“Would You Rather?” Wednesday: Old Face Or Old Body

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Got a weird one for you today, folks. For anyone not familiar with the format of a “would you rather,” let me break it down. I’m going to pose a question with two equally weird, usually bad, options, of which you have to choose the lesser of two evils. Then, I’m going to give you the right answer (my answer). Check it out.

Would you rather: Only age from the neck down OR only age from the neck up? 

First of all, what the fuck? I wish I could say I had the creativity to come up with these questions, but I definitely just troll the internet to find good ones. And this is a good one. It pretty much boils down to asking which is more important to you; your body or your face. But first, some questions.

1. Can I still improve on my body/face, or are they stuck the way they are?

You can improve either in any way you could already. If you allow your face to age, you can do whatever you want with plastic surgery or Botox, but obviously, none of that is going to actually reverse the aging. No matter your choice, you can still workout, either in an attempt to slow down the aging process, or to maximize your ability to stall time.

2. Does this include everything beneath the skin?

Yes and no. To make it interesting, I’m going to have it include all muscles, tendons, and bones, but not any organs. That means you will retain your athletic ability and strength to some extent, but you will absolutely be hampered by your old organs eventually fading. Your heart, lungs, and yes, even your liver, will age at a normal rate. Will this discord cause you to have a heart attack on the bench press at 65-years-old? Perhaps.

Now that we’ve got a good idea of what exactly this would entail, let’s break the options down into several categories.

Which would look weirder?

You’ll notice I’m not asking which would look best, because, let’s be honest, they’re both going to look super weird. If you choose to keep your face young, the first time anyone takes off your shirt there will likely be a 70% chance they run away. Sure, you can keep it tight for a few decades, but if you have the face of a 25-year-old and the saggy, mushy, body of a 70-year-old, people are going to get freaked out. Also, if you choose face, you’re going to have the mobility of an old man. Imagine seeing a hot young guy/woman hobbling around with a walker. That’d be weird.

On the other hand, if you choose body, people are going to be equally freaked out. Imagine taking Betty White’s shirt and finding a young Betty White’s body. (Look it up. Betty White was an absolute dime back in the day). That’s equally as weird, but it’s a good surprise. As someone who has been told by multiple girls that they were “pleasantly surprised” by my body (the ultimate backhanded compliment), I think this is the way to go.

Advantage: Age from the neck up.

Which would improve your quality of life?

Tough call. Sure, having a youthful face is nice, but does it really improve the quality of your life? In some cases, yes. People would be nicer to you, buy you drinks, and be more likely to talk to you. Of course, if you’re a woman, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be subjected to harrassment and other unwanted attention for your entire life. Or maybe we’ll actually fix that aspect of society in the next few decades. Who knows.

However, having a face that gets carded in a bar comes with downsides, most notably in your career. No company is going to promote someone who looks like a kid into a senior management position, especially if you’re a man. Age = experience = ability, and it doesn’t matter what your resume says. You may have to use hint of gray just to look older if you want to climb that corporate ladder, effectively negating the benefits of your choice.

Deciding to go with a youthful body, however, gives you a very different outlook. You won’t deal with joint, back, or muscle pain the older you get. You’ll be able to crush it at the gym for decades, constantly getting stronger and better looking. You know what they say, abs are easy to get when you have 30 years to get them. You’d feel better, look better, and function better. BUT. But. You’d have to work out your whole life. Like, your whole life. I, like most people, am looking forward to giving up on exercise the second I convince some poor girl to marry me. If you’ve been given the gift of a youthful bod, you can’t squander that by letting it get fat and weak. You’re committed to working out until your heart/lungs deteriorate enough to give you an excuse.

Which is worse, having to work out your whole life our not be taken seriously in the workforce?

Advantage: Age from the neck up.

Which would get you laid more? 

Let’s be honest, this is the only question that matters. Last week I chose to die an early, painful death as a 7’7” man, solely because it would get me laid more. So which one of these would help your love life? We’ve already established that when you take your shirt off, having a youthful body is a better surprise. However, would you even get to that point with an old person’s face? As someone whose grandfather was completely bald by 30, choosing to keep my hairline sounds extremely appealing.

Alternatively, I am a man, so I’ll probably keep getting better looking well into my 40s. Also, if I choose to keep my young bod, I’d never have issues getting it up (except for when I drink too much Sake, which is completely normal and HAPPENS TO EVERYONE, KATIE). If I was a woman, I can see this category swaying the other way, but I am not, so the choice is easy.

Advantage: Age from then neck up.

Well, there you have it. When you do the math, it’s a simple answer. The right choice is to age only from the neck up, and keep that bangin’ bod tight for the next six decades. What would you choose?
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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com

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