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If you’ve been following me since the beginning of my illustrious PGP career, you recall that I used to have a writing partner. There’s no grand story behind our writing breakup; life changes simply meant it was easier to go it alone and the artist known as “the other J” and I remain the best of friends. In fact, she still reads everything I write before you do.
In the four years that I’ve been writing (ack), J2’s life has changed. She met, fell in love with, and became engaged to a wonderful guy (and I don’t just say that because I am his favorite of her friends). As such, the nature of our conversations has changed. It used to be a two-way conversation in which we both agonized over fuck boys; now, it is still a two-way conversation, except it’s now me still agonizing over fuck-boys and her agonizing over appetizers. That’s right – she’s planning a wedding. So last week, after a rather spirited text discussion over her rehearsal dinner (in which I referred to her parents as assholes for insisting she invite her random cousins), I finally dropped the truth bomb that every bride needs to hear:
No one wants to spend three days celebrating your wedding.
Now, before all you advocates of the-night-before-cocktail-party and next-day-brunch get all up in arms, hear me out. As a member of the bridal party, I am happy to attend all of the events surrounding this wedding. I’ll attend the rehearsal, despite the fact that I’m relatively sure I know how to walk in a straight line down an aisle. Of course, I will be proudly standing by the altar in my very-specific-shade-of-blue-dress as they exchange their I-dos. I’ll even drag myself out of bed the next day with my shellacked in-place up-do still intact to eat eggs benny with my bestie’s new in-laws. As a bridesmaid, this is my duty, and one I gladly accepted when I was asked to participate via a pair of knot-shaped earrings and note asking for my assistance as she ties the knot. (I mean, I was the one that actually found and purchased the earrings (she later reimbursed me for) to give to all the bridesmaids, so it’s not like I didn’t know it was coming, but you know what I mean).
But on behalf of all of the non-bridal party attendees, I felt obligated to share that no one else wants to do these things. Everyone is thrilled and/or moderately enthusiastic to attend a ceremony and reception… especially when there’s an open bar. It’s an honor to be invited to share in someone’s special day. But the term “day” is the important one here. As a wedding frequent flyer, I feel rather confident in saying that all of us are totally cool if you keep “your day” to one actual day.
As for the notion that if I’ve travelled to attend your wedding and therefore you must have events for me to attend, let me break to you – this is a false premise. Rather than attend your night-before-cocktail party, I’d rather A.) find a cool nearby dive bar; B.) have pizza delivered to my overpriced hotel room; or C.) fucking sleep because I had to work 16 hours yesterday to get today off for these festivities.
As for the day-after-brunch…let me assure you: no one, I mean NO ONE, wants to get up at 9 a.m. with a massive-open-bar hangover to drag themselves to some nondescript hotel meeting room and eat French toast with your Nana. How about you just put a pack of Donettes in my hotel welcome bag, I’ll sleep until 8 minutes before check out time, and your parents won’t have to drop five grand on an event no one wants to attend? See, then everyone’s happy.
So I beg of you, future brides and grooms out there, please ignore the voices that tell you that you need to provide all these events for your guests – I speak for all of us when I tell you to not waste your time or money. None of us are going to be upset, I promise.
As for the other J…after I dropped this truth bomb via text, I immediately reconsidered. Would she be offended? Would she think it was rude of me to say that people didn’t want to do any of these things that her parents, future in-laws, and other people are insisting are necessary? I stared at the phone, watching the “…” as she typed her thoughts, and then came the response.
“I know! I hate that shit!”
Oh, thank god. Of course, I’ll still be eating omelets with Uncle Fred the next morning, so…..
Respond
Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
I always enjoy the unplanned, but inevitable, local diner stop with a select group of friends where stories can be compared and biscuits and coffee can soak up any lingering regret.
Diner coffee fixes post wedding scaries.
Let’s be honest – the day after brunch isn’t really for the friends. It’s because your whole family traveled in and they want to spend more time together than just the one hectic day. I would never feel obligated to attend as a friend.
The bridal party will likely be the only friends invited in most cases. Even still, I’ve only ever seen this done at someone’s house and not an outside venue… which is the far preferable (and cheaper!) move overall.
I was going to say…when I spend hundreds of dollars and all my PTO to watch my cousin get married, I want as many activities as there can be with my extended family
Just got married this past weekend: the day after brunch was something put in motion by my parents and I invited people on behalf of them. Any friends invited was more of a gesture of “thanks for coming, if you’re alive come eat a free meal with us” and was by no means a requirement. If it were up to me, I’d be sleeping until check out as well.
I mean, you’re going to feel like death and need good food after a wedding, why not take advantage of the free brunch before heading home
The brunch move for all you crazy kids getting married soon is 1) Make it self serve buffet style for both food and booze. 2) Give it a time range of 2 hours so no one has to stress to be there on time and early birds can get the prime real estate as a reward.
1:00ish hungover Waffle House trip the next day is always the move
the brunch always seems like a good idea until it’s time you actually have to go to it.
then staying in your hotel bed and wallowing in your own hungover filth for a few more hours becomes a much better alternative
On the other end of the spectrum, the pizza delivery to the venue at the end of the night is a fucking godsend.
As a bride I don’t even want to go to the post wedding brunch my mom has planned.
I will never understand why people are so god damn critical of weddings. Your FRIEND not only worked hard for months to plan and organize every last detail, but most likely shelled out quite a bit of money to celebrate THEIR happy day, which for some reason they want your ungrateful ass to be apart of. If you’re going to bitch and moan about how they decided to celebrate , then don’t go. I’ve recently begun to understand firsthand how expensive and time-consuming it is to be a guest at a wedding, but either suck it up or don’t attend. you don’t have to go to every wedding you’re invited to.
People actually do this?