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Sitting next to a pool drunker than all hell, I blathered on for several minutes to a four person audience about how much fun we were going to have that coming night.
We discussed grabbing more booze for the evening ahead, nailed down plans to meet at my apartment for a pregame, and even started texting others to see if they’d like to join in on the fun. Life was good, and everything was going to according to plan until I muttered one fateful sentence, and it was a death knell for my evening itinerary – “I just need to run home and change really quick.”
Now I would usually say that a bathing suit, a pair of Birks, and a pool shirt (such as my favorite Duke basketball tee) is appropriate for the bar, but on this night temperatures were expected to drop into the low 60s and there was a chance of some light rain.
Listen, I love freeballing in a pair of swim trunks whilst out on the town just as much as the next guy, but that’s a bit too cold for my liking. You know those guys who wear shorts in any type of weather – rain, sleet, snow, or otherwise? Nobody wants to be that guy, and I didn’t want to risk looking like even more of a jackass than I already am by wearing shorts during inclement weather.
On top of that (and more importantly) we were also going out in a neighborhood in Chicago that is notorious for denying entrance to people who are underdressed. As much as I’d like to say that I exclusively frequent dive bars, that just isn’t the case all of the time.
Sometimes I have to concede defeat and force myself into going to overpriced night clubs with my friends who make significantly more money than I do. But I didn’t have a problem with the chosen neighborhood and I really didn’t mind taking an Uber back to my apartment and rinsing the chlorine off of my body.
I thought I’d get home, be in and out of the shower in ten minutes and then dressed/ready to go back out in another fifteen. I foolishly told myself and my friends as I left the pool that I’d be no longer than 45 minutes.
The Uber ride home lulled me into a stupor. I could feel my senses waning as we pulled up to a curb a few feet from my apartment. I heard myself saying the all too familiar go-to phrase when you’re using a rideshare service – “Right here is fine.”
I disrobed, hopped into the shower, dried myself off, and fell into my bed completely nude – my hair still damp and my body absolutely defeated from a day spent eating and drinking in the oppressive summer heat. That was around 5:00 p.m.
The next thing I knew I was groggily opening my eyes, the room pitch black and my phone completely dead. I plugged it in, waiting five excruciating minutes while the thing booted back up. The time on my lock screen read 7:45 p.m. I knew right then and there that my night was over. My head was pounding, my mouth was drier than the Sahara, and my stomach was on empty and making noises I’ve never heard before.
There is one cardinal sin that you cannot commit when you’re trying to extend a darty into a night out on the town – never, under any circumstances, go home to change your outfit. I realize that this rule presents some problems and I have solutions.
I’m sure a lot of you are sitting there saying “John, I know you said I can’t go home to change, but what if I’m in a situation similar to you where I don’t feel like wearing my bathing suit out to the bar?”
Simple, really. Plan ahead. Bring a change of clothes with you to your friends high rise with the pool in it and maybe even an extra pair of shoes.
The second you say something along the lines of “I’m down to go out, I just need to go home and change really quick” it’s all over. Your bed beckons you as you walk in the door. There’s ice cold water in a Brita filter in your refrigerator and guess what? Postmates sent you a discount code that has been burning a hole in your pocket for the last few days.
The hours in between the darty and actually stepping out for the night are critical ones. And the key to staying alive is to never get too comfortable. Continue drinking obviously. Get some food in you. Do some performance enhancing drugs if you’re into that sort of thing. Finding Nemo really did get it right – just keep swimming, motherfucker.
Do what you need to do to continue partying. Just never ever go home to change your outfit. You’ll get sucked into the comfy zone and you won’t be able to escape it’s clutches. Have a great Saturday everyone..
Image via Unsplash
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jduda@grandex.co
Never thought I’d see the day when Duda quoted Finding Nemo but here we are
Nothing like sipping some coffee and diving into a Duda take. Loving these blogs. Keep it up.
Also, changing your clothes isn’t the issue here.. it’s entirely your bed. Taking a nap (willingly or unwillingly) puts you in a completely different state of mind upon waking up and you just never know what’s going to happen.
obligatory stock photo: would
Pro tip: always bring a friend with you so this doesn’t happen. The buddy system works in all aspects of life.
How could this story happen if the pregame was at your apartment?
I was at a friends pool during the day. The pregame following the pool party was supposed to be at my house and then we were gonna go out from there. Didn’t happen because I passed out