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Ladies and gents, I’ve got some less than stellar news. There will not be a new episode of The DadGum Podcast this week. In a podcast with dads, about dads, sometimes you’re gonna have to expect that. Dads get busy. In this case, I’m the one who’s busy, so no-go for me and my co-host Pete Hart this week.
But, because we hate to let down our millions of listeners across the world, today I’m going to do something called “The DadGum Weekly.” Instead of listening to us while you’re stuck in traffic or sweating out some #LunchBeers on the elliptical, we’ll give you our take on dad life the old fashioned way.
We’ll go about these the same style we do with the pod, so if you’re a listener, you’ll be reading in some familiar territory. You know the drill; we’re here to talk about all things dad life, parenting, give out advice/support, etc. If you’re not a current listener 1. What the fuck man, listen; and 2. This is a rundown of what we’re all about at DadGum, so if you think you’d enjoy us talking about this shit, subscribe to Grandex Labs wherever you get your podcasts.
This Week In Parenting
Usually we’ll ease into a pod with what’s been going on with our damn kids. For me, this week is too busy for a pod because I’m on solo dad duty. Now, I’m a single dad, but it takes a village to raise a kid, and I’ve got a good one. My parents live close, and my girlfriend is better with kids than I am. They all give me enough relief to keep my sanity.
However, they’ve all left me high and dry this week. My parents are on vacation, and my girlfriend went home to see her family. It’s a one man show with this little monster until Sunday. Aside from his three days of school and some part-time daycare I’ve got a few patience-testing days ahead of me, and I’ll be honest guys, I’m already wearing thin.
We’ve watching Moana about 17 times in the last three days and my offspring has been quoting it in public lately, but not good quotes. He told multiple kids on the playground he would “smite” them, and around a few playground moms said “If you start singing, I’m going to throw up.” He’s a charmer.
We had a small altercation on the playground, as he tossed another kid’s binder of Pokemon cards on the ground. Now, if that child whose cards had been disgraced like that had wanted to jump his ass, I wouldn’t have blamed him, but he took it stoically. My son on the other hand, didn’t. Our conversation about apologizing didn’t go well:
“Are you going to say sorry?”
“No, because I’m a child!”
Yeah, not great. Just five minutes ago I heard from the restroom “Hey Daddy I peed on the wall a bit.” It’s gonna be a long week for your boy. At least he’s dropping gems like this:
My kid just referred to a fart as a “bubble poop.” I can’t stress enough how good having a kid is sometimes.
— Kyle Bandujo (@kylebandujo) May 16, 2018
Parenting In The News
Normally we’ll get into some parenting or dad stuff that’s been in the news. Last week with our guest Ross Bolen we talked about the shittiest parents ever who faked their own child having cancer.
Today, however, I want to comment on this post I saw from Fatherly, a pretty solid site for all things dad:
The 7 Worst Birthday Party Venues on the Planet https://t.co/jUVgtBxJnl
— Fatherly (@FatherlyHQ) May 16, 2018
Normally internet lists like this are points of contention; everyone has a differing opinion. This might be the exception. List is flawless, especially with its #1 worst party venue, Chuck-E-Cheese.
The child birthday party grind is what the wedding grind of your 20’s/30’s turns into after you have kids, but on a smaller scale. Less expensive, but unlike weddings, there’s almost zero chance of you having fun. With kid’s parties I personally believe less is more.
I’d also like to think this list is talking about ages four and up. Anything younger and it’s mostly just an excuse for parents to chill together while drinking beer and eating cake. My co-host Pete did his kid’s 2nd birthday at a chill ass public pool and it was solid.
When it gets older and each birthday party is a madhouse, and no place is worse than Chuck-E-Cheese. If you still somehow have fond nostalgic memories of that place from your youth, scrap them. The pizza is absolute ass and that rat costume is creepy as fuck. You’ll spend an hour shepherding your kid around and watching them be awful at every single game in the place, while your pockets get crowded with barely-earned tickets. The writer of the linked article said it best:
“Total rip-off.” “Disgusting pizza.” “Filthy.” “Unsupervised devil-children running wild.” That’s how four of our mom friends described birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Drunk Or Kid
So far, our most popular segment has been “Drunk or Kid,” where our guest has to decipher whether a scenario was performed by a small child, or drunk adult. This week I’ll give you guys a favorite of mine that was submitted by @joshuaoakleydryer on Instagram:
Person was pissed they didn’t get shotgun so they blew their nose in the back seat, told the passenger riding shotgun to “hold their hand out,” and then gave the unknowing person their booger filled tissue.
Take your best guess in the comments, we’ll reveal on next week’s pod.
Listener Questions
Towards the end of each episode we take listener questions on anything parenthood related. If you listened last week (and if you didn’t, again, what the hell man?) you’ll know we discussed doing an upcoming all-question episode, which is in the works.
For today’s installment we’ll address this quick hitter from @Jakeskern on Twitter:
At some point can y’all do a rundown of “child development” when should they have teeth, walk, talk, eat real food kinda thing?
Kyle’s Take: Honestly man, that’s best left for Google and a pediatrician. There’s usually certain ranges for those milestones to be in. That being said, all kids are different. The one thing I can really recommend is don’t get super caught up in certain milestones or comparing your kid to your friend’s kids.
That’s something I did a lot of; wondering if my kid was up to snuff or progressing right because he maybe wasn’t doing something at the same time as others. There’s a certain time where if they’re not talking or walking then it’s a cause for concern, but that’s just something you’ve gotta lean on your pediatrician for. Just don’t freak out of one of your friend’s kids is walking at 8-9 months and your kid isn’t even close.
Pete’s Take:
First thing’s first, all of these are VERY loose. Every kid develops at their own pace, and there’s nothing right or wrong with how they do it. It’s natural to want your kid to be first and best at everything, but letting them do it at their own pace is way better than giving them a complex about something. Every time I thought my kid was getting a little behind in one of these development milestones, he ended up doing it the very next week. BUT ANYWAY since you asked:
Have teeth: You’ll start to see some teeth poking through starting around 6 months. Not uncommon at all for kids to be still sucking boob and have several teeth. Think about that one for a second.
Walk: About one year. A funny thing to me is that I always equated crawling with babies, but the crawling stage is super short. Like a matter of weeks. It’s basically a commercial break between not moving at all and full on walking.
Talk: Define “talk.” Is this first word? Full sentences? Carry on a conversation? Call Ben Shapiro a virgin on Twitter? It’s less a milestone and more a journey, but you should hear the first word sometime in the later months of year 1.
Eat real food: Dietary restrictions are much fewer and farther between than you think. I think the only thing that surprised me is that yogurt and honey are basically banned for the first year. As long as they can get it into their stomachs, it’s pretty much fair game. What you have to watch out for is foods that are easy to swallow without chewing. So like hotdog chunks, grapes, shit like that.
Closing Advice
Normally we wind down every episode with a random tidbit of parental advice we’ve come across over the course of our parenting careers. I’ve written enough today, so my only bit of advice is if you enjoyed this, subscribe to Grandex Labs and listen to “The DadGum Podcast.” The perfect pod for dads, moms, and just people without kids who like hearing about dumb shit other people’s kids did. .
Respond
Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Listen, if you’re actually throwing a kids party, Chuck E Cheese is the GOAT and I’ll tell you why: you don’t do shit. Pay your $20/kid or whatever and the little mini devils run off and do whatever, them dance with a creeper in a rat costume, then run off, then eat pizza and cake you don’t have to serve or clean up. Then after two hours you leave and some $7/hr kid cleans it all up. Plus, they sell beer (try that at Treehouse or Jump Zone).
Kid.