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Gazing out of the window from the break room, three coworkers at a nondescript company peer out into the distance. This could be any office in any pocket of America. It’s a place where a bunch of people have titles like “Associate Vice President” and “Solutions Manager” and where folks in the lower echelon of the company simply show up to stare absentmindedly at a screen, collect a paycheck, and leave at 5 on the dot everyday. The work is uninspiring and the culture and decor of the office reflects that.
It’s morning, and steam rises up from the mugs of three men in the break room. The coffee cups, each one a complimentary gift from a different corporate conference (probably in a place like Scottsdale, Schaumburg, or Omaha) are filled to the brim with the Green Mountain Keurig coffee that their employer provides free of charge. A light in the far corner of the room is flickering. The dark clouds on the horizon scream thunder, lightning, and heavy showers.
“Man we could really use some rain,” says one of the men, his voice trailing off as he sips his coffee. His name is Randy, Jim, or Bruce, and he’s got a mortgage and a nice little two story in the burbs with a basement he unironically calls “The Man Cave” about thirty minutes from the office. “My lawn is getting absolutely murdered this year.”
“Should get that light fixed. Gonna get annoying if we don’t tell Kathy about it soon,” another one of the men says.
Kathy is the office manager at Globex, Massive Dynamic, or whatever the hell this hellhole calls itself and she can either be your best friend or your worst enemy. The name of the game with Kath is to not pester her or put too much on her plate. Kathy is horrible employee, but she’s been at the company for so long that the higher ups just kind of let her slide. Let’s just say that if you e-mail her three times in a week about getting a second monitor at your desk, you’re probably not going to see it until the end of the quarter.
You’ve got to ease your way into requests with her. Not saying a 25 dollar gift card to the Buffalo Wild Wings down the street from City Center Boulevard (the business park that the office resides in) will get you on Kathy’s good side, but I’m not saying it won’t either if you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down. Kathy likes the long island iced teas at BDubs and honestly can you blame her?
The Boss walks into the break room to find the three aforementioned men staring out of the window. “Could really use some rain, today. Ha-ha. How’s everyone this morning?”
Light pitter patter can now be heard on the break room window. In a few moments it’ll be pissing sideways outside.
“Just fine, Terry.” One of the underlings says. They disperse seconds later, each one giving their boss a pursed-lip half smile and a simultaneous head nod as they make their way to their cubicles to start the day. The Boss fills his coffee cup up, planting himself in front of the window where the three men just were, sipping it quietly, taking it all in so to speak. The light in the far corner of the room is flickering and he makes a mental note to speak with Kathy about it later on this afternoon.
Two women enter the break room, see The Boss in front of the window, and immediately turn around. A guy from I.T. slides past them, unbothered by The Boss and needing coffee.
“Man…” I.T. guy says while he fills the Keurig’s water tank up, “it’s really coming down out there.”
“Sure is,” The Boss says. “My lawns getting murdered this summer. We really needed this.”
No one at Generic Company X knows much, but let me tell you something right now – those guys really needed some rain in their neck of the woods..
Image via Unsplash
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jduda@grandex.co
This is just a great piece of writing
Little do they know, while their lawns are getting murdered in this column Terry actually got murdered in a completely different and seemingly unrelated Duda column
I wouldn’t mind a nice little two story in the burbs with a man cave in the basement. PGP.
“where folks in the lower echelon of the company simply show up to stare absentmindedly at a screen, collect a paycheck, and leave at 5 on the dot everyday.”
Can you fwd my resume, Johnny?
@Dave next time
This is a spot on recap of every Midwestern office for the last 3 months. Especially in farming country…
Welp, looks at the bright side, only 40 more years till retirement!
This sounds so much like the Onion
If we didn’t know that Terry Flanagan worked in Manhattan instead of whatever nondescript area this article is in, I’d say Terry the Boss’s lawn isn’t the only thing getting murdered this summer #RIP
This is the most depressingly awkward and accurate article I’ve read in quite some time. Well done, we could always use some rain
Can this turn into a series starring Wally from always sunny?