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Working in an office day in and day out does something to a person. It’s draining not only on the mind but the body as well. It takes a resilient personality to not fly off of the handle. The monotony of it all has killed people before and it’ll kill people in the future. It’s just not fun.
My goal every day at work is to converse with people as little as possible, but there are times when it’s simply inevitable. Here, in no particular order, are the worst questions that I’ll get asked on any given day while I’m cubing it up.
“Ooooooh whatcha makin’?”
I swear to God I have a couple of coworkers who stake me out starting at lunchtime. They watch me like a hawk and then the second I get into the break room to make my lunch, they swarm on me and start asking me about what I’m having today. They’ll then get their own lunch out and ask if I want to “go to the courtyard” to eat with them. Like, no, dude. I already see you way more than I’d like to. The last thing in the world I want to do on a Tuesday afternoon is eat my fucking lunch with you. I want to put my headphones in and eat my extremely sad turkey sandwich alone in solitude.
“Hey, could I snag ya for a sec?”
You know that computer issue that you helped your older coworker with last week? Well he/she wasn’t paying attention last time you showed them how to do it and so they’re coming back and asking you to do it again. No matter how many times you go over their problem with them and show them the solution, they’re going to come grab you and have you do it for them. They have no interest in learning how to do it themselves since it is far easier to just ask you to “pop into their office” real quick and do it.
“Did you see you my e-mail?”
This one comes two to three minutes after they’ve sent said e-mail to you. You haven’t even had time to click the fuckin’ thing and this person is already peering over your cube, asking you if you’ve seen their e-mail that, by the way, they’ve labeled as “Urgent” even though it is the farthest thing from urgent. Whenever I’m asked this question, I like to get up from my desk and say something like “Hey, listen I haven’t had a chance yet but I’ll be sure to get back to you. I have a bathroom emergency.” Nothing will get you out of a coworker conversation faster than uttering the words “bathroom emergency.” Nothing.
“Headed to Doulie’s later with the rest of the team?”
Oh, goddamnit. The last thing you want to do on a Thursday night is go get fucking drinks with the coworkers whom you already spend forty plus hours a week with and listen to them tell stories about their kids for an hour and a half. Yeah, you’re headed to Doulie’s later, but it’s not because you want to.
It’s because the alternative is looking like a bad team player and distancing yourself from a promotion down the road. Although the other option is to not go, quit this shitty job, and keep your sanity. You have rent to pay, though, so let’s be honest – you’re going to Doulie’s tonight and you’re going to do it with a forced smile on your face.
“You’re not busy this Saturday, right?”
Here’s a fun hint about this one. That question is irrelevant to whatever comes after it. Even if you are busy that Saturday, you’re still going to have to go to whatever it is that they’re telling you is going on. The question “You’re not busy this Saturday, right?” is really just to soften the blow of what’s coming after it – which is that you’re working this Saturday. Hope you like standing at a booth with a company t-shirt on!
“Where are we at with _______?”
The worst of the worst. There’s always a tone with this particular line. It’s condescending and nerve-racking. “Where are we at with ______?” As if you’re in some way being helped out by this person who is asking you this question. In my head, I want to punch whoever is asking me this squarely in the jaw because there is, of course, no help coming from the person asking the question. This is the worst question you can ask me because even if I do have whatever it is they’re asking for finished and ready to pass along, I find myself fumbling over my words every time..
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jduda@grandex.co
*soft knock on the door frame followed by the softly spoken* “heyyy you gotta minute?”
HR nightmare
“You took care of that, right?”
Oh God. I might hate that more than “Where are we at with”
The correct response to “where are we at with” is “im waiting for you to ….” or someine else, but its best to pin it back on the person asking.
“You getting into anything fun this weekend?”
I’m actually going to stay at home to masturbate violently and practice my elk bugles between college football games, how about yourself?
IDK, sounds fun to me.
I’m particular unfond of “How are you?” When being passed in the hallway or at the urinal. You don’t care how I am, I don’t care how you are, and there isn’t enough time to logistically get through this mini conversation before we pass each other by. And just stop talking to each other in the bathroom in general. Ever.
Where are we at with the Flanagans is the real question that needs asked
“Come with me, let’s talk” – some of the last words you’ll hear before you walk out of the office and never return
“Can I speak to you in private?” The last time I was asked this my boss walked me into a conference room to lay me off
“Can we touchbase on [topic] in [time]” . The only touching base I want to do is the poddy, and that’s an ironic base touch.
Question about “Where are we at with..?” while it’s not ideal being asked this question, what would you rather someone that’s checking on the status of something ask you?
Don’t check on the status of anything in an office. Instead, people should be asking stuff like “where are we with blowing up this system of indentured servitude? Where are we with the next grand illusion? Where are we with the destruction of our ecosystem? Lol
What’re your thoughts on the perks offered by the big corporates? Free food/drink/gym and nap rooms etc just means there’s no reason to leave ever the office right?
Pretty much because all of them are on salary so the longer they stay, the less they get paid in terms of their salary value but the more work/growth the company gets. It’s also a good tactic to use against the employee of productivity/performance slips because burn out isn’t really cared about because there’s someone else that will replace them. What’s your thought on the motivation behind that?
COGS is COGS is COGS, just depends how much of the pie ends up in my pocket (after the theft of taxation of course)