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There are a lot of frustrating things about being single, but today I want to focus on one unsolicited piece of advice I’ve heard over and over within the last four years I’ve been dateless. I’m currently in that stage of life where I am watching my friends and family find their soulmate, get hitched, and throw lavish weddings to celebrate their love for one another. And me? I get to attend these celebrations completely plus-one-less only to be nudged by people saying “you’re next.” I then have the luxury explaining that I am not, in fact, “next” since I’m extremely single. After pointing this out, the inquiries begin.
“Well, what’s the dating scene like? Is there anyone you’re interested in?”
I usually tell them “no,” even if it’s just a lie to protect my own privacy. Of course, there’s something about weddings where people in committed relationships feel the need to insert advice to the single attendees as if we’re desperately seeking their words of wisdom (we’re not). The worst of that advice?
“You just need to find someone nice.”
This unsolicited advice can be given in a number of ways. You might also hear, “Focus on finding a nice guy/girl and it’ll all work out,” or even “[insert name here] is nice! I like them! You should date them!” Regardless of the exact phrasing, the words “good” and “nice” and “kind” are usually the common denominators in this blanket statement.
Without a doubt, this is one of the most frustrating and demeaning things I hear as someone who’s single, and let me explain why. I know these advice-givers don’t have the intention of being patronizing. I’m sure they just are trying to convey that I should steer away from terrible humans that would treat me like crap, but I can’t help and feel that there’s this condescending undertone every time someone says to “just find someone nice.”
Find someone nice? Look. I truly don’t think that I’ve ever gone into dating someone who I didn’t consider “nice” from the beginning. After all, who would do that? Can you imagine telling your friends, “So, I just met someone and he’s super special because he’s a HUGE asshole. I mean, ladies, he’s a total jerk without a single kind bone in his body.” Let’s be honest here. If you’re telling me to just find someone “nice,” you’re really just revealing this hidden message that I should lower my standards and settle down.
Please correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t “nice” one of those bare minimum criteria that anyone should be looking for in a partner? Nice is the starting point. The baseline. The VERY first thing on the litmus test. Yes, I want to find someone nice. I also want to find someone who inhales oxygen maybe doesn’t have a history of murdering puppies for fun. No shit. Of course I want to find someone nice. But I’d also like to find someone who is intelligent, quick-witted, loves children, and challenges me to be a better person. Is it really that selfish of an expectation that I want someone who’s more than a well-mannered person?
Kindness should just be someone’s way of life, and to expect two people would date and fall in love just because they’re both bare minimum decent human beings is an absurd thought. This whole concept is essentially saying that as long as someone has the wherewithal of being kind, it shouldn’t matter if they have a total dumpster fire of a personality.
Personally, I’d like to believe I have several other qualities other than my ability to be nice, and I can only hope my future partner does too. I’d rather never date again than be with someone who I didn’t feel was riveting, and quite frankly: I don’t think “nice” is all that exciting if that’s the only personality trait we share. Shouldn’t we just put to rest the idea that being “nice” is some kind of huge accomplishment to find in a relationship? It’s not like it’s some feat SO incredibly noteworthy that we should raise some dating prospects above the rest. If you are “nice” then you are being exactly what most people should expect from other people. Period. And if you’re suggesting I find “niceness” to be the only thing someone is offering in a relationship, that’s pretty pathetic.
I think a lot of this has to do with my age. When I was in college, I was always told to keep my expectations high and that it’s an important thing to be picky. But now? “Nice” is the one checkbox I’m being asked to fill. That’s quite a leap, no? I guess since I’m slowly nearing the big 3-0 and I’m literally the last non-married or engaged person left out of my family and close circle of friends, they all fill the need for me to hurry up and join their couple endeavors.
To those friends and family that have given me this advice, I know you mean no harm. And I love you. But I riddle you this: What if I meet someone really “nice”… but they hate dogs, the great outdoors, and football? See? Maybe it’ll be worthwhile to take my time and find someone who is much, much more than just a “nice” guy. .
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KatieCallaway
Katie is 27 and is from Nashville, TN but lives in Los Angeles, CA as an actress, comedian, writer, and marketing manager. Although some might disagree, she likely peaked when she had dinner with Randy Jackson and he called her “dude” a lot. You can see her active on the Twitterverse at @KECallaway or you can also follow her new Insta at @KatieCallaway even though she hates Instagram.
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the worst possible thing anybody can ever be described as is “nice” because that means there’s literally nothing else interesting or redeemable about you other than the bare minimum
100%. “Nice” is a bigger insult than anything else.
“He/she is nice… but…”
Personally the “it’ll happen when you least expect it, don’t try so hard just go with the flow” OKAY SUSAN WHO MARRIED HER HS SWEETHEART.
Ugh this one gets me more than the nice thing. A girl I know from college says this all the time in the most condescending way imaginable. It’s like she totally forgot she was constantly on the prowl and would cut a bitch for the attention of any guy over 6 feet tall.
PREACH. I was single for almost six years–most of college postgrad until recently–and that only changed because I finally started working to find someone. It happens because you make it happen.
Best advice I’ve ever been given when single, “Something will happen when you least expect it” Just do you and good things will come, positive Tuesday vibes coming off a nice long weekend
This is awful advice, probably the second worst after what Katie wrote about. You’re not going to meet someone sitting on your ass watching Netflix all weekend. You have to put yourself out there.
Duh, Bill Nye. I think what 007 meant is that if you get out there and do the things you enjoy doing, you’re going to find someone without trying(i.e. going out to the club/bars looking for someone to bring home.)
I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend in southern France summer before last, and he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, but we did find each other accidentally. There’s a difference between Actively Looking, Active Availability, and Passive Existence.
That first sentence makes me think will is going to roast your NYT marriage announcement someday
Looking forward to it.
You’d be surprised how many people do this and then wonder why they can’t meet anyone. I was one of them.
Co-signed, you don’t have to filling out pro / con lists for potential partners, but being actively social and putting yourself in situations that lend itself to finding someone take a lot of conscious effort.
The People who have significant others and give you this advice only do it to rub it in your face. They literally could care less about a single persons dating life. Unless there dating situation does in fact suck and they want to live vicariously through you, which in that case means its alright.
The whole “stop looking/ it’ll happen when you least expect it” bit people give out is BS. I remember VIVIDLY just how hard I was looking for someone when I was single. I wasn’t looking at every person I encountered as potential spouse material, but I went out when I didn’t feel like it, attended events I would normally make excuses not to go to and other things outside of my comfort zone and eventually it worked out.
So true because the only chance I might have to find somebody if I actually stopped looking would be if the uberEats delivery guy that showed up while I was binging trash TV was the love of my life.
It’s great if someone says “…oh and they’re nice” because that means they already listed other interesting qualities. But strictly nice? Pass.
Surprised that “Well, there are other fish in the sea” didn’t have a remark. That’s my mom’s go to favorite piece of ‘advice’ (if you can even call it that) when I talk about a breakup and it bothers me like no other.
Don’t worry, chances are the people who get hitched early are the ones ‘settling’ and will be more likely to end things prematurely. I mean, what are the chances that out of all the potential mates out there that you meet yours in first few years of college? That’s a pass from me, dawg.
I think what people really mean is find a good guy. When someone is described as nice, it usually means they’re boring and/or unattractive. When someone is described as good, it usually means they have values and morals and would make a good partner. Huge difference in my opinion.
I literally once dumped a guy I was seeing because he said the reason he liked me was because I was so nice. There were other reasons, but that was the final straw. It just showed me that he didn’t actually know me at all and just wanted to be with someone, anyone. Because none of my close friends would put “nice” at the top of the list of words that describe me.
As a nice guy from Nashville, Sup?
As a nice girl in Nashvegas, pass.
Nashvegas, don’t know any locals who call it that, but still, sup?
All non single friends- “you have to meet friends of friends, you’ll never meet someone at a bar or on an app.”
Me- “you have any single friends that you want to introduce me to?”
Them- “lol no. Idiot.”
After getting this no less than 10+ times at my friends wedding this weekend, I 100000% agree here. Random people I’ve met maybe twice, asked me “don’t you want a family?” And I was told I’m being too picky and need to settle down soon. Then they wonder why I had two drinks in my hands at all times haha
My mom always tells me to find a “nice engineer” because I always go for “bad boys”
Unless you’re one of my best friends, my rule of thumb is I don’t ask people about their dating life, or when they’re having kids. Both are unnecessary to ask about.
The “too picky” thing is the absolute worst. Cool, you were able to get what you wanted since your husband fell into your lap at freshman orientation, but I’m one of the losers who slipped through the cracks so thinking that I deserve more than anything with a pulse is crazy.
The intrusion never stops, no matter what stage you’re in. My least favorite was getting asked by older women if we were trying for kids which is basically, “Hey, are you banging?”
Sup?
No……..you can bang without trying for kids lol. That is not what theyr’e asking.
I just mean that pickiness was a nonissue for them because they found someone without having to try. So for them to be giving that advice to those of us who are in the trenches week after week (or year after year if we’re being honest), basically just sounds like, “You’re doing it wrong. You should have been like me and gotten lucky.”
If their husband fell into their lap at freshman orientation sounds like they really were not being picky at all (and should have probably been pickier)
Hahaha facts. Story of my life.
Sup?
-Nice boy, bad engineer