My Sarcastic Answer To “When Are You Getting Married?” Completely Backfired

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Recently, my sister married her prince charming. It was a great weekend filled with love, family, and a 3 a.m. Uber to Waffle House — the perfect trifecta. I went through the usual preparations before a big event such as a wedding. I got one of the best haircuts I’ve ever had, a new suit, and curated a fire playlist. But since this was my sibling’s wedding and my one other sibling is already married, I knew I also had to prepare myself to answer the same question all weekend — “So when are you getting married?”

It’s not like this is some kind of outrageous question to ask. My sibling was getting married and everyone simply wanted to know what my status was and if another open bar was in their future. But I knew that once I was four or five Jamesons deep and repeatedly heard the same question from people, I would inevitably give a smart ass and somewhat offensive answer. I know because that is exactly what I did at the engagement party once I was a few whiskeys deep and replied to a relative’s, “So when are you getting married?” with “I actually got married in a small ceremony a year ago, but my mom didn’t approve of the girl and forced us to divorce. So you should go ask my mom. Make sure you try the cake!” I walked away slightly chuckling to myself, while my relative who doesn’t even know me very well looked like a dysfunctional host from Westworld as he tried to grasp what I said and decide where to go to next. My mom wasn’t exactly thrilled when this news got back to her, and after I sobered up, I knew I would need to come up with a slightly more tame answer for the wedding.

So this past weekend when the barrage of the same fucking question came at me, I simply responded with “Spring of 2022. Save the date.” Most people realized I was making a light-hearted joke, but like most things in my life, this began to spiral out of control. A few people did not realize that I was joking and some even spread the word that I had set a date four years from now. A few of my mom’s friends even came up to me and said, “I have a great girl for you to meet, and I think we could make the Spring 2022 date work.” That is when I realized I had just set a timer for people to determine if I was a lonely loser or not. There I was, in the middle of the dance floor while Drake’s opening verse in “Look Alive” (my family goes hard) blared over the speakers, and I began to contemplate the next four years of my life.

“In four years, I’ll be 29,” I thought to myself. “That’s definitely still young, but maybe I should at least be close to getting married at that point or at least dating someone. The closest I’ve come to a date in the last few months was telling a girl I once had sex with in the middle of a bar parking lot that I’d come visit her in her new city. Shit… maybe I really should be married by Spring of 2022.”

I stopped myself before I began reevaluating every decision and relationship from the past few years. I chugged my drink and realized that I’m in a pretty amazing point in my life with all the freedom I could ask for. I wasn’t going to let my own joke distract me from an amazing night.

My advice to anyone that may soon find themselves having to constantly answer “when are you getting married?” would be to have a unique answer prepared for the sake of a slightly more interesting conversation. But don’t let people’s perceptions of when you should be married distract you from living it up and enjoying life.

That being said, my phone just buzzed with a notification from a beautiful blonde on Hinge saying “Yes! I’d love to do drinks this week.” Keep an eye out for my Spring 2022 save the dates. .

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Don Billingsley

Using wit and humor to hide the fact that I don't know what I'm doing at work or in life. Strongest Insta captions in the game.