Mark Spears:

After Lue led the team to an NBA finals win in the 2015-16 season, he was given a five-year, $35 million contract extension, but while the Cavaliers won two more Eastern Conference titles, they were felled by the Golden State Warriors in the next two NBA Finals. No word of how much of that $35 million Lue will still get, but I suspect he’s really missing LeBron James right about now. [via Bleacher Report]

Johnny Depp

The problem of building your whole career around one character? When the studio decides to boot you from the franchise, you are shit out of luck. And if you’re Johnny Depp, it means you need to find life after Captain Jack.

Disney is planning a reboot of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and it’s been confirmed that Depp, who played Jack Sparrow for 15 years across five films, is not being asked to participate.

Scriptwriter Stuart Beattie commented on Depp’s departure, and included some of the most backhanded compliments possible:

I think he’s had a great run. Obviously, he’s made that character his own and it’s become the character he’s most famous for now.

And kids all over the world love him as that character so I think it’s been great for him, it’s been great for us, so I’m just very, very happy about it.

I think Jack Sparrow will be his legacy. It’s the only character he’s played five times, it’s the character he dresses up in to visit children in hospitals, it’s what he’ll be remembered for.

Before Jack Sparrow came along, [Depp] was considered this kind of quirky, independent actor that made these really cool little Tim Burton films but he was by no means a movie star and a lot of people thought we were crazy for casting him at the time.

Because he wasn’t a proven commodity; you know, a big movie star. And we were making a big movie and we were putting this quirky, independent actor in the middle of it and people thought we were crazy. The fact that it worked is a miracle.

They were certainly nervous watching the rushes everyday but when it all came together, something just clicked and it was magic and connected with audiences. I’m proud to be a part of it.

Honestly, Depp probably is the lucky one here – Stuart sounds like a dick to work with. [via Page Six]

Chocolate Lovers

If you’re like me, sometimes when you’re in the checkout line at the grocery store, you just get a craving for chocolate. And if you’re like me, when that craving hits, you reach for the good ol’ standby – a plain Hershey’s milk chocolate bar. And if you’re like me, you’re fucked, because that chocolatey goodness is about to get more expensive.

The candy maker announced on Thursday that they plan raise the prices of a fifth of its products by about 2.5%, with the increases going into effect next year.

According to CNN, the move is an attempt to counteract rising commodity and shipping costs; Hershey’s Chief Financial Officer Patricia Little said on Thursday that Hershey started feeling the impact of higher freight and logistics last year. “I don’t expect that to change going forward into next year,” she said.

Doing the math (which I’m not good at), my check-out line temptation will go from .99 to 1.02, which isn’t that bad. But assuming one candy bar a week, we’re talking over a 1.50 more a year. I just don’t know if that’s in my budget. [via CNN]

These Jaguars Players

Normally when I include NFL players during the season in this column, it’s because of a poor performance on Sunday, but in this case, it’s due to a bonehead move on Saturday.

Jaguars cornerback D.J. Hayden, and safeties Ronnie Harrison, Barry Church, and Jarrod Wilson, were arrested in London early Saturday morning after they dipped out on a $64,000 bar tab at the London Reign Nightclub in Piccadilly. The players, in town to play the Eagles at Wembley Stadium on Sunday, were out and about when police were called the bar right before 4am. According to a statement from Scotland Yard,

Officers attended and spoke with a group of males who had allegedly been attempting to leave the venue without paying a large bill. Four men aged in their 20s were subsequently arrested on suspicion of fraud by false representation and taken to a central London police station for questioning. They were all subsequently released with no further action.

A statement from the NFL noted that the bill had been paid and the players had rejoined the team. Not that it did the Jags any good – they lost 18-24 to Philadelphia. Cheerio, good sirs! [via People]

Princess

How horrible is it when you’ve got the perfect scam going and someone goes and blow up your spot on social media? Well, for this dog named Princess, that’s exactly what happened, and if I were her, I’d be mighty pissed at my owner.

Betsy Reyes of Oklahoma City, OK outed her dog as the ultimate fast food scammer on Facebook:

In a follow up post, Betsy shared when happened when Princess approached her car:

As bad as I feel for Princess for having her duplicity revealed to the world, I do have one question for Ms. Reyes – why the hell is your dog not leashed or fenced in so she can’t walk to McDonald’s and potentially get hit by car? Maybe instead of Facebooking, you could be a responsible pet owner. Just sayin’. [via Huffington Post]

Image via Wikipedia Commons

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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