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We’re finally upon two of the most highly anticipated seasons that we have here in the USA: College Football Season & The Bachelor Speculation Season. While we know which teams will be gracing our televisions every weekend, we’re still not quite sure which dude is going to be courting twenty-five women every Monday this fall.
There are some decent choices out there, don’t get me wrong. Wouldn’t hate Jason or Wills taking the reigns, or God-willing a Peter season. However, we’re fresh of ABC absolutely screwing the pooch by choosing fucking Arie Luyendyk Jr. Guy was the worst, and that was BEFORE humiliating Becca on national TV.
ABC needs to hit a home run, or dare I say, score a touchdown with their latest pick. Me personally, I think it’s time to pull from the old playbook and grab an ex- college QB to spice things up. It’d be great for the franchise and fantastic for the ex-QB.
There’s precedent; being the Bachelor helped Jesse Palmer turn a middling college/NFL career (guy played five years in the league; nothing to scoff at but the didn’t set the world on fire) into a longtime analyst gig. He is a fixture on ESPN’s CFB coverage and hosts The Proposal on ABC. Plenty of better QBs have had worse post-football careers; opting for The Bachelor doesn’t seem so bad when it’s up against being the QB coach at Purdue.
The Bachelor needs a kick in the ass. They’ve had some football players recently with decent success, including ole Jordan “Hey that’s not Aaron but eh good enough” Rodgers winning the final rose, so it’s time to go all-in on a QB1. Here’s where they should look:
*Note: I’m 90% certain most of these guys are married/locked up. Apologies to the wives/girlfriends out there whose men I’m suggesting go on a dating show. I wish you all the best.
8. Blake Sims/Jake Coker/Greg McElroy (Alabama, 2009-2015) – I’d be remiss not to include anyone who started for the Bama juggernaut not named AJ McCarron or the kids there now. Hell, let Chris Harrison take the year off and have Saban sub for him as host. I’d watch.
First girl who walks out of the limo with a sign that says “I Want Bama” wins.
7. Jared Lorenzen (Kentucky, 2000-2003)
Hey girl, you wanna go to the Fantasy Suite?
6. Pat White (West Virginia, 2005-2008)
You want to get more guys watching The Bachelor? Pat White is the guy, because anyone who played with West Virginia in NCAA Football ’07 (like me) would owe it to themselves to ride for this man on his journey to find love.
Part of being the Bachelor is making tough, last second choices. Do you give the rose to the girl you might see a future with, or do you give it to the crazy girl that the producers really want you to keep on? Considering Pat White ran the best damn speed option in the business and constantly had to make the tough decision on whether to tuck and run or pitch it out to Steve Slaton, I think he’d make far better decisions than Bachelors of yesteryear.
5. Matt Leinart (USC, 2001-2005)
I mean, you know why.
4. Steve Spurrier (Florida, 1963-1966)
Now hold on, bear with me here. Sure, a 73-year-old married retiree isn’t an ideal Bachelor. I get that.
But don’t we as a country deserve to see this guy throwing drinks back while explaining the “Fun ‘N Gun” to a bunch of twenty-somethings?
Former Florida coach Steve Spurrier says Jim McElwain's offense was 'so bad’ https://t.co/ipV8SNHj83 pic.twitter.com/cmjASDLyCu
— Barrett Sallee (@BarrettSallee) October 30, 2017
ABC picked a boring ass old man last year, a fun old man might be the right call this year.
3. Ricky Stanzi (Iowa, 2007-2010)
Ricky was one of those dudes who seemed like he was in college for fifteen years. You could’ve told me that he was Iowa’s starter in 1995 or 2005 and I’d believe you. The Bachelor has gone with both an Iowa guy and a QB in the past, so why not kill two birds with one stone and bring Ricky in?
Also, he’s got zero social media presence, so he needs the show as much as it needs him. Guy hasn’t tweeted since 2012, but he does have a hell of a Twitter bio:
I have a hand-cannon enough said
Ricky could use that hand-cannon to sling some roses while taking girls riding through the Iowa corn fields.
2. Stephen Garcia (South Carolina, 2007-2011)
We know The Bachelor loves a bad boy. Juan Pablo was notorious, and every season has a polarizing dude. Why not up the ante here. Per former 5-star recruit Garcia’s Wikipedia page:
Garcia was suspended twice from practice after being arrested for public intoxication and, later, keying a professor’s car
Garcia was suspended for one week for violating team rules during the bowl trip in December 2010
Garcia was suspended indefinitely for causing a disturbance at an SEC-mandated meeting designed to encourage good life choices beyond college
Garcia failed to meet agreed-upon guidelines established by the team as a condition of his reinstatement, reportedly failing a substance screening for alcohol consumption
I mean, this guy screams reality TV bad-boy. All those incidents, along with his prodigious talent and infuriatingly up-and-down on field performance, made him something of a dubious CFB legend. Let’s give him his 57th chance and throw him into a cocktail party with 20+ women every week. I think he’s ready:
1. Bo Wallace (Ole Miss, 2012-2014)
Quick trivia, who was the QB when Ole Miss got back to national prominence for the first time since Eli? Wrong, it wasn’t Chad Kelly, it was Dr. Bo, the perfect notable but not too notable SEC QB and a great choice for the next Bachelor.
First, look at the great QB flow:
Former (East Mississippi CC) JUCO Star QB @bowallace14 Bo Wallace inks with the Chiefs #JUCOPRODUCT pic.twitter.com/RblE6HoZGZ
— JUCO Football Frenzy (@JUCOFFrenzy) May 3, 2015
After Arie, we need hair like that. Now, Bo is coaching at his old Juco so not sure what his hair status is, but unless folic tragedy has struck I’m sure he could bring it back.
Bo also brings fame, but not too much fame. Any CFB fan during his run as starter knew of Bo Wallace, but didn’t know a ton about him. He had star moments, but was never a star. He won a few games in the SEC, now he needs to win some hearts on The Bachelor..
Respond
Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Sleeper pick…Rhett Bomar, OU
Noted car salesman.
Grand Prairie’s own.
How DARE you not include Kliff Kingsbury in this list.
If they want ratings through the roof, they want Tebow. He’s a more famous Colton. Maybe Dennis Dixon, similar to Pat White. I started googling QBs and there aren’t nearly as many single ones as I thought.
As already mentioned, Tim Tebow and Kliff Kingsbury were notable exceptions.
Mark Sanchez would be the obvious choice- a guy who used to have one of the biggest spotlights in the game (former USC QB, played in the New York market), Mexican-American so ABC gets their minority checkmark, rich, good-looking (no homo), fallen out of favor so much that he would be incentivized to do it (tbh, he’s not going to be a starter again) and he seems chill af.
Bo Wallace has to be the most southern name I have ever heard.
The original Dr. Bo (Bo Wagner) croaked last year. Now a dead man is on every bottle of Dr. Bo’s Colon Magic.
Cannot be Pat White as bachelor. He has a baby mama. Don’t ask me how I know that.
Even better for the added drama element
Im surprised with the lack of Kliff Kingsbury mention.
The guy who replaced Garcia, Connor Shaw, is ultra religious. It was like going from the devil on one shoulder to an angel on the other. But Garcia beat #1 Bama and I’ll love his crazy ass forever.
As an Ole Miss fan I appreciate this list.