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Every successful team has a tuned offense that runs efficient plays putting their team in the best position to score. As a millennial navigating the first 10 years of your career, it’s paramount you have a playbook to get you through the week. Gone are the days of coming back to your apartment on a Tuesday and crushing a 30 pack with your buddies because your Wednesday lecture got cancelled. You want to enjoy booze but showing up hung over to the staff meeting is a horrible look. This guide will should be a foundation for your playbook.
Monday- Halfback Iso-Beer
9 out of 10 football coaches call this to open a game. It’s safe, has a low risk of turnover and sets the tone for the offense. 48 hours have passed since Saturday night, and as usual, Monday was hell on earth. Management is asking for record numbers, clients complaining about billing discrepancies and you’re going to lose your Fantasy Football matchup against Dave in Marketing. Walking into your home is a relief and you need something to take the edge off. This situation calls for beer, nothing above 9%, but you want kick to it. I recommend an IPA from a local brewery, but a classic American Domestic will do just fine. A veteran move is planning your dinner around Monday Night Football. Enjoy food, football and beer to end a dreadful start of the week.
Tuesday – Run Pass Option w/TE Stick Route-Wine
They design the RPO to keep defenses guessing, and it’s a great phenomenal early down call. Tuesday is ending and you realize that you need to do grocery shopping. You throw together a list and head over to your supermarket hoping to get in and out. As you throw items in your cart, you’ve come to a crossroads. You need something to drink, but it’s too early in the week for liquor and you want a switch up from beer. An absurd thought goes through your head: “What if I get wine? It’s cheap and versatile?” Wine is tragically passed-over by millennial males. For centuries humans prayed to Dionysus and Bacchus as thanks for the divine nectar, but tragically American males under 40 are passing it over. After staring at bottles for 10 minutes, you grab a bottle of whatever brand you’ve heard of and get on your way. At home you realize this was a solid purchase as it was only $10-15 dollars and gets you buzzed.
Wednesday–HB Power – Whiskey
Great play calling only goes so far; you need to run hard and move the chains. You’re beyond the halfway point and it’s been a hellava ride so far. A few deals are closing, fires are being put out and you’ve stayed on top of the paperwork. You’ve earned the right to pour out the good stuff, whiskey. There are only two ways to drink whiskey when you’re over 25: neat or on the rocks. Finding an affordable whiskey with great taste is easy, but mixers at this age are unacceptable. Brown Liquor leaves the veterans vulnerable; However, half a bottle of Johnny Walker can disappear before you head to bed. Newcomers will need to develop their pallets to the straight whiskey taste, but that’s part of growing up.
Thursday–HB Toss-QB Throw Back – Vodka/Tequila
Thursday is the exotic play call of the work week. The weekend is practically here, and depending on your work situation, you may have tomorrow off or an easy Friday on the horizon. The grind has been real this week and you want to blow off steam. A solid play is going to your local Mexican restaurant and gorging yourself on chips and margaritas. I respect this call a lot and consider it to be the check down route of weekday drinking- not flashy but moves chains. If you like exotic offenses, than Vodka is your choice here. A highly versatile liquid that mixes well and is enjoyed on the rocks if one chooses. As with any bold play call, you have to make sure you’re in the right positions. These liquids are high risk high reward, and you may end up going home with that bumble chick you’ve finally got to come out or you’ll wind up with a massive hangover heading into the office on Friday.
Friday- Victory Formation–Whatever You Want
The work week has ended, and it’s time to celebrate. All options are on the table, the only wrong choice you can make is turning down after-work drinks. With any successful victory enjoy the moment, but remember another week is on the horizon..
Respond
ichoseDIII
Former D3 Football Player, Amateur Journalist and aspiring middle manager.
@mattinatlanta
@mattinatlanta
themattjames
ATLguy on the horizon sprinting toward this comment section.
in before “y’all really comparing alcoholism with football plays lmaoooo couldn’t be me.”
I gotta admit, this is funny stuff
This was very difficult to read.
Friday – Spider 2 Y Banana
Saturday-Annexation of Puerto Rico
I like where this was going, I just wish it would have hit the proofreader’s desk first. I almost injured myself reading a few of those sentences
Don’t tell me I can’t drink my whiskey in an old fashioned
Clearly wrote this drunk based on lack of proofreading
GTFO with not mixing whiskey when you’re over 25. The Manhattan and the Old Fashioned are classic drinks that are acceptable at any age. I certainly didn’t start considering Jack & Coke beneath me either, once I turned 25.
I will drink Jack and Coke 7 days a week. Judge me. Don’t care
Jack is garbage, how about you make like a tree and get out of here
I like it, so that’s what I’m going to drink. I don’t judge IPA/wine drinkers speaking in jargon I don’t understand, so let me drink my “garbage” whiskey and macrobrews with the same respect.
Any one can drink whatever they want I just thought you would have better taste in bourbon
Sunday- bottomless Mimos