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I’m not sure how, exactly, I got here. I mean, one minute I was locking my boyfriend in the basement, hoping he would fall in love with me and now? I’m about four months away from marrying the lucky SOB. Crazy how things change.
And while wedding planning is fun and exciting and it’s a true blessing to be able to fight about registry items and linen colors (tbh I still don’t even know what a fucking linen is), there’s one thing even more thrilling on the horizon: My bachelorette party.
Now a mere two weeks away, the itinerary planning for my New Orleans bash is well underway, and finding the perfect mixture of safe and scandalous activities is turning out to be harder than expected. While I’m usually all about nights in with Netflix and an early bedtime, momma’s gonna go big. Still, after having been to the city of saints (is that a thing?) more times than I can count, I needed this experience to be different. So, in order to find a mix that will keep my more tame friends happy and quench my thirst for being wild, I’ve found a few semi-naughty things that will hopefully make the weekend one to not remember.
Get A Titty Shot At “Spirits On Bourbon”
Known from its fifteen minutes of fame on Bar Rescue, Spirits on Bourbon has one major draw. Or two, if we want to get technical. Basically, there’s a dentist chair, a big breasted lady (hence the two draws), and a shot that involves spinning in said chair and motorboating said lady. Apparently, it has to do with the guy who died and is now haunting the joint. New Orleans, amiright?
Anyway, it’s not exactly my idea of a great time. But a few years ago during Mardi Gras, my soon-to-be husband and his friend/groomsman did one of these shots. And me, attempting to be the cool girl at the time, paid for them to do it. So, it’s only fair that they foot the bill for me and my bridesmaid (who just so happens to be the now-wife of the friend) to return the favor. Naturally, videos will be sent to the boys. Gosh, that’ll sure show them!!!!
Hit Up The Nude Pool At “The Country Club”
I’m not exactly a nude kind of person. I’m not a “Never Nude,” don’t misunderstand. But I’m not a nude-lover. Sleeping naked makes me sweaty, going commando just asks for problems, and have you ever gotten sunburned on your vagina? Not advised. Still, when in Rome, do as the drunk, horny, gay Romans do. Hitting up the infamous gay pool where clothing is optional and being de-clothed is preferred seems like the perfect way to launch myself into married life. Will I get nude? Depends entirely on how many drinks are involved.
Get A Lap Dance At One Of A Million Strip Clubs
If there’s one thing NOLA is known for (besides the ability to carry alcohol around and providing the worst hangovers of all time), it’s the strip clubs. I think it’s pretty much impossible to go to New Orleans without going into a strip club. And it’s not so much that I want to get a lap dance. It just feels like I cheated myself if I don’t, you know? The jury is still out on whether we’ll go with a guy or girl dancer but honestly? I plan to be too drunk to notice the difference.
Flirt Shamelessly For Drinks
Before you call me a bitch (which is totally merited, I’ll give ya that), I want to disclaim something: the guy I’m marrying is all for this. Time and time again he’s told me that he’s totally fine with me flirting for free shit. His only stipulation (besides like, going home with the person), is that I’m nice about it. I should engage in a few minutes of small talk, be nice, and don’t make the poor chump feel 100% used. So, needless to say, I’ll be smiling and schmoozing for vodka sodas all weekend long.
Do Some Light Flashing
Again, I’m not saying I *want* to flash strangers. Hell, I managed to not flash strangers at Mardi Gras, so I think I can manage it now. Plus, with my average-sized Bs, no one is lining up for a peek. It’s just, well, I kind of think I should flash some folks. On principle, you know? I mean, I don’t know what will happen after I get married. Will my desire to be sexualized by strangers for a moment of attention be gone? As someone who feeds off of validation, it only makes sense that I’d show my tits to strangers in some sort of alcohol-induced haze. I’m not saying they’ll want to see them, but after a few hand grenades, I’m also not saying they’ll have a choice.
Shout “I’m Getting Fucking Married” As Many Times As Possible
No, it’s not technically naughty. But it might be the riskiest of them all. Because what are the chances of maintaining all of my friendships after screeching in their ears that I’m not going to die alone? Odds are, come Sunday I’ll be flying home alone..
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
Can’t believe I even skimmed this.
Hey guys, if you’re upsetting about your girl flirting for 45 seconds to score a free drink…congrats, you’re an idiot. Like your husband, this should be encouraged and is fiscally responsible
Also, came here for the “risqué” and left very disappointed
90% of girls aren’t fun(ny).
Shut uuuuuuuuuup.
Example a ^
Damn, are we back to these types of comments again?
Most girl comedy on the internet is lazy and plays on the same premises over and over and over and over again.
What wasn’t mentioned was the fact that most guy comedy is also just as lazy. The reason this wasn’t mentioned is because the article isn’t about guy comedy.
Tl;dr not everything is sexist and your white knight bullshit is just as ridiculous as this article.
Except when a male writer on this site writes lazy comedy commenters just shit on him specifically, and not on all guy comics. Yes that comment was sexist, but on the scale of sexist comments it wasn’t that intense/offensive.
Easy there with the sexism allegations. If people said the things to a female writer that they say to male writers there would be an uproar with everyone shouting claims of misogyny, patriarchy, etc.
1. I’m a girl, so not exactly white knighting.
2. Saying that 90% of girls aren’t fun or funny is a dick thing to say.
I think everyone getting worked up about his comment (with a made up statistic) is ridiculous and you all should find something better to do
Potentially naked at the gay bar sounds pretty risque….she definitely buried the lede a little there. Although we all know she’s staying at least partially clothed
I hope I’m never so poor that my wife has to flirt for drinks.
Heyyyy I am poor and my wife hates me and gets more satisfaction out of a few seconds of flirting with another man than she does from a life with me
Yeah, but El T on Fridays, man.
Wow, that really nose-dived quickly.
Lolol
We are in desperate need for a CMV comeback
We knew what we had, but we still didn’t appreciate her enough.
What happened to her?
I remember her saying she was going out with someone in one of her last posts? Maybe she rode off into the sunset.
Or Knox. I miss that dude.
Need to do a “where are they now?” series.
Talk about a blast from the past.
I still follow him on Twitter. He lost a bunch of weight and doesn’t look like a caricature of a human anymore, so that’s cool.
Who the hell is down voting this???
I’d check out a nice pair of B’s if they were tossed in front of my face. Give yourself some credit!
Slow your roll, she’s not a Perkins waitress Tiger.
A man can dream
A NOLA bachelorette party and no mention of cocaine? That things gonna be boring as hell
we all know that this is what really goes on and def isn’t staged at all (dancing bear.com) lol
It’s true, there is something about that second ring that makes your boobs just want to stay inside your shirt. This may be your last flash, go for it!
This is too much. I have my bachelorette this weekend and if anything is planned beyond me getting drunk at the beach I’ll be very upset.
The Country Club is no longer clothing optional, sorry.
Sounds like you have a classy weekend planned… Maybe don’t show your breasts to male strangers when you’re planning on getting married soon, just a thought.
Free the nipple.
Someone get some beads…
Or you know, let her live her life