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[Jerry sits on his couch watching television. The intercom buzzes, prompting him to stand and walk over.]
JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: It’s Elaine
JERRY: Come on up.
[As Jerry walks back over to the couch, George emerges from the bathroom.]
GEORGE: Jerry, do you think two-ply is the absolute limit to toilet paper softness?
JERRY: What?
GEORGE: I’m just wondering, why isn’t there three-ply or four-ply? Is it just technologically not feasible?
JERRY: [He’s so perplexed by the question, he finally looks away.] Technologically feasible? It’s toilet paper, not kevlar.
GEORGE: So why can’t there be more plys? What are they hiding Jerry!?
JERRY: This obsession with toilet paper you have…I’ll never understand it.
[The door swings open and Elaine enters. She looks agitated and confirms this by throwing her handbag onto the counter with force.]
ELAINE: Three days. Three days Jerry. That’s 72 hours since Doug texted me last.
GEORGE: I didn’t know you were going out with a “Doug.”
ELAINE: How is that relevant?
GEORGE: I just don’t see you with a Doug. Doug’s a stupid name. I mean, does this guy wear Birkenstocks, comb his beard, and go on fun runs?
[George chuckles to himself at this zinger. Elaine rolls her eyes at Jerry.]
ELAINE: The last time we spoke I said “do you want to go out this weekend” and he said “sure, I’ll get back to you when I know when I’m free.” But he hasn’t gotten back to me! Today’s Thursday, Jerry, it’s D-Day.
JERRY: How many consecutive texts have you sent to this guy since his last response?
ELAINE: Three.
[Jerry stares right at her.]
ELAINE: Okay, five.
JERRY: I hate to say it, but this feels like a ghosting situation.
GEORGE: A what?
ELAINE: Oh you don’t really think he’d try to pull a ghost on me. We’ve gone on three dates already!
JERRY: Elaine, in these modern wacky times, I’ve seen people get ghosted through seven, eight dates. Hell, there are even rumors of a woman in Poughkeepsie who ghosted out of her engagement!
GEORGE: Hey, what the hell are you two talking about? Ghosting?
JERRY: It’s when you want to break up with someone but you don’t want to have the actual break up text, which derived from the ancient breakup talk. So you just continuously ignore their messages until they eventually get the hint that you don’t want to see them again.
GEORGE: People do this all the time?
JERRY: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: AND YOU DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ME!?
JERRY: Tell you what?
GEORGE: Over the past few months, I’ve spent countless hours of my life agonizing over how to break up with women. Drafts of text messages, exit strategies, nervous hives. And all that time, I could have just ended things by doing nothing??
JERRY: George it’s a cowards way out. A lazy excuse for degenerates to avoid any discomfort, shame, or unpleasantness in their life. I naturally assumed you were aware of this. Hell, when I heard about the notion, I’d have put money that you were the one who came up with it!
ELAINE: Well, I thought that Doug at least had a bit more integrity than that. I mean, the guy added me on Facebook. We did…stuff on the second date.
[Jerry opens his mouth to make a comment. Elaine feints like she might hit him if he speaks, so Jerry closes his mouth and backs away.]
ELAINE: He wants to ghost me now? Uh-uh. No. Not happening. I am not going to let him off the hook that easy. Until he actually ends things, I will harass him day and night. I will become more clingy, more aggressive, more relationshipy. I will shock and awe him right to a breakup. He wants to break up with me, he’s gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way. With a long, textual explanation filled with clichés and lies to cushion my feelings.
JERRY: You’d rather have that than just letting this relationship run its course and gracefully move on?
ELAINE: I have earned that.
JERRY: Because of the second date stuff?
ELAINE: And some stuff from the third date.
[Elaine grabs her pocketbook and opens the door. She storms out, just as Kramer slips past her into Jerry’s apartment.]
GEORGE: Well I gotta tell you, Jerry, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. All my life the pleasures of dating have been overcast by the fears of a pending breakup. Now, there’s no risk. When things inevitably go downhill, I can just slink off into the night, like a ninja, like a caped vigilante, a crusader against the injustices that attractive women inflict on short, bald men.
JERRY: You want to be the dating Batman don’t you?
GEORGE: [He pauses and looks down.] Maybe.
KRAMER: Oh George I really don’t think you want to get engaged in that practice.
GEORGE: You know about ghosting?
KRAMER: Of course. George, how do you think I’ve ended most of my relationships?
JERRY: So what’s the problem then if you’ve ghosting people for years?
KRAMER: Well you know my friend, Bob Sacamano? He tried to ghost a woman about three months ago. After a few weeks of dodging her calls, she finally gets the hint. But then, he starts hearing things in his house at night. A few groans and bangs at first, but then wailing. A ghoulish voice begins calling out his name. Things start apparating and flying around his house. At one point he was almost knocked unconscious by his stationary bike. So, he goes to my other friend Lomez, who’s actually an ordained priest. They have a little seance and it turns out that his girlfriend didn’t get the hint that they were done dating. She died.
GEORGE: She died?
KRAMER: Yeah, of a broken heart due to her unrequited love for Bob. Doctors might tell you it’s a brain aneurysm but I know the truth. But you see George, Bob tried to ghost this woman and it backfired. Now she’s haunting him, and the ghoster has become the ghosted!
GEORGE: Well Kramer, as much as you are the paranormal expert, I think I’ll take my chances.
[He grabs his coat and opens the door. As he’s about to leave, he stops and turns around.]
GEORGE: Although I might reconsider ghosting my mother..
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@joshetyler
@joshetyler
A man would be a fool not to keep Elaine on full time, such a fox
Does full time come with health benefits? Are you taking applications for this position?
That depends…do you consider access to sponges to be a health benefit?
A man would be a fool not to keep emergency toilet paper during a night out with Huevos Rancheros
Read this in all their voices. This is so good.
These are great, please keep em coming
I know this is spot on because I can read every sentence in the tone/voice of the character…very well done
This is gold Jerry, GOLD!
Set DVR to record. Keep me coming
em* or me, either works
Spot on, both in regards to Seinfeld and ghosting. After a nice first date and verbal confirmation for a second, I text her w/o response for a few days. I say fuck it and call, positive phone call and confirm a second date but no confirmation of date/time. Now, no answer of texts. Millenials. Rant over.