Edibles, Threesomes, Closet Peeing, And The Fourth of July: The Worst Stories From This Weekend

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Man. I mean, not great. This whole situation, I mean. I’m sure half of you took off either Monday/Tuesday or Thursday/Friday last week because we had that mid-week holiday. Trudging into work for a full week isn’t exactly ideal so let’s just cut the shit — on some level or another, you’re dealing with some sort of Sunday Scaries or Monday blues.

So here’s the plan. Here’s how we’re going to make things right. First off, scrap the Keurig today. We’re not doing trash coffee. Go to a local coffee shop and pick up a cup of pure fuel that’ll get you through your morning, at least. It’ll also get you out of the office for fifteen to twenty.

Next, you’re going to subscribe and listen to The Sunday Scaries Podcast on iTunes. You’ve got plenty of time today to listen to every single episode. It’ll take less than an hour, I promise.

Here’s this week’s episode.

If you enjoy it, please leave a review — it helps a ton with iTunes charts and helps the podcast reach a bigger audience.

And finally, let’s work through this week’s crop of Worst Weekend Stories. If you want to send in your own, do so by emailing me at will@grandex.co. As always, stories are presented unedited in quotes below.

Spent the weekend by myself since the gf decided to leave out of town last minute Friday. Between, car inspection, registration, and birthday gifts for my mom and uncle half of my paycheck is already gone, and I’ve yet to pay the important stuff, losing my beats headphones at the gym between Friday and Sunday, and having an interview canceled for the 3rd time in about a month idk if it’s so much scaries as it is just down right depressing. Oh and Mexico just got knocked out of the World Cup.

Ain’t no Scaries like World Cup Scaries. Luckily, us American fans experienced those months ago so we get to revel in the games with no real horse in the race. I said it before the World Cup started and I’ll say it again: all in on France. Allez les Bleus.

I got a bad case of Sunday scaries. Went on a hike with a group of friends while on group vacation in Costa Rica. Found a bike jump that gives about 15 ft of air and we all decided to jump off of it.

I didn’t want to but was peer pressured into it and when I went off I landed on my ankle and thought I broke it. Friends had to carry me out where I then went to the hospital and got an X-ray.

It’s not broken, just super swollen and I can’t walk for the next few days. Missing out on many planned activities and probably won’t be able to celebrate the 4th on a Costa Rican beach with everyone else.

I’ve never been to Costa Rica but I can guess that going to the hospital there is less than ideal. This is what you get for not just drinking Pacificos on the beach while taking less than 2,000 steps a day.

Ok, never thought I’d see the day…but I woke up this morning still shook. Overall, my weekend was good, but I made some heavy mistakes.

1. I went to the Harry Styles/Kacey Musgraves concert on Saturday. They were both great, and I had a good time. Except, I conveniently forgot that Harry Styles = One Direction = thousands of shrieking tweens. My ears are still bleeding.

2. On Sunday, I went to the suburbs to do laundry and get Portillos with my boyfriend. My boyfriend got into town Sunday at 5 am, so I was already on edge from waking up to let him in. My apartment had like, 5 seniors in college staying in it over the weekend (thanks, roommate), so it was predictably trashed, and I needed to get out, ASAP, plus laundry is “free” in the burbs. Anyway, my boyfriend just got back from California and is a big green fan, if you know what I mean. He brought back some edibles, as well as a vape. He gave me a piece of candy on the way there, and I felt fine. Now, I am by no means a smoker, but on occasion, I’ll hang out and participate, however, the only other time I’ve used a pen, I had a very not good reaction–dizzy, felt like I was going to pass out and nauseous–so I was less than inclined to try. He convinced me it would be ok if I “only do a little”. Famous last words.

We go to Target and Portillos, I’m fine. We come back, eat, and start listening to a podcast/napping. All of a sudden, I start CRACKING UP at this podcast–like, tears rolling down my face, uncontrollable laughter. Then, I make him sit up because I’m not feeling well. I don’t even know how to describe it. I feel like I can’t stand up and I’m super weak. My eyes don’t feel like they’re working it feels like they’re taking pictures and everything’s disjointed. I look in the mirror, and they look all puffy. I’m wondering if I’m having an allergic reaction, so I google it and almost pass out on my way back to the couch. I get scared that I’m going into anaphylactic shock and going to die or if my IUD got dislodged and I’m going to die. I start sobbing hysterically. My boyfriend, at this point, is also high but starting to get freaked out. I alternate from laughing to crying for a good ten minutes when I request that we watch something, now, to take my mind off the fact that I feel like I’m about to die/combust. He puts on Queer Eye, something that I’ve heard of/wanted to watch but am not familiar with. It was not a good idea. Time was moving soooooooooo slow. We got to the house around 1 and didn’t leave until like, 7, when I finally felt less crazy. Sitting at my desk now in a total haze.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch Queer Eye again.

I’m not going to say that no one should fuck with edibles because they have their place in today’s society, but this is the very reason I stay the fuck away from them. If you listened to last week’s episode of Touching Base, I tell the story of the time I uknowingly ate two (2) Altoid-style edibles thinking they were just normal Altoids. I was ROCKED.

The episode is here and I tell the story at 1:06:00. Enjoy.

I never thought I’d have the opportunity to write you an email, but the Scaries are at an all time high at work Monday morning. I’m currently living at home while I figure out life and this weekend my buddy returned from a couple of months in Australia. Friday celebrated with dinner, relaxed and was casual. Saturday night decided to have a night and get buckled. Drinks are flowing, the bar is popping all is well and good. Bar closes, I hop in an Uber home and think the night is over. I was wrong. Upon walking in my door at 3 am I decided a shower was needed, but seeing my dad had work early Sunday morning I didn’t want to wake my parents up. The intelligent play here would have been just go to sleep, instead I wandered outside, turned on the hose and took a shower. Naked as my name day in the middle of the driveway using a garden hose at 3:30 am. Now the best part is my parents recently invested in a security camera that has night vision which captured this glorious shower all on tape in he quality and in addition, sent a notification to my parents that there was motion in the driveway. After discovering my disaster of a mistake I spent two hours googling how to remove the clips from the camera. T’s & P’s that the videos are truly deleted so my parents don’t get a show they never wanted and that I figure my life out fast and move before I do this again.

P.S worst part is I forgot soap and a towel so my antics didn’t even land me a nice shower. A nice outdoor shower might have been worth it.

Okay, you need to find this video. I don’t know how cool your parents are but even if they act mad upon seeing it, they are laughing behind the scenes. The thought of your son naked showering with a hose in the middle of the night is just great.

Will,

I’m writing to you from my dumbass burner high school gmail.

Let me preface this with the admission that it’s taken me at least 3 weeks to process my horrendous New Orleans shenanigans. This was a yikes situation that went to straight up zoinks. At my best drunk I am the shot queen and the life of the party, at the worst I may sniffle a little over how much I love Taco Bell. Very rarely do I do anything that I regret but the last two months I seem to be hellbent on changing that.

I am a recent masters post grad who lives in the vicinity of New Orleans. It was not my first rodeo by any means and I have certainly done many wild things there, but this really took the cake. My best friend came back to town with his sister and we went with a small group of friends to show her Nola for two days. This consisted of one of my other friends (albeit an annoying crying drunk), and my newly official girlfriend ( i am bisexual as hell). I have often joked with my best friend about his sister and how she def doesn’t come off as fully straight even though he thinks she is, and that i found her hot. We will come back to this.

First night, everyone’s lightly toasted. Crying friend sings opera (we are all musicians #drunkdivas) for $20 bucks. This is not enough attention for her as she then decides to pull me away from the group to wail about how everyone likes me more than her whilst I contemplate lighting myself on fire or running away. Hot Sister is buying most of the booze because shes a baller and also the least poor of the group #momusiciansmoproblems. We end up at the gay bar to dance and witness a drag show. Drunk crying friend tries to make a scene while Hot Sister is flirting with me, but i try to ignore it as I am newly official with my GF who isn’t coming the following night. I did not black out the entire evening until we made it back to our bougie hotel (thnx groupon) where the most bizarre event happened:

BFF and I are both asleep as is everyone else. I wake up feeling like if I don’t pee I will explode. For SOME reason don’t go to use our bathroom. Next thing I remember is walking back down our hotel hallway and witness him leaning drunkenly against our door. I ask him wtf he’s doing and he says “wtf are YOU doing” and i realize I do not know. We are locked out of the room and I have to get a new key. I am in nothing but an oversize tee and underwear. Security guards flanked my friend until I came back to the room with the key and proved I knew him. Next morning we wake up and try to piece our lives back together and conclude that i just went on a random blackout adventure, and he woke up to follow and check up on me while still drunk. Weirdest plot twist of all? I am in different underwear than what I woke up in but have no idea where my previous pair went. I have a very sickening feeling I went and pissed in the hallway. I have NEVER done anything like this. Bet the security cam footage is great.

Night #2 is even weirder. I usually can hold my alcohol if I stay consistent btwn one or two of the same drinks. Hot Sister has other ideas which include vodka red bulls. They’re disgusting, but shes buying and I am not about to turn free booze down so I down like 5 of those and we keep dancing. Make our way to the karaoke bar and Crying Friend finally stops her bitching because she finds a hot doctor to have a one night stand with, my Girlfriend is all over me and I am #STRESSED because so is Hot Sister. GF leaves me to go pee and Hot Sister makes her move. I am trying to fend her off while feeling like a dick cuz I am super tempted when GF comes back and suddenly we are somehow all just staring at each other and the two of them give me a “i’m down if you’re down.”

And that is how I accidentally fell into my first threesome. BFF apparently witnessed us all making out, but thankfully went to the hotel before he saw the rest.I still can’t look him in the eye. We get kicked out for being too indecent (again, first time being kicked out of a bar I am not a violent drunk nor am I EVER a PDA hoe), we drunkenly realize we can’t have sex in the street (wow good for us), and sneak back to the hotel and take full advantage of the very fancy high class lobby bathroom that was just cleaned (convenient). I have bruises all over my lower back and ass from being slammed repeatedly into the sink counter.

Can’t say I’ve ever really had the desire for a threesome in any capacity, but i think I get it now Will. It was hot as fuck. We slinked back to the room at 6am giggling like the assholes we are and wake up now mega Bitchy Crying Friend who proceeds to yell at us and ask what we were up to and complain that she wasn’t included (even though she LITERALLY was off getting dick somewhere else) and all we would do is laugh and tell her to fuck off. My petty ass was secretly pleased we woke her up because I am trash.

Next day, we all high fived it out and GF and i were v proud of ourselves for proving that Hot Sister was def bi as hell also. 20/10 would do again.

I did however, cringe at the belated realization that i def probably peed in a hallway, my best friend saw me mackin on his sister, and I got kicked out for public indecency….even if it is Nola.

Will I ever have a weekend this wild again? It hard to say, but stay tuned.

#VodkaRedBullMadeMeDoIt

Normally when I see stories of this length, I do a couple things (please take note). I check the formatting to see how digestible it is for me in terms of formatting. This fit the mold. Then, I briefly scan it to see buzzwords that may be great. This was FULL of them. Sure enough, it delivered. I don’t even know if I have anything to weigh in here other than that you should probably go back and read it in full because it’s wild.

I landed at the airport an hour ago from a 3 week vacation in Europe and already have had to respond emotionally to the following since touching down:

1. Grandma in the hospital
2. Childhood dog passed away
3. Work inbox sitting at ~300 unread
4. Venmo requests for an Airbnb I had no energy to look into before agreeing

Not exactly a fun barrage of phone notifications to receive after 24 hours on planes without sleep.

Nooooooooooooooo. There was never any follow-up email to this so I’m just praying that things worked out (outside of the dog, of course). I normally don’t mean it when I say “thoughts and prayers,” but thoughts and prayers, fam.

Read it a lot and laugh my ass of but never write…

Got a short one for ya. My poor soul was unlucky enough to have to fly COMMERCIALLY on July the GOD DAMNED 4th. Started out as a normal Wednesday for a flight student… mimosas and IPAs. Shit went weird when I got to my departure airport and some random guy wanted to thank me for my “service” and buy me drinks and shots. Got to my layover and he’s still with me. Ya boy like to party (but also forgot to reset his watch for a new time zone). So I accepted multiple shots thinking I had plenty of time. Showed up for my flight 30 mins late and got rebooked having to stay another 2 hrs in the hell hole that is Charlotte. Typing this as I order more IPAs and snacks hoping I don’t miss the next one. Only 15 mins till boarding… gotta go now. Thoughts and prayers or whatever…

P.S. it’s “service” b cause I haven’t actually done anything yet

PPS. I’m actually about to miss anothernon

Please do not drink IPAs to solve your problems that IPAs started. This is day one stuff.

Hey Will, heres an early weekday submission that tops the weekend. Anyway, started drinking at 2pm on Wednesday because we were dartying and drank until 10pm. Lit off tons of fireworks (and it actually turned out better than expected) and got home around midnight. Come Thursday, totally forgot about my dentist appointment and had to go in to get a root canal in the morning. During the 2hrs that I was in that chair, I fell asleep twice and had to be woken up by the dentist. At least the dude was chill about it. But that being said, hangovera and a root canal is about the worst combo ever.

I’d rather be in the worst pain of my life than get a root canal with a massive hangover. I can’t think of anything worse other than actually trying to perform a root canal while massively hungover.

Long time reader, have had a bunch of stories but nothing to say until now….my best friend from high school cancelled our plans for a NFL game because his wife is expecting during that time… I am now the last member of our group that is not married or has a kid, I’m already being asked when by people at heard his news…I just can’t. I gave myself a deadline of 30 to finally start that part of my life but the pressure is on… Help

Slowly becoming the last of my friends to not get engaged/married so kind of in the same boat. Fun!

Flying home from FOJ. Hungover. In a middle seat. With squawking children seated in front and behind me. The lady next to me keeps throwing silent shade that I have a dog with me. Alcohol sweats are happening. Thank God I have tomorrow to recover. Plz send prayers.

People give a lot of shit to other people who fly with dogs, but the real shit should be given to people flying with kids. If anything, you should have to pass some sort of test for your kids in order to get them to qualify for flights. They’re more of a liability than dogs are and I’ll stand by that.

My sister just moved into a brand new bougie apartment in Milwaukee and is starting her first postgrad job on Monday . We went to Summerfest on Friday night and I accidentally pounded the entire water bottle of whiskey that I snuck in for everyone. I blacked out, proceeded to go back to her apartment and pass out. I woke up to find that I peed in her closet. Talk about a houswarming present :///

Love a good closet pee. Every group of friends has a rogue closet pee-er. I, thankfully, am not that friend.

Went to London for the fourth and this weekend. Great time, nothing too scaries-inducing to report. Until this morning, when budget ass Primera Air cancels my flight. No flights through them til Tuesday, so have to drop $2000 of my own money and wait for them to reimburse, and getting in at 2am so I can get to work Monday since my boss spent all of Friday texting me shit we need to work on this week. I’m blaming this all on that I chose to wear your scaries tank top for the flight.

I felt really really bad for you until you told me you tried rocking a tank top on the flight. Sure, I’m glad you bought that tank top but still, you can’t go sleeveless on a flight. People get weird about wearing SHORTS on flights, so bare armpits are a no-go. Glad you’re making it back to the U.S. though.

Took off the entire week of the 4th to celebrate with family and friends at the Jersey Shore. I now write to you with a 102.3 fever and know that my boss will doubt that I’m actually sick the day after a big vacation. T’s and P’s much appreciated.

People in the office are definitely going to accuse you of having benderitis. As someone who has been in the same situation before, it sucks and I have no real solution other than trying to get someone you’re close with in the office vouch for you.

Went floating down the river outside my city Saturday for my 24th bday. Eight dudes day drinking and tackling each other into the water every 20 minutes = a great time had by all despite a few sunken sunglasses and hats. I’m whiter than a Notre Dame punter and made the ill-advised decision to forego sunscreening my back under the assumption I’d keep my shirt on and, if it came off, I’d get a nice base layer going. The resulting sunburn (see attached) is so bad I’m seriously considering wearing a Hawaiian shirt to the office tomorrow because a starched dress shirt sounds like absolute hell, though it probably won’t be as painful as the pack I put on when I begin an eight-day backpacking trip Thursday. T&P appreciated.

Oh no. He included a photo which I will not include for anonymity sake, but this sunburn is bad. The thought of having packpack straps on it sounds hellish. Worse than getting a hungover root canal.

Yoo Will, I feel like I’m setting myself up for disaster this week. Just got back from NY after a wild concert. It is currently 2:30ish and I’m watching workaholics, beyond fried. It was 4 hours each way to the city. I have work at 8am. Not sure if by never go back to your alma mater you also meant never work for your alma mater because yeah I definitely fucked up…Lets hope the 70% of staff that were on vacation last week plan on accomplishing nothing this week as well

The subject line for this email was simply, “Shit man.” Shit, man, indeed. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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