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We need to get Chris off TV. Onto this week’s stock watch:
Episode Six – Up
The Leo drama at the end was solid, but as far as Paradise goes, not a bad episode at all.
Episode Seven – Up
The Leo drama carried into this episode and kept it going. I hate Paradise, but I love to hate it. Buying all the stock from here on out.
Finding Out Next Monday’s Episode Is Three Hours – Down
Fucking kill me.
People Who Have Gone On Dates – Down
Haven’t been excited about a single date pairing this season. Having to watch Annaliese go on a date twice? Brutal. That Colton/Tia & Raven/Adam thing from last week? Heinous. Connor & Krystal? I mean, don’t get me wrong, inject Chris’ jealousy into my veins, but both of them are meh.
Angela & Eric were Ok, but still. Not a great showing.
John & Olivia’s Date – Down
Can you imagine them watching last night and seeing what Eric & Angela got to do on their date, and how mad they must’ve been? Instead of sitting in a luxury hotel room eating cheese and ice cream while drinking champagne, they went to a Quinceanñera. What an L.
Kendall – Down
Yeah she made the right choice in the end, but not before she tried every other outlet while leaving Joe sitting on the couch waiting for her as her safety blanket. Not feeling it.
Kenny – All The Way Up
Love Kenny for going to do the right thing and dipping the fuck out because he’s not feeling Annaliese going see his daughter’s recital. I’ll always ride for this man.
Never forget:
Kevin – Up
So, I was torn on Kevin. I had thought he was a gym douche; turns out he’s a firefighter, so thanks for your service, my guy.
But he forced us to have ten minutes dedicated to he and Astrid crying because of a problem he invented.
However, the whole situation with Leo has me buying the shit out of Kevin this week. Dropping a Justin Trudeau quote followed by a “fuck you Leo” was huge for his stock. I’m officially all-in on Kevin. Look at this power couple:
Krystal – Up
Honestly, I really respected Krystal for trying to tear all of Chris’ muscles when he made her get out of bed to come do yoga with him. I truly thing she’s ready to leave Chris when something better comes, so I’m just going to pull for that.
Grocery Store Joe – Up
If Kendall lets this man go, we deserve him as the next Bachelor. This guy might be the big winner of the season.
Kamil “Mr. 60/40” – Stagnant
Meh.
Cassandra – Up
She stirred things up when she walked through the door. Keeping things interesting is crucial thing stage in Paradise, so good to see the new blood getting things going.
Leo – Down
Leo lost his goddamn mind, plain and simple. Gave a “drunk Uncle at Thanksgiving” speech as he left Paradise is a hell of a way to go out.
That being said, he didn’t back down when GSJ got in his face. Regardless, I don’t think my man is staying in the franchise. Poor showing.
Chris – Great Depression-Era Level
When Chris said “If Krystal switches I’m going home” I found myself rooting harder for Connor & Krystal than I ever have any of my sports teams.
Angela – Down
Her date with Eric was the first time I’d heard her speak. Watching someone get the “Oh I feel great about my relationship” edit with the person they’re with about to take a date with is never ideal.
David – Stagnant
Didn’t get that rose but didn’t make too much of an ass of himself.
Olivia – Stagnant
I guess we will see? Have a feeling she’s looking at a one-and-done appearance here.
Eric – Stagnant
Eric got more camera time in Episode 7 than the previous six combined. My man got probably the best date of the season, eating hella cheese and ice cream.
Then things got interesting, because he hit Cassandra with the creepiest face of the season, and accepted a date with her. His stock had been trending upward but took the last fifteen minutes of the episode to give off some scumbag vibes with his bad excuse for taking a date. Not great, man.
Jenna – Stagnant
Jenna landed herself the dumbest, sweetest, creepiest, kindest boy on the show.
Connor – Down
Really appreciated that he came here to cuck Chris, but a one and done is nothing but downward stock.
Jordan – Stagnant
Jordan has 100% sat outside a girl’s window with binoculars to see if she brought another boy home. My biggest problem with the guy is while he’s extremely genuine, he’s also really stupid.
Jordan every time Jenna is alone with Benoit #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/2hcMZtZ8po
— Kyle Bandujo (@kylebandujo) August 28, 2018
But Jordan won the battle and got that rose from Jenna, all while wearing a shirt that looked like a 1930s convict outfit.
Benoit – Down
He got dumped for Jordan, then sobbed like a baby as he left. The French, man.
Jubilee – Down
Getting dumped by Venmo John’s nerdy ass basically off-camera isn’t the way you want your reality TV career to end.
Chelsea – Up
A benchwarmer all season, Chelsea finally got to have her moment by being the “desperation rose” for three guys at the rose ceremony. Venmo John occupied the same role last week, and it was the hottest his stock has been all season, so the same goes for Chelsea. Chelsea got to suck all the face at the rose ceremony.
Annaliese – Down
Oh, Annaliese. With yo crazy desperate crying ass. Finally got yourself a man, now please get off my TV.
Venmo John – Stagnant
How this nerdy fuck keeps roses is beyond me, but good for him I guess. Guy talks like he’s reading from a prompter.
Astrid – Up
The quieter half of low-key the best couple on the show right now. They had their dumb argument moment, but seem to be going strong now.
Colton/Tia – Stagnant
Quiet week from them. Thank God. I will concede, they do work well together.
Chris Harrison – Stagnant
I need a linen pants sponsor to look like this man ASAP. Holler at me with your linen pants plugs. Also shouts to my man for opening a brewery:
Yuki – Stagnant
Not much Yuki this week.
Wells – All The Way Up
Like you thought Wells was going to be anything but up? Vouched for Benoit when Jordan came in hollering about him yelling at Chelsea. .
Checkout our legendary 2 Minutes In Paradise segment on the latest episode of Touching Base
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
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Can we talk about how insane the gaslighting has been on this season? Chris, Jordan and Leo have all proven themselves to be terrible. Hell they make sex offender Lincoln look like a stand up guy. Props to Grocery Store Joe for being the hero we don’t deserve.
Watch Wells’s Instagram story today. He talks about how Leo lost his mind even more than what was shown and how Joe was ready to throw down and he bitched out.
Jordan clawing back from the verge of elimination to trump Benoit and win Jenna’s candy-for-breakfast heart is the comeback story I never knew I needed. Watching The Golden Boy discover, process, and slowly begin to understand complex feelings for the first time is fantastic television.